Remembering the Fallen, Honoring the Grieving

While Thanksgiving is about appreciation for what you got, Memorial Day is so much deeper. It's appreciation for those who died to give you what you got. ~Doug Koktavy

When I think of Memorial Day and what it means to me, I think of how blessed I am to live in this country, where freedom still rings, even though at times we may take some of our freedoms for granted. I think of the fallen soldiers who paid the ultimate price so that we might continue to live free. I also think of the families, friends, and loved ones of the fallen — the unsung heroes struggling to survive in the face of unspeakable loss. I cannot imagine the depth of their pain. I don’t know how to thank them for their sacrifice except to say that I am deeply grateful, and that I promise to remember them, holding each and every one of them in gentle thought and prayer.

What I Never Understood Until I Lost My Mother

When a mother dies, a daughter’s mourning never completely ends.        ~ Hope Edelman

A reader writes: Today I visited your site for the first time, and I have decided to share something I wrote with you. This fall I lost my mother less than a week before my son's wedding. I have been grieving both my empty nest (all three of my adult children have moved on with their lives) and the loss of my mother. Each time I feel lonely or sad because my children have grown and left the nest, I feel deep pain for having caused my mother the same grief. Relationships with parents are complicated: expectations, irritations, personality quirks, being a 47-year-old daughter, and all the rest. Along with the emotional connectedness we shared, my grief also includes the loss of my mother as a friend.

When a Marriage Ends: Grieving the Death of a Love Relationship

In every friendship hearts grow and entwine themselves together, so that the two hearts seem to make only one heart with only a common thought. That is why separation is so painful; it is not so much two hearts separating, but one being torn asunder.  ~ Fulton J. Sheen

A reader writes: Two months ago my wife of 5 years came to me out of the blue and asked me for a divorce. To make a long and painful story short, she had been seeing another man and in the time since discovering this I have found out our entire relationship was one lie after another.

I feel foolish, naive, weak, and sad. I am an intelligent, attractive, passionate, funny, 32-year-old and yet I find myself sobbing at times for this loss. I am deeply spiritual, and have found much comfort in my faith. But I just don't know how to let go. Every sign is pointing to the fact that I have really lost nothing, but instead have been given the chance to greatly improve my health and overall wellbeing.

I feel weak knowing that deaths and marriages much longer than mine abound. I realize the significance of loss is deeply personal, but I still feel irrational and very foolish.

When Grief Is Postponed: Finding Your Way Back to Healing

I tried to shut out the feelings that were hurting my heart with a thousand tiny pinpricks, which was somehow worse than having it broken all at once.  ~ Morgan Matson, in Second Chance Summer

A reader writes: I lost my dad ten months ago, while I was in my last year of nursing school. I had to 'tuck in' the grieving process in order to graduate which was my dad's greatest wish for me. He literally said, "Don't stop school for me." I originally felt rejected by him, but now I see he was protecting me again. He had an 8 month battle with pancreatic cancer that was just horrible. 

 So, I've graduated from nursing school, passed my state boards, and I wish I could give him a big hug. Now that the stress from school is over, I feel like I need to continue the active grieving. 

Understanding Grief Styles: How Personality Shapes the Way We Mourn

Ultimately it is [the] identification, validation, and exploration of their pattern of grief or adaptive grieving styles that grieving individuals will find empowering and that will allow them to deal with that loss on their own terms, with their own unique strengths. ~ Kenneth J. Doka, PhD

When someone we love dies, we expect grief to bring us closer together. But often, the opposite happens.

One person cries openly, needing to talk through every memory and emotion. Another stays quiet, focusing on tasks, logistics, or simply “getting through” each day. One may appear overwhelmed, while the other seems distant or unaffected. Misunderstandings take root. Feelings get hurt. And in the midst of loss, relationships can become strained.

What many people don’t realize is this: grief doesn’t look the same for everyone—and it’s not supposed to.

From Grief to Giving: Finding Healing and Purpose Through Volunteering

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late . . . the love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him, 'What are you going through?' ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Depending on where you are in your grief journey, there may come a time when you feel the need to channel your pain—and the time and energy once devoted to your loved one—into something meaningful. For many, that path takes the form of volunteering.

Bearing Witness: The Healing Power of Seeing a Loved One After Death

People who suddenly lose a spouse or a child to murder, suicide or an accident often benefit from being allowed to see the dead person’s body, even if it’s bruised or starting to decompose, a new investigation finds.  ~ Science News

A reader writes: I have spent hours reading your articles and books, and I am just about to order another one for my son on the death of a sibling.

I don’t know if you remember me, but you helped me in a profound way last June. You gave me immediate guidance regarding my son, who had gone missing at sea following a climbing accident. He was 26 and had nearly qualified as a doctor.

Surviving A Spouse's Suicide: Coping with Guilt, Grief, and Blame

There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved.   ~ Arnold Toynbee

A reader writes: I lost my husband to suicide last year and I am trying to cope. I am trying to move on, but I cannot do this alone anymore. I feel responsible, because he asked me to say something I could not say, and subsequently hanged himself. I feel so much remorse, guilt, pain, and it won't stop. I continually have thoughts to go to him. I am losing it by the day and don't understand what's happening to me. I need contact of some kind to know he is okay and does not blame me. I know we are all responsible for our own choices, but "yes" instead "no" would have made the difference in whether he was living today. I know this to be true. I don't know where to turn and am hoping you can save my life.

Where Do I Fit? Understanding an Aunt's Grief After Losing a Nephew

Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister?  ~ Alice Walker

When a young life is lost, the grief ripples outward in ways our culture doesn’t always acknowledge. We know how to name the heartbreak of parents, siblings, and spouses—but what about the aunt who loved that child like her own? What about the family members whose grief feels just as real, yet somehow harder to claim? When loss doesn’t fit neatly into recognized roles, it can leave mourners feeling invisible, uncertain, and alone. This reader’s letter speaks to that quiet, often overlooked pain—and to the question so many carry in silence: Where do I fit in this grief?

A reader writes: Two months ago, my 21-year-old nephew—my sister’s only child—was killed in a car accident. I was 19 when he was born, and I have loved him almost as if he were my own son.

Holding Space for a Child's Grief after Pet Loss

The moment I decided to follow instead of lead, I discovered the joys of becoming a part of a small child's world.  ~ Janet Gonzalez-Mena

A reader writes: I wrote to you earlier about the death of our dog—our wonderful and loving companion of 15 years—as we were planning a memorial service when we buried her remains in our yard. You were kind enough to refer us to your Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, and I thank you so much for your words of comfort. I also took the time to read the articles you suggested, which soothed my sad and heavy heart.

I wrote to you again when I needed to tell my five-year-old granddaughter what happened to Samantha. She knew our dog was old and tired, but she wasn’t there when Samantha was euthanized.

When a Widowed Parent Starts Dating: Why Adult Children Struggle

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.  ~ J.K. Rowling

A reader writes: Nearly a year after my father died at 54, I’m struggling with how much my mother has changed since she began dating someone new. I’m 34, the oldest of five, with three children of my own, and I’m deeply worried about the future of our family.

During my father’s illness—later revealed to be terminal—my mother was his full-time caregiver, handling every aspect of his care until he died. Afterward, she took a short break to visit her sister, then returned home seemingly renewed. She went back to work, attended grief counseling, and told us she had met a “friend,” a widower whose wife had also died of cancer.

In Grief: When Healing Is Mistaken for Letting Go

I desire no future that will break the ties of the past.  ~ George Eliot

A reader writes: I have been told several times by people to "let go" of my ex who has died. I hate that.

I was told by a counselor once to "let him go," and this counselor (a spiritual counselor) said I was holding his spirit back by hanging on to my grief. I began to feel guilty, and decided I wouldn't think about him or talk aloud to him any more, if I was holding him back from moving on into heaven. That very night I had a dream. He and I were riding in a car with my sisters, and he had his arm around me. He turned to me and said very clearly, "We belong together. Why do you listen to others tell you things you know are not true?"

Finding Comfort, Connection and Hope in a Grief Support Group

A knowledge that another has felt as we have felt, and seen things not much otherwise than we have seen them, will continue to the end to be one of life’s choicest blessings.  ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

A reader writes: Today is exactly two months since my husband died. I have been crying since Sunday, after my son and his fiancé left. I can't seem to find any joy in anything. Two of our children are getting married, I have a new grandchild on the way, there is so much happy stuff going on, and I just want to cry. Maybe I’ve been trying to be brave. Nobody likes a downer, but damn it, I feel like a downer. I just saw an ad in the newspaper for a grief group that’s starting this month, and I really feel I need this. I have never been one to join a group, but this is more then I can deal with. Do these groups really help? There are six sessions, all dealing with different steps. Is it worth trying? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.

Walking the Path of Sibling Loss

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.  ~ Clara Ortega

A reader writes: My older brother and only sibling passed away suddenly at the age of 30. This is selfish, but what I hated most during the funeral and days to follow were people telling me to:

• Take care of my parents.
• Be there for my parents.
• Watch out for my parents.

It was weird; it was like my grief did not/does not exist. I hate the fact that sibling grief is something that is usually not acknowledged. I mean you can usually find more information on parents losing children or children losing parents or even when you lose a pet -- but hardly any information on the feelings of siblings losing siblings.

Healing Through Story: Helping Children Understand Loss

There is no substitute for books in the life of a child.  ~ Mary Ellen Chase

Helping children understand death—and the powerful emotions that accompany any disappointment or loss—is not easy, especially when other family members may be grieving as well. When adults are struggling with major life events such as divorce, serious illness, an accident, fire, natural disaster, a crisis in the world, or the death of someone close, children can feel lost, frightened, and confused. In such circumstances, they need stable and consistent attention from their caregivers, accurate and factual information, and the freedom to ask questions and express their feelings. Like the adults around them, they need time to explore and come to terms with the meaning of their loss.

In Grief: Rituals of Remembrance for Special Days

Simply touching a difficult memory with some slight willingness to heal begins to soften the holding and tension around it.  ~ Stephen Levine

We’ve barely caught our breath after enduring the holidays of November, December, and January, and now the stores are bursting with hearts, flowers, and candy—celebrating once again the gift of love.

But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving. For some, it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us, there is no celebration; there is only the grief that stems from absence and the pain of loss. Sometimes, out of fear of “letting go,” we may find ourselves holding on to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Yet letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, nor does it mean forgetting the people who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on—taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

Resources for Supporting Others Through Anticipatory Grief

 Saying that I was experiencing “anticipatory grief” would not have come close to capturing all the nuances and struggles, unique for me, as it is for everyone. ~ Donna S. Davenport

A colleague writes: I have a request to consult tomorrow with counseling staff at a high school regarding a staff member just diagnosed with a stage four brain tumor. Looking through your rich web site I'm saying to myself, "Articles, and books and messages, oh, my." Can you help me go to materials on anticipatory grieving, or feeling our own mortality/vulnerability, or helping someone cope with a terminal illness?? You may be able to help me sort through so I can go straight to the meat this busy day before I must show up ready to help! Many thanks if you can help at this last moment.

When a Teen Driver Carries the Weight of Guilt After a Fatal Accident

God teach us by Moments, we only know it as Accidents  ~ Dyota Narotama

A reader writes: Two weeks ago my nephew was involved in a terrible auto accident. He was driving at night during a heavy thunderstorm when one of his rear tires blew out. He lost control of his car, skidded off the highway and ended up hitting a tree. His girlfriend was in the passenger seat and did not survive the accident. My nephew is only 17 years old and is not handling this well at all. I am worried about him and don’t know what I can do to help. 

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic auto accident that took the life of your nephew’s girlfriend. I can only imagine how devastating this has been for you, your nephew, and both families. Auto crashes are among the most sudden and unanticipated of deaths, and that alone can make grieving especially complicated.

It’s very likely that your nephew believes, deep down, that he was somehow responsible for his girlfriend’s death—even though the accident was unintentional.

After a Child’s Murder: What Parents Need to Know About Guilt, Grief, and Survival

When working with families and friends of people who have been murdered I find that the operative verb is never died but was killed . . . Being killed is seen as different from dying; it's unnatural, a form of theft, an act of taking something from you and your loved ones. What is taken is a person's life and all of its promise for future joy and happiness, companionship, and accomplishment. It is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer.  ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.

Mixing Grief, Medication, and Alcohol: A Dangerous Combination

Heavy use of drugs or alcohol can intensify the experience of grief and depression and impair the bereavement process. ~ J. William Worden

A reader writes: I wonder if I might turn out to become one of those complicated grief people. I have all the risk factors. I'm not usually a drinker or a drug taker -- I've been regularly using alcohol and Serax (oxazepam) since my husband died. The same thing happened after we got his diagnosis a year ago, but when we received some positive news that they might be able to beat the cancer or at least control it - I was able to cut out the oxazepam and reduce drinking to a glass of wine a day. Then he suddenly died - and we were completely unprepared. Even the doctors were surprised.

In Grief: Coping with Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.  ~ C.H. Spurgeon

A reader writes: I am trying to figure out if what I am going through is normal. I am thinking that it is probably some kind of panic or anxiety attack. It started when I had something upsetting happen totally unrelated to the death of my friend. Everything went okay with that situation but things seemed to get worse as the evening went on. Yesterday it was like I had tunnel vision all day. I felt shaky and detached. I have been restless, anxious, and feeling like I am sleep deprived when I have actually been sleeping.