Bearing Witness: The Healing Power of Seeing a Loved One After Death

People who suddenly lose a spouse or a child to murder, suicide or an accident often benefit from being allowed to see the dead person’s body, even if it’s bruised or starting to decompose, a new investigation finds.  ~ Science News

A reader writes: I have spent hours reading your articles and books, and I am just about to order another one for my son on the death of a sibling.

I don’t know if you remember me, but you helped me in a profound way last June. You gave me immediate guidance regarding my son, who had gone missing at sea following a climbing accident. He was 26 and had nearly qualified as a doctor.

When a Teen Driver Carries the Weight of Guilt After a Fatal Accident

God teach us by Moments, we only know it as Accidents  ~ Dyota Narotama

A reader writes: Two weeks ago my nephew was involved in a terrible auto accident. He was driving at night during a heavy thunderstorm when one of his rear tires blew out. He lost control of his car, skidded off the highway and ended up hitting a tree. His girlfriend was in the passenger seat and did not survive the accident. My nephew is only 17 years old and is not handling this well at all. I am worried about him and don’t know what I can do to help. 

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic auto accident that took the life of your nephew’s girlfriend. I can only imagine how devastating this has been for you, your nephew, and both families. Auto crashes are among the most sudden and unanticipated of deaths, and that alone can make grieving especially complicated.

It’s very likely that your nephew believes, deep down, that he was somehow responsible for his girlfriend’s death—even though the accident was unintentional.

Supporting a Survivor of Homicide Loss

Spend 24 hours in my shoes as a victim of gun violence and I guarantee you will never look at guns the same way again.  ~ Bill Jenkins

A reader writes: I lost my significant other of 6 years only 4 months ago. We shared 4 children together and life is just not the same. I can't figure out why I am numb, frozen and slowing down. Things have gotten very hard, I truly don't want to express how hard. The pain I feel is crazy but I keep striving to be positive and to also find a new identity in this process. Nothing is the same.

I started a blog dedicated to him in hopes of finding other women (or anyone) who has lost their partner because I feel very alone in my battle. I wanted to express my feelings truthfully and freely amongst individuals in hopes to connect and help heal. I lost Damian to murder so connecting with people who understand that part as well were my hopes. Id like to hear other stories and also have the wisdom of others as well. Hopefully writing to you can help, but I would love for other women to connect and share their stories as well and hear me vent.

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 15 - January 18, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed:

The end of a caregiving journey brings a complex mix of emotions that can feel overwhelming and confusing. While grief is expected, many caregivers are surprised to experience relief after caregiving ends – a natural feeling that often triggers guilt. Understanding these emotions is crucial for healing and moving forward. Relief after Caregiving Ends « Caregiver Action Network

Coping with Overwhelming, Traumatic Loss

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. ~ Jane Wagner

A reader writes: I have come to the conclusion this year for me is supposed to be a lifetime movie. To start the year off I had to admit my son to a psychiatric hospital. He was bullied in school and wanted to die. He was also still having trouble dealing with his biological mother's death. She died of leukemia.

I get him home and less than 2 weeks later my family awoke to find my 2-year old daughter dead in her bed. She was happily playing the night before, but had died in her sleep from an undetected heart condition. 

Every day is a struggle and I am in more pain than I can bear.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 25 - September 7, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

Children and teens have their unique way of grieving. Loss tends to affect children in different ways than from adults. Depending on their age, experiences, and maturity levels, all children will have a different grief experience from the next. Oftentimes, a child’s grief is overlooked or overshadowed by adults who may be grieving the same loss as in the case of a sibling or a grandparent that has died. 11 Ways to Help a Grieving Child or Teenager « Cake

Dealing with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources

There is a light within each of us that need never entirely go out. We can lose the battles, but not the war. We can go on when our minds tell us that there is no point in going on- because something deep inside tells us we can go on. And we do.  ~ A. Powell Davies

A colleague writes: I am wondering if you would send me your best recommendations for dealing with traumatic loss. If you know any activities or rituals that can help a person heal that would be helpful. A coworker is dealing with a traumatic event and has asked for some help. Thanks so much.

Child Loss: Supporting A Sister In Grief

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heal them.  ~ Leo Tolstoy

A reader writes: My 6 year old niece died suddenly a month ago. She was a completely healthy, strong little girl, until all of a sudden she wasn't. She had been sick for a few days with a low grade fever and a headache. Her parents thought it was just the bug going around. One morning she woke up still complaining of her headache, but asking her parents if she could still go to her cheer competition the upcoming weekend. She was so excited about it. She fell back to sleep. When her father went to wake her an hour or so later, she started seizing. He rushed her to the hospital, where she continued seizing until at one point she stopped breathing and was intubated. She never woke up from that point. Once many tests had been run we were told that she was brain dead and she died from bacterial meningitis.

In Grief: Mother Struggles to "Accept" Son's Tragic Death

Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it. ~ Michael J. Fox

A reader writes: My son died instantly six months ago, when the car he was a passenger in slammed into a tree. The driver was drunk and speeding. My son had just turned 21 a week before the accident. Ironically, my son didn't go out that often, and when he did, he drove most of the time. I still can't believe this has happened and that he is gone forever. We are a close-knit family (we have two other children) and our son’s absence is felt so deeply by all of us. Nothing seems right without him. We went away for a few days last week, and it was hard to be completely happy because he is always on my mind. When I think of him being gone forever my heart starts pounding and I feel like I could be sick. I tell myself to take this one step at a time, but what will it take for me to accept what has happened?

Making Comparisons in Grief

I generally find that comparison is the fast track to unhappiness. No one ever compares themselves to someone else and comes out even. Nine times out of ten, we compare ourselves to people who are somehow better than us and end up feeling more inadequate.  ~

Jack Canfield

As news about mass shootings and natural disasters continues to flood the airwaves, our hearts go out to the victims, survivors, and others who witnessed these horrific events, as well as to the people living in those places. As a nation we express our collective condolences, offer our heartfelt prayers, and work to contribute whatever we can toward their healing.

For those of us already struggling with grief, however, such catastrophic events unfortunately can give rise to feeling guilty for feeling bad, as if we don’t have a legitimate right to mourn our own individual losses.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 4 - February 10, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Advances in neuroimaging are helping people better understand psychological reactions and responses to grief. Just as someone is changed by the arrival of a loved one into their life, they are altered by their departure. Grieving isn’t the problem: It is a solution, hardwired to help individuals navigate the pain of loss. What We Get Wrong About Grieving « Psychology Today

In Grief: When A Tragic Accident Takes A Mother's Life

Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.  ~ Danielle Bernock

A reader writes: I'm 25 years old, and I lost my mother in a surprising, tragic accident about 1 week ago. I was devastated for days, but now I don't feel much of anything... I feel saddened and confused, and I don't really know what to do... nothing feels important - but it is as if I should be feeling much worse, I don't know how to put it any better than that. The funeral was yesterday, and almost 500 people showed up to say goodbye (people were standing in the hallway doors looking it was so full), which was pretty touching considering my mom hardly ever left the house (except for work and dog walking), but it was a lovely thing. 

In Grief: Surviving A Brother's Fatal Accident

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.  ~ Clara Ortega

A reader writes: I'm going through a very difficult time. My oldest brother (39) died a month ago in a car wreck. We were super close as I lived with him for 5 years and he was always  protecting me and giving me his support and guidance ( I'm 31). Even before he died he told me how much he loved me and to take care of my belly, that we will see each other in a few days -- but this never happened and I'm devastated! He was so full of life. His wife recently had a baby, they both had great jobs and just bought a new house. He had so many dreams but was robbed of all of them by a negligent driver! I'm so full of anger and hate!

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 8 - October 21, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, which brings attention to the fact that tens of thousands of families across the country suffer the loss of their baby each year. It also brings awareness to the fact that the grief of these families isn’t widely acknowledged. Recognizing the Unique Grief of Bereaved Parents « Stanford Medicine

In Grief: Coping with Traumatic Loss

[Reviewed and updated November 11, 2024]

Our anxiety does not come from  thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.  ~ Kahlil Gibran

A reader writes: For the sixth night in a row I can't sleep. Last Monday a friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Her three children were in the car, the nine and eleven year old were perfectly fine, in fact just scratched. Her four year old was severely injured and helicoptered to another hospital. She died the next day. Mother and child were buried together in one casket. She was a friend from the past, but we had parted ways over the years. She still had a close relationship with my sister and my niece and her eleven year old are close friends. This was not a death I would consider very close to me, although close enough to hurt.

In Grief: Emotional Immaturity, or PTSD?

A reader writes: I lost my mom two years ago, 43 days later my dad remarried and disinherited me for his "new" son, 6 months later my business and personal partner of 5 years walked out with no notice leaving me several million dollars in debt with construction loans. That same year two of my clients died by suicide and I was called to take care of the property including the clean-up. Four months ago I was raped by an usher in my church. For the first 2 years I worked 16-18 hours a day trying to keep up with the financial debts that were over 10K monthly. The legal financial part was over last month. I survived that on my own. I decided to take this month off just to regroup. The rape didn't even bother me until I stopped. I have no family or friends. I work out of my home. Since I stopped working around the clock, I cannot function. I have never experienced this kind of pain. I do not get dressed, I'm confused, overwhelmed, don't want to leave the house. I spoke with my minister and he told me I had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

Voices of Experience: Saying Yes to Help (Saying Yes to Everything)

Never say "there are no words" to the grieving.  ~ Colin Campbell 

In his new book, author Colin Campbell offers an honest account of his journey through profound loss and grief, while providing guidance and practical tools for others going through similar experiences. Loss and grief are universal experiences but too often shrouded in isolation and discomfort.

Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose is a powerful and personal exploration of grief, as a bereft father shares his experience of losing both his children, Ruby and Hart when a drunk driver hit their car, and changed what was a pleasant family outing to the worst day imaginable. Colin Campbell addresses the fear, pain, denial, guilt, rage, despair and isolation that accompanies grief and encourages readers to find community and ritual in the face of loss. 

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, January 8 - January 14, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

This year, I encountered my worst nightmare. Despite all of the trauma that I’ve experienced, no level of abuse compared to facing the one thing I feared most in the world: losing my best friend, my emotional support animal (ESA), Willow. How My Emotional Support Animal Continues to Heal Me Even After Her Passing « Your Tango

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 4 - September 10, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

A newscast or film clip from September 11 can catch us by surprise, acting as a trigger, and it's as if we're confronted with the event for the first time, all over again. September 11: Coping with Aftershocks « Grief Healing

What causes us to feel such grief over the death of a celebrity or public figure we did not know personally? Queen Elizabeth death: Collective grief a common phenomenon after a public figure dies « Philadelphia Inquirer

In Grief: Surviving The Trauma of Abuse

[Reviewed and updated April 18. 2024]

A good half of the art of living is resilience.  ~ Alain de Botton

A reader writes:  Where to begin? As a child I was sexually abused starting at the age of 4, by my older siblings. I have 4 brothers in all and have been abused by 3 of them. This didn’t last long, but has left a mark on me that I have had to endure all my life. I have or thought I had come to terms with it.