Keeping Their Ashes Close: Finding Comfort in Personal Remembrance

The kind of "blind obedience" once theologized as the ultimate step to holiness, is itself blind. It blinds a person to the insights and foresight and moral perspective of anyone other than an authority figure. — Sister Joan D. Chittister, OSB

Recently I came across a Facebook post linking readers to an article titled Vatican: No more scattering of cremation ashes. The article described the Vatican's recently reaffirmed (though long-standing) guidelines for Roman Catholics who choose cremation. According to those guidelines, cremated remains are not to be scattered, divided among family members, or kept at home. Instead, they are to be laid to rest in a place the Church recognizes as sacred.

The passionate responses the post generated reminded me of an exchange I had some time ago with a member of our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups.

Understanding and Managing Grief and Pet Loss, December 22 - December 28, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

I found the one piece of her that didn’t get scattered. And I could have never guessed what it would be. My Bizarre Childhood Wish Showed Up in My Mom’s Cremains, https://j.mp/2MzCDMT « Modern Loss

Helpful, current, reliable, and updated today : Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources 2019, https://bit.ly/2QIL4Zl « Grief Healing

Our problem is that my husband and I are rather amazed at how we are grieving over this loss. Pet Loss: Amazed At How We Are Grieving, https://j.mp/2SqDROp « Grief Healing

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Pet Loss: Amazed At How We Are Grieving

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay 

[Reviewed and updated December 2, 2025]

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.  ~ Albert Schweitzer

A reader writes: Just wanted you to know that your site offered a lot of insight into the grieving process when one loses a pet. My husband and I are in our 50's, with no children, but four cats and a dog. We recently lost our 10-year-old cat, very suddenly, to an unknown condition (perhaps a tumor) but somehow related to diabetes. She was in Intensive Care at a University Vet Hospital for two days but only went downhill to the point where the vets indicated that her prognosis was poor and that she would probably never recover. At this point we chose to euthanize her because she was in such pain and had labored breathing.

Our problem is that my husband and I are rather amazed at how we are grieving over this loss.

Helping Young Children with Pet Loss

When a cherished pet dies, parents have a valuable opportunity to teach their children that although grief hurts, it's a fact of life, it's a part of being human, and it happens whenever we lose someone we love. 

A reader writes: Three months ago our beloved 17-year-old dog Lady passed away. Honestly we knew it was coming. We believe she caught a cold that turned to pneumonia and she could no longer fight it. As I sit here writing this I am crying because it is still painful to realize. My four-year-old daughter is still bringing it up a least three times a month if not more.

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 21 - May 27, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Never Long Enough - A new book of comfort and hope amidst grief and loss, http://bit.ly/2rZjdFr « Read The Spirit

The Long Game After Loss, http://bit.ly/2rGMh7h « Christina Rasmussen

When We Blame Ourselves, http://bit.ly/2s3v7Nt « The Grief Toolbox

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 30 - November 5, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Contacting the Spirits, http://bit.ly/2eiGYjL « Widower's Grief

Cybergrief: Grieving an Online Friend, http://bit.ly/2fiQHZK « What's Your Grief?

Readers on overpowering nature of grief, death and dying, http://bit.ly/2fBu19w « The Guardian

In Grief: What to Do With Cremation Ashes?

Recently I came upon a Facebook post linking the reader to an article entitled Vatican: No more scattering of cremation ashes. The article describes the Vatican's recently published (but long held) guidelines for Roman Catholics who wish to be cremated, noting that cremation ashes are not to be scattered, divided up among family members or kept at home. Instead, they are to be stored in a place the church approves as a "sacred place."

The angry responses generated by the post reminded me of an exchange I had a while ago with a member of our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups:

A reader writes: I am asking for some advice. My father passed away a few months ago and every day is a challenge. From the time that I can remember my dad used to say when he died he wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread in the Pocono mountains of Pennsylvania. My mom, sister, husband and I are going to do this for him in a few weeks. We have our plane tickets, rental car and hotel so we are good to go. I am very nervous about this. I feel like it will be very hard and I feel like he is dying all over again when I think about letting go of his ashes. I have heard that the ashes of a loved one can be placed in some kind of small trinket. I think I will probably just put them in some type of small urn for now and look into that later. Some people have given me funny looks when I said we are spreading my dad's ashes, but I am going to keep some. They said that it was strange to "split" him up like that. Can you offer some insight? Is it weird to be doing this??  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 1 - November 7, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The condolences end. Being a widow doesn't. http://wpo.st/Qell0 « The Washington Post

Using Cremated Remains to Make Portraits, http://j.mp/1WDMNHN « A Good Goodbye

Don’t Make Them Eat Cake, http://j.mp/1Pqti51 « Modern Loss

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 17 - May 23, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Elaine Stillwell: Thinking Positively, http://j.mp/1Llielo « Grief Digest Magazine

Picking Up the Scraps, http://j.mp/1BgNz39 « Widower's Grief

Book Review: The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages, http://j.mp/1JHy2Ap « Seven Ponds Blog

Voices of Experience: Healing Rituals Help A Grieving Family

Photo by Elaine Mansfield

Rituals do not always involve words, occasions, officials, or an audience. Rituals are often silent, solitary, and self-contained. The most powerful rites of passage are reflective--when you look back on your life again and again, paying attention to the rivers you have crossed and the gates you have opened and walked on through, the thresholds you have passed over. I see ritual when people sit together silently by an open fire. Remembering. As human beings have remembered for thousands and thousands of years.  ~ Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Daily Lives

For 25 years, Elaine Mansfield has taught and written extensively about nutrition, exercise and women's health. Since her husband’s death in 2008, her work and writing have focused on end-of-life and bereavement issues. She also facilitates bereavement support groups for people who have lost spouses or partners and writes for the Hospicare newsletter and website. Elaine is a strong believer in the healing power of ritual, as evidenced in her popular TEDx talk “Good Grief! What I Learned from Loss” and in the piece she shares with us below. Many of the rituals she mentions here are described in detail in her beautiful personal memoir, Leaning into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief.

Pet Loss: Deciding on After-Death Care for A Cherished Pet

Source

[Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]

A reader writes: I lost my sweet cat just this week, and I'm so confused as to what I should do! My vet is holding his body right now in a freezer. I have an appointment to have him cremated on Tuesday and I will witness it to make certain that it is his remains that I get back, but in the last few days I have heard that it is not good to destroy the body if possible, because when the body/spirit is renewed it should be intact. If there is a place or way that we see each other again, I don't want to ruin the chances of it happening by doing the wrong thing. Please help me, I'm afraid and don't know what to do. If you can respond before Tuesday afternoon I would be very appreciative - if not, that's okay too - I just thought I would try. Thank you.

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 4 - January 10, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Updated today: Professional Certification Programs in Grief and Bereavement, http://j.mp/zbmbtz « Grief Healing Blog

Behind the Veil, http://j.mp/1AAZBFM « Alive in Memory

A Ceremony for Cremation, http://j.mp/1tQCamV « A Good Goodbye ~ Funeral Planning for Those Who Don't Plan to Die

Pet Loss: Keeping the Secret of a Cremation Mistake

[Reviewed and updated November 21, 2022]

We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows. ~ Robert Frost

A reader writes: I wonder if you could give me some advice. Recently our pet cat died and we decided to have her cremated so the ashes could be scattered in our garden. I have just learned from our vet who sent the cat to the crematorium that accidentally our cat was not labeled and was mass-cremated. It now leaves me with a dilemma as I know my partner will be distraught about this. Should I get another set of ashes (which my vet says they can supply) or should I tell her the truth? I honestly don’t know where to look for advice on this. I hope you can point me in the right direction. Thank you.

Coping with Pet Loss, July 8 - July 14, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Alkaline Hydrolysis: ‪Natural Cremation‬ Alternative for Animal Lovers, http://j.mp/No1kY3
  
  
• How did you know when to say goodbye? Tears rolling today, http://ow.ly/cdrNN by @Hallie_Sawyer
  
  
• Outstanding! Learning From Lennox, http://j.mp/OzRTBQ « Spirit Scraps
  
  
• Facing the Loss of a Cherished Pet, http://j.mp/Nb5S0W ‪

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 24 - June 30, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• When Scattering Cremated Remains, Be Considerate, http://j.mp/N03oB4
  
  
• Visit ‪Grief‬ Healing on ‪Pinterest‬: Articles, books, resources for bereaved, http://j.mp/KIBb1q
  
  
• Take Awaken to Good Mourning along as a guide to ‪grief‬, http://tinyurl.com/6mzkrzf
  
  
• Good read: Social Media Changes Grieving Process, http://bit.ly/L5ru3i ‪
  
  
• Beautiful! A Love Letter to Colorado, http://j.mp/MXxdpc « Two Old Horses and Me

Coping with Pet Loss, March 25 - March 31, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Grieving for Pets and Humans: Which Hurts More? http://j.mp/HzU2iU via @pamelaskjolsvik  « AARP
  
  
• Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One? http://j.mp/GZocuf
  
  
• Pet Cremation Mistake: Breaking the Bad News, http://j.mp/Hff7yW
  
  
• When Is It Time to Put a Problem Dog Down? http://j.mp/Hfb4CU « Dogster
  
  
• Death of pet can hurt as much as loss of a relative, http://j.mp/GRDq68
  
  
• Using Pinterest to cope with petloss, http://bit.ly/GQaJBe by@MarianneSoucy
  
  

Coping with Pet Loss, January 8 - January 14, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• What really happens inside a pet crematorium? http://j.mp/x9cRp7
  
  
• After-death pet care: What really happens to your animal companion? http://j.mp/xmdSVo
  

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 2 - October 8, 2011

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Free download: Mystie's Magical Message for grieving children, http://ow.ly/6Py6r by @BarbaraASimone

• Ain't No Sunshine: Men Reveal the Pain of Heartbreak, http://bit.ly/oeligm via @KindleCoyote

• Outstanding! How hospice helps with grief, in @upheremag http://bit.ly/oUrs9g via @OutCareTweets @virtualhospice

• Writing and Creative Expression in overcoming grief, http://ow.ly/6PzcH by @storyforhealing

• Grief and Children with Special Needs, bellaonline.com/articles/art56… by @DownSynAdvocacy

Coping with Pet Loss, May 1 - May 7

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• "If I become terminally ill, please call my Veterinarian!" http://tinyurl.com/2b9raez by @MeredithGould via @hospice4animals 

• Why is it so hard when a pet dies? http://is.gd/2xIE7 by @jmedvm

• The very definition of presence, http://twitvid.com/BUVJ7 @hospice4animals

• Cremation service gives animal lovers some peace, http://bit.ly/iq7TFP via @MATWCremation 

• Helping children through petloss, http://wp.me/p1kwLo-fL via @GreenRanchMom @drlisanelson

Coping with Pet Loss, April 24 - April 30

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Five Tips to Help You with the Pet Cremation Process, http://tiny.ly/qGHh by @PawsWhiskersWag