In Grief: Sorting a Loved One's Personal Belongings

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes:  When you have a bajillion things that have to be done, but you can't do anything because grief has taken control of you, what gets you going again? I've been doing pretty well, two months into my journey. But I haven't done much with my husband's personal belongings. So far, I've been telling myself to wait to tackle all this until I feel stronger. But now I'm getting anxious that these tasks are piling up around me. I'm confused about what to do first, and my inner parent is telling me, 'These things won't go away, slacker. You have to do something about them, ASAP.'

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 26 - December 2, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

After experiencing a loss, the first year can be one of the most challenging times in the grieving process. Whether it’s a holiday, birthday, or anniversary, those firsts without your loved one present can trigger complicated feelings. Though the firsts aren’t easy, there are things you can do to help make them a little more tolerable. Tips on how to cope with grief during year of firsts « Clarksville Now

In Grief: Mourning The Loss of A Dream

A reader writes: Seven years ago I fell in love with a wonderful man I met at work. Although we never dated, we spent many wonderful hours together talking about everything and nothing. We spent a year getting to know each other, and I fell more in love every day. After I was transferred to another department, I was sure we would spend a wonderful summer getting to know each other in a more romantic atmosphere. That never happened. He didn't return my calls or emails, and never spoke to me again. I was heartbroken and never understood why he dumped my like that. Since then I have married a wonderful man, who has been a great stepfather to my children and a wonderful husband. He loves me and supports me in all I do. 

          Last month I found out that my co-worker "love" of seven years ago had died in a one-car accident earlier this year. I feel like I'm going crazy!

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 19 - November 25, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Knowing how to respond sensitively to someone else’s bad news is the last missing piece in the jigsaw of adulthood, the life skill most of us only realise, to our dismay, we are lacking in that particular sniper’s alley of the late 40s and 50s, when everyone is seemingly running from something and it suddenly feels very important indeed to be a good friend. These are the years of losing elderly parents, but also of early heart attacks, cancer diagnoses, of friends blindsided by now-the-kids-are-grown-and-gone divorces. Lately I’ve found myself struggling too often for the right words. There’s no right thing to say to people who are grieving, but the worst thing is fearing to speak at all « The Guardian

Grief After Suicide Loss: Supporting A Friend

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.  ~ Helen Keller

A reader writes: Six months ago I learned that a dear friend’s husband died by suicide. He was found hanging in their garage. As horrible as that was, I’ve just been told that yesterday their 17-year-old son took his own life too, and in the very same way. We are all in a state of shock. I don’t know what I can do to help her. I don’t even know where to begin. Would you have any suggestions or words of wisdom for me?

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 12 - November 18, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Here's why events like a "Ride for Your Life" are so important — and how to keep the spirit going long after World Day of Remembrance is over. ‘World Day of Remembrance’: Connecting Grief to Activism « StreetsBlogUSA

In Grief: A Note of Thanks, and A Message from Mom

A reader writes: Dear Marty, please accept my gratitude for your beautiful heart, and all you selflessly do to lift up and help people experiencing sorrow.

I’ve been visiting your website for over four years now, following the death of my Mom.

During the most sad and bewildering experience I will ever know, you’ve been a guide, providing comfort and heartfelt wisdom that leads me to Mom’s love, my lifelong source of Hope, Meaningfulness, and Purpose.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 5 - November 11, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

I have lost many loved ones suddenly within the span of just a year—and this new period of my life has felt incredibly strange, confusing and chaotic. I’m used to seeing grief portrayed in movies, TV shows and even video games, but I never quite understood what it felt like to actually grieve. Nothing could have prepared me for the struggles I’ve had to face, especially as an already overwhelmed college student. A year later, though, I’ve decided to give myself the opportunity to finally talk about the realities of grief. If you’re struggling like me, then maybe you can find some comfort in my personal reflections. My journey through grief « The Case Western Reserve Observer

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2023

[Latest update: December 8, 2023]

People think it’s terribly sad to spend Christmas alone, but it’s no sadder, really, than spending any other day alone, is it?  ~ Paula Hawkins

Once again the holidays are looming, and grief triggers are everywhere, reminding us of all we have lost.  That is why many community agencies offer programs to assist the bereaved, especially at this time of year. Your local hospice, mortuary or healthcare organization will have information about whatever special offerings and services are available to you in your community. In addition, the Internet abounds with all sorts of articles, books and tips that offer creative and practical ways to cope with the holidays.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 29 - November 4, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Death and grief are not easy to talk about. Talking to children about these can be harder still. Our instinct to protect children from harsh realities means we might avoid these topics altogether. But, as we discovered in our recently published research, bereaved children have lots of questions about death and grief. 'Why did he Leave Me?' 5 things grieving children want to know about the death of a loved one « The Conversation

Children Express Grief Differently from Adults

A child can live with anything as long as he or she is told the truth and is allowed to share with loved ones the natural feelings people have when they are suffering.  ~ Eda LeShan

A reader writes: My grandchild, age 7, lost her mother almost two months ago. The other children have shown some of the "documented" signs of grief, and I understand everyone grieves differently, but I am concerned for her, as she seems to be "begging" for pity much of the time. She has told me more than once that she loves all the spoiling she has been getting as a result of her mother's death.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 22 - October 28, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

After-death communications (ADCs) occur in people of all faiths, as well as agnostics and atheists. ADC experiences often leave a sense of comfort and healing in the wake of grief. Even as religious affiliation is on the decline, ADCs and belief in the afterlife seem to be increasing. After-Death Communication Experiences May Promote Healing « Psychology Today

In Grief: Making Big Decisions After Major Loss

Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful. ~ José N. Harris

A reader writes: Two months ago we lost our 18-year-old son in a traffic accident just two blocks from our home. He was driving alone. We are talking about moving because my wife can't drive by the intersection anymore and does not feel comfortable in the home. I need some advice on the subject of moving. Would this be good, bad, or too soon? Would we regret a move later down the road? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 8 - October 21, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, which brings attention to the fact that tens of thousands of families across the country suffer the loss of their baby each year. It also brings awareness to the fact that the grief of these families isn’t widely acknowledged. Recognizing the Unique Grief of Bereaved Parents « Stanford Medicine

When Grief Is Complicated or Prolonged

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.  ~ Dr. Earl A. Grollman 

You may have heard of the controversy over including Prolonged Grief Disorder in the latest edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), which is the most widely used psychiatric reference in the world. For more than a decade, mental health professionals and researchers worked diligently to agree upon specific criteria for identifying and assessing complicated grief ~ in order to obtain payment for treatment and funding for research, to identify those at risk, and to distinguish depression from complicated grief. 

Coping with Father Loss in Early Childhood

It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was. ~ Anne Sexton

A reader writes: I'm 35 years old and was nine years old when I lost my father. I live my life in a perpetual state of loss, it seems. I'm able to find a lot of joy, but it's always shadowed by an inevitable sense of sadness and loneliness. Sometimes, like right now, it just hurts and I don't know what to do with it. I've had years of therapy, with various therapists; I've been in 12-step programs; read numerous books on the subject, but I still live with this deep sense of loss. I guess I just want to know -- WILL IT EVER GO AWAY??

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 1 - October 7, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

In short, eventually you may well find an accommodation with your grief. I suppose that’s one of the few lessons I’ve learned in those four years. Not a happy accommodation perhaps, but enough of one to get you through the days and weeks and months and, now, years. That said, every so often grief will casually raise its head to remind you that it hasn’t finished with you. That it never will. That it is part of your make-up for the rest of your time on this planet. Every so often, grief will remind you it hasn't finished with you « The Herald

In Grief: Still Struggling After The First Year

Consequences follow when we force people to use a universal roadmap for grieving, and then judge those who do not follow it as wrong or sick. We deny the normality of grief. We deny the differences in our grieving experiences. We deny people the freedom to grieve. ~ Nancy Berns

If you find yourself (or someone you know) struggling with new waves of grief after having reached the one year mark, you are not alone. A woman whose husband died 15 months ago described her experience this way:

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 24 - September 30, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

As long as we love, we are going to grieve, and as long as we grieve, we are going to need support. Though it was on-trend for half a century, mourning attire has now been out of fashion even longer. Black is the customary color of mourning in the U.S., but wearing all black doesn’t infer what it did. Why Grief Is Ready for Its Renaissance Era « Psychology Today

Using Writing to Help with Grief

We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand. ~ C. Day-Lewis

Because grief is an intensely personal experience, your personal grieving style will be unique to you and your individual personality. You may find it helpful to return to activities of self-expression that satisfy or relax you, or discover new ones that bring you comfort and relief, such as walking, hiking, playing golf, fishing, meditating, writing or journaling; engaging in hobbies (carpentry, gardening, photography, collecting) or arts and crafts (painting, drawing, modeling, woodworking); listening to or making music; or simply talking and crying.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 17 - September 23, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

People bereaved during the first two waves of the Covid pandemic are three times more likely to have prolonged grief disorder (PGD), which can leave them lonely and in intense emotional pain, research from Cardiff and Bristol universities has revealed. The disorder, also known as complicated grief, can result in persistent longing for the deceased, intense emotional pain including guilt and denial, and trouble engaging with friends and planning for the future, all of which goes on for longer than six months. Prolonged grief disorder more common in Covid lockdown bereaved, study finds  « The Guardian

Anticipatory Grief: Coping With A Cancer Diagnosis

Understand there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, including anticipatory grief. It’s like the ocean. It ebbs and it flows. There can be moments of calm. But out of nowhere, it can feel like you’re drowning.  ~ Dana Arcuri

A reader writes: I am searching for an online support group for people and/or their loved ones who have been diagnosed with cancer. Three months ago, my husband (54 years old) felt a mass in the left side of his abdomen. Through several different physician referrals it was determined that he had massive splenomegaly. His spleen was removed last month. The pathology report stated he has CLL ~ Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. It is said to be stage 3. This week he will be having a bone marrow aspiration, to determine possible treatment options, if any.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 3 - September 16, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

When a loved one dies, “things” are no longer “just things.” In everyday life, the shoes someone leaves in the middle of the room can be an ongoing nuisance. But when the person who wore them dies, those shoes left behind can become sacred. The act of moving them represents a new challenge. Picking them up acknowledges the reality that they will not be left there again.  Why You Should Resist Taking Care of "Things" for those Grieving « Nancy Berns

In Grief: Supporting Someone Soon After A Death

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone in mourning, you are wise to do some reading about the grief experience, and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that the person who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to review your own personal experiences of death and grief, recalling who died, what was helpful and not helpful to you, and how you felt about it.

In Grief: How Can I Go On?

You never really stop missing someone — you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. ~ Alyson Noel

A reader writes: I am so lost. My mother-in-law died a week ago. I loved her so much. She was wonderful with my children (I have four) and she raised a wonderful son. I am grateful to her for all she added to my life. For the last decade I spent time with her nearly every day. I looked forward to seeing her after taking my children to school, enjoying a cup of coffee and her company. We seldom had conversations about anything beyond the family. She offered me advice when I asked for it but never butted in or criticized. I miss her so much.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 27 - September 2, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

The early, dark days of grief can feel hopeless. Others will hold out the hope of waning pain for you, since that can be hard to imagine. Because we can't change what has happened, hope must focus on the future. Finding Hope in Grief « « Psychology Today

In Grief: Coping with Traumatic Loss

Our anxiety does not come from  thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.  ~ Kahlil Gibran

A reader writes: For the sixth night in a row I can't sleep. Last Monday a friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Her three children were in the car, the nine and eleven year old were perfectly fine, in fact just scratched. Her four year old was severely injured and helicoptered to another hospital. She died the next day. Mother and child were buried together in one casket. She was a friend from the past, but we had parted ways over the years. She still had a close relationship with my sister and my niece and her eleven year old are close friends. This was not a death I would consider very close to me, although close enough to hurt.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 20 - August 26, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

We may be unable to make sense of the grief we feel. The logic of grief remains mysterious because it is as unique as the life stories from which it emerges. In times of grief, cognitive and emotional processes that usually ensure stability may function inadequately. Why Grief-Related Experiences Can Seem Illogical « Psychology Today

Pet Loss: A Run-Away Train of Grief

I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats. ~ Eckhart Tolle 

A reader writes: My beautiful lilac-point Siamese passed away earlier this month. I took her to the emergency clinic where they took blood tests and kept her through the weekend hydrating her. That Monday I transferred her to the Cat Care Clinic where she stayed another day. I was taught how to hydrate her and how to force-feed her. She wasn't even drinking water, though she would go to her water bowl and cry. She was trying to get well, but couldn't.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 13 - August 19, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

Suffering the sudden death of a loved person leaves some survivors stuck in grief. Can they win their lives back – and how? When Grief Doesn't End « Aeon

Nobody chooses to hang on to grief; grief is in charge. Grief can feel like an ongoing connection with the loved one. The goal is to someday remember with more love than pain. Grief Is a Long, Tedious Slog « Psychology Today

Coping with Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.  ~ Michel de Montaigne

A reader writes: I' m trying to deal with accepting the death of my father 6 months ago. I'm having panic attacks and I'm scared that they may start to develop into other fears.

I watched my father take his last breath and was there everyday as he slowly got worse. I want to remember him and not be afraid to think of him as it may provoke another attack.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 6 - August 12, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

Highlighting the dissonance between clinical diagnosis and the human experience of grief, new research sheds light on the controversial inclusion of Prolonged Grief Disorder in DSM-5-TR. Is Grief a Disorder? New Research Challenges the Psychiatrization of Mourning « Mad In America

Finding Joy in Grief?

For we have shared many griefs, but they are translated into pure love and rejoicing when we meet. ~ May Sarton

A reader writes: I am reading a wonderful little book Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman and I have a question for you. I have found this book of daily readings to be of great comfort to me. It has helped me survive one day at a time. Like the daily book readings, some days are better than others. I find that some readings are very difficult for me to comprehend. Overall, I can still recommend the book, but it is not perfect! 

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 30 - August 5, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

Loss, especially through unexpected events, can disrupt an individual's worldview. Yet, research has proposed that this disruption can lead to the rebuilding one's understanding of the world. During this process, individuals may discover their own strengths, develop a deeper appreciation for the impact of their relationships and gain new spiritual insights. 3 Lifelines To Hold Onto When Grieving The Loss Of A Loved One « Forbes

Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.  ~ C.H. Spurgeon

A reader writes: I am trying to figure out if what I am going through is normal. I am thinking that it is probably some kind of panic or anxiety attack. It started when I had something upsetting happen totally unrelated to the death of my friend. Everything went okay with that situation but things seemed to get worse as the evening went on. Yesterday it was like I had tunnel vision all day. I felt shaky and detached. I have been restless, anxious, and feeling like I am sleep deprived when I have actually been sleeping.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 23 - July 29, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

If the results of this study can be replicated and generalized, it seems that we are left with a major public mental health educational challenge. Whether by lack of knowledge or psychological denial, a large swath of the public may be suffering and not resolving grief normally. Recognizing and Reducing Prolonged Grief « Psychiatric Times

Does Hospice Withhold Food and Drink?

Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.  ~ William A. Foster

A reader writes: So… both of my in-laws passed away in different hospice facilities at different times in S. California. They received no food or water of any kind, just getting pain medications, and they passed within a week.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 16 - July 22, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

People who are grieving can make us feel uncomfortable. We tend to isolate those who are grieving, exacerbating their pain and loneliness. Acknowledging and addressing each other's suffering goes a long way to alleviating it. We need to be less afraid of saying or doing the "wrong thing" when addressing someone's grief. I'm Sorry For Your Loss « Psychology Today

In Grief: Sharing Sadness with A Child

It [is]our job to walk them through understanding their pain but also to be honest with them about our own.  ~ K.C. Freeman Ray

A reader writes: I recently lost my dad really suddenly, and he was only 50 and very healthy. I just wanted to talk about this because it seems there's nobody to tell. Nursing my younger brother today because he's not well. I got just an overwhelming sadness and couldn't stop crying and its weird how it doesn't even cross his mind why I might be upset because he's young? I dunno I don't get it surely even if he's a child he misses my dad too? Anyway I had to pretend I was crying because I felt ill and he was like "I never cry when I'm ill" haha.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 9 - July 15, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The bereavement-support organization Judi’s House estimates that more than 450,000 U.S. children will lose a parent to suicide by the time they turn 18. Short sleepaway camps have emerged as a unique way to support children and families grieving these losses.  Bereavement Camps Help Kids Affected by Suicide Grieve « TIME

Pet Loss: Regrets Following Dog's Burial

Bones mend. Regret stays with you forever.  ~ Patrick Rothfuss

A reader writes: I am writing in hopes that you may be able to provide advice or support that I can give my parents who just had to euthanize their 12-year-old Golden Lab, Barney. He had to be put to sleep because he could not walk anymore. It was a very sad event for the whole family, especially for my mother who was home alone a lot with him. Since he was buried last Sunday, my mother has not been able to let go of the fact that neither the vet nor my mom closed Barney’s eyes before he was buried. I know it sounds silly, but it really has been bothering her. She says she still can't control her emotions. Do you have any advice or comfort I can give her so she can let this go? Does this matter that he was buried with his eyes open?

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 2 - July 8, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Public trauma, or vicarious trauma, refers to indirect exposure to a potentially traumatic event. Watching the news, listening to a survivor’s story, or witnessing a tragic event can cause vicarious trauma. When left unaddressed, public trauma can manifest in the psyche, causing PTSD-like symptoms. How to Heal From Public (Vicarious) Trauma « Psychology Today

Grief Support Group: When Is It Time?

The type of group [in person or online] isn't the most important factor in the grief journey. Rather, finding a group that best enables personal growth, healing and moving forward is key.  ~ Anna Baglione, PhD

A reader writes: I lost my husband while I was pregnant with our first child and he was undergoing a bonemarrow transplant for his treatment of lymphoma. I was wondering if anyone around the 6th month maybe (cause thats where I am at now) remembers things more vividly. I had forgotten so many precious things and I don't know if it was the point that I am at but everything comes to me so clearly. I dream more vividly,

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 25 - July 1, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"Am I mentally ill? I've been told I am manic, a spoiled rotten brat and have dependent personality disorder." In Grief: Emotional Immaturity, or PTSD? « Grief Healing

Clinical experience, empirical evidence, and common sense all point to the oft-noted truism in serious illness and loss that was summarized in my friend Jim Kok’s book, now in its third edition, 90% of Helping is Just Showing Up. "Being There" is Invaluable: The Role of Presence After Loss « Grief Perspectives

In Grief: Emotional Immaturity, or PTSD?

A reader writes: I lost my mom two years ago, 43 days later my dad remarried and disinherited me for his "new" son, 6 months later my business and personal partner of 5 years walked out with no notice leaving me several million dollars in debt with construction loans. That same year two of my clients died by suicide and I was called to take care of the property including the clean-up. Four months ago I was raped by an usher in my church. For the first 2 years I worked 16-18 hours a day trying to keep up with the financial debts that were over 10K monthly. The legal financial part was over last month. I survived that on my own. I decided to take this month off just to regroup. The rape didn't even bother me until I stopped. I have no family or friends. I work out of my home. Since I stopped working around the clock, I cannot function. I have never experienced this kind of pain. I do not get dressed, I'm confused, overwhelmed, don't want to leave the house. I spoke with my minister and he told me I had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 18 - June 24 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"I found it in my 35 mm camera -- an almost complete roll of film. My heart did a few pounds more than normal -- that camera hadn't been used since the last time my husband and I went to Duke, three months before he died." In Grief: Preserving Memories « Grief Healing

In Grief: Preserving Memories

Preserve your memories. They're all that's left you.  ~ Paul Simon

A reader writes: My husband died in August of brain cancer.  We were blessed to have a few years together after surgery, chemo and radiation, but that time was also plagued by a continual decline in his abilities. I am 45, he was 56 when he died too young. Our dreams are lost. Certainly I know he is whole and not suffering any longer but that doesn't always lessen mine. I am disabled so I have each and every day to deal with my loss. A wise woman told me to throw my books away and look for my answers inside. I don't have answers, but I do have a lot of journal entries and I thought I might share one of them with you:

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 11 - June 17 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Although it happens to everyone, death is not talked about very often. It remains a taboo topic for many people, surrounded by fear and uncertainty. The way death is portrayed in movies or television isn't always accurate, either. As a result, there are many widespread misconceptions about death and people who are dying. Hospice Nurse Shares 6 Common Misconceptions About Death « Today

Voices of Experience: Communications, Dreams, and Synchronicities

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.  ~ Francis of Assissi

In her deeply honest and inspiring memoir, Watching for Dragonflies: A Caregiver’s Transformative Journey, author Suzanne Marriott explores how caregiving for her husband throughout his journey with chronic illness allowed her to gain a spiritual awareness that would ultimately help her through her own medical crisis and into a place of healing and solace.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, June 4 - June 10, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The journey of healing can feel overwhelming. But by employing cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, you can find comfort and strength to move forward and take back control of your life. The Resilient Grief Remedy « Psychology Today