When Grief Is Postponed: Finding Your Way Back to Healing

I tried to shut out the feelings that were hurting my heart with a thousand tiny pinpricks, which was somehow worse than having it broken all at once.  ~ Morgan Matson, in Second Chance Summer

A reader writes: I lost my dad ten months ago, while I was in my last year of nursing school. I had to 'tuck in' the grieving process in order to graduate which was my dad's greatest wish for me. He literally said, "Don't stop school for me." I originally felt rejected by him, but now I see he was protecting me again. He had an 8 month battle with pancreatic cancer that was just horrible. 

 So, I've graduated from nursing school, passed my state boards, and I wish I could give him a big hug. Now that the stress from school is over, I feel like I need to continue the active grieving. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 1 - October 31, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this month:

Grief is a universal experience that touches everyone—from kids to adults. And for fourth grade teacher Ryan Brazil, she used her own recent loss to help educate and open up to her students about grief. She explains what grief is to her students using a vase. Fourth Grade Teacher Explains Grief to Her Students « Upworthy

If ever there is a time when you’re entitled to ignore the rules of etiquette, or a time when immediate thanks is neither expected nor required, it is when you are in mourning.It is perfectly acceptable to express your gratitude for gifts of flowers, donations and other acts of kindness later, when other affairs are in order and when you may feel more up to the task. It is also appropriate to delegate this task to those family members and friends who are willing and able to do it on your behalf. In Grief: On Writing Sympathy Thank-You Notes « Grief Healing

In Grief: On Writing Sympathy Thank-You Notes

Appreciation can make a day, even change a life.  Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.  ~ Margaret Cousins

Upon the death of a loved one, it is customary to send written thank you notes as soon as possible, usually within two weeks of receiving a gift. But if ever there is a time when you’re entitled to ignore the rules of etiquette, or a time when immediate thanks is neither expected nor required, it is when you are in mourning. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 23 - April 5, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

The experience of dying a gradual death is an important, integral part of life. It is an opportunity to write our final chapter, to define the ending of our story. Writing Our Final Chapter More Meaningfully « Barbara Karnes, RN

Sadly, I frequently have families experiencing grief state some variation on the following: “Don’t play music, we might cry.” by Alan Wolfelt Educating Families about the Value of Music « AfterTalk

In Grief: Trying to Forget Mum's Passing

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.  ~ Unknown

A reader writes: It's been a week since the fifth anniversary of my Mum's passing. Since then, I have found that I'm trying to forget about it. Putting it to the back of my mind and hoping it doesn't appear in a conversation. Is that wrong? It’s also been six months since I visited the cemetery, but it's not because I find it hard to go there, I suppose I feel that it's not important to. Is that wrong?

Using Alternative Healing in Grief

A wise man ought to realize that health is his most valuable possession. ~ Hippocrates

Alternative healing refers to a broad range of medical practices and therapies that are used instead of conventional (mainstream) medicine. These treatments are often based on cultural traditions, holistic approaches, or natural remedies. While some alternative therapies have scientific support, many lack rigorous clinical testing to confirm their effectiveness. Still, alternative therapies can be valuable tools for coping with grief by offering holistic approaches that address emotional, physical, and spiritual healing. 

Alternative therapies that may help during the grieving process include the following:

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 9 - February 15, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

While there's no single right way to navigate loss, for many, having support from others can make the grieving process a bit easier, research shows. A 2020 review analyzed over a dozen studies on bereavement groups for grief and depression symptoms. The findings showed that bereavement groups were slightly more effective than control groups immediately after treatment, meaning they provided some short-term relief for grief and depression symptoms. Group support might help you cope with grief, data shows « Cheny Free Press

In Grief: "Time For Me to Write My Experiences"

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. ~ Anaïs Nin

A reader writes: I'm not sure what I'm writing here..but felt compelled to say something.  I have been on a horrendous journey since my husband died 4 yrs ago.  Every trauma has hit the children and me.....tonight my son aged 13 who is very ill came to my bed.....he couldn't sleep and was in terrible pain...I don't know how or why..but for the second time over the past few years I did hands-on healing on his stomach....which was an incredible experience for him and me...and that resulted in our best chat together in four years, and he fell asleep.....all I realized was that I had not protected myself from taking his pain....and I became acutely aware of some "talents" that I have........I rushed downstairs and searched the Net, to find information on healing....and then psychic surgery...and then somehow I got to your site!!!

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 19 - February 8, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed:

[T]hat a man might actually feel a profound emotional connection to his unborn child as it lives—or dies—inside someone else’s body is not a truth we’re especially comfortable with.“My body, my choice,” the longtime rallying cry of abortion rights advocates, emphasizes exactly whose body and whose choice it isn’t. In the public imagination, men’s feelings on this topic are of no consequence; some find it inconceivable that they even have feelings at all.  The Men Who Lost Their Babies « The FreePress

Pet Loss: Grateful for Comfort and Kinship in Grief

There are] two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give.  ~ Edwin Arlington Robinson

A reader writes: Dear Marty, I want to express my gratitude to you personally for the comfort and strength you have given me and others like myself who have lost special companion animals. My cat of eleven and a half years died of kidney disease. We had him euthanized when the disease had progressed to the point where, although he still had his dignity and awareness, he was so painfully thin and weak that we knew he was very tired; he had "fought the good fight," and it was time to let him go. 

Voices of Experience: Get Over It (maybe not all of it)

Losing a mate to death is devastating but it's not a personal attack like divorce. When somebody you love stops loving you and walks away, it's an insult beyond comparison.  ~ Sue Merrell

Brenda Johnson thought her life was predictable until a sunny Saturday when her husband announced he wasn't happy. Stunned by the message, she picked her heart up off the floor and biked to the farmers market. When she began to live alone, her life was normal as she moved into each day with music from the last, but sadness lingered too long after a reasonable divorce with no hate, theft, or slander. Weary of tears, her mantra became, "Get over it!" Her memoir chronicles her family’s early years and the years after her husband left, when it took too long to get over the tears. The stories of before and after divorce, sprinkled with humor and sorrow, are familiar to anyone who has experienced loss.

In Grief: A Note of Thanks, and A Message from Mom

A reader writes: Dear Marty, please accept my gratitude for your beautiful heart, and all you selflessly do to lift up and help people experiencing sorrow.

I’ve been visiting your website for over four years now, following the death of my Mom.

During the most sad and bewildering experience I will ever know, you’ve been a guide, providing comfort and heartfelt wisdom that leads me to Mom’s love, my lifelong source of Hope, Meaningfulness, and Purpose.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 24 - September 30, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

As long as we love, we are going to grieve, and as long as we grieve, we are going to need support. Though it was on-trend for half a century, mourning attire has now been out of fashion even longer. Black is the customary color of mourning in the U.S., but wearing all black doesn’t infer what it did. Why Grief Is Ready for Its Renaissance Era « Psychology Today

Using Writing to Help with Grief

We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand. ~ C. Day-Lewis

Because grief is an intensely personal experience, your personal grieving style will be unique to you and your individual personality. You may find it helpful to return to activities of self-expression that satisfy or relax you, or discover new ones that bring you comfort and relief, such as walking, hiking, playing golf, fishing, meditating, writing or journaling; engaging in hobbies (carpentry, gardening, photography, collecting) or arts and crafts (painting, drawing, modeling, woodworking); listening to or making music; or simply talking and crying.

Coping with Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

[Reviewed and updated August 13, 2024]

He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.  ~ Michel de Montaigne

A reader writes: I' m trying to deal with accepting the death of my father 6 months ago. I'm having panic attacks and I'm scared that they may start to develop into other fears.

I watched my father take his last breath and was there everyday as he slowly got worse. I want to remember him and not be afraid to think of him as it may provoke another attack.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, June 4 - June 10, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The journey of healing can feel overwhelming. But by employing cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, you can find comfort and strength to move forward and take back control of your life. The Resilient Grief Remedy « Psychology Today

In Grief: How Writing Letters Can Help

More than kisses, letters mingle souls.  ~ John Donne

A reader writes: I'm so sorry for all our losses and the horrible pain we're feeling. I'm a little reluctant to comment because my spouse died two years ago. Yes, I should be "over it" by now as so many have said, but I'm not. I hope my writing this doesn't depress too many others.

Voices of Experience: Heartbreak to Hope

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words. ~ Robert Frost

People who are mourning a loss often don’t have the mental ability to focus on books, so the short length of a poem is a perfect fit. Each of the poems in Kara Bowman's Heartbreak to Hope: Poems of Support for Grief and Loss captures a different aspect of grief. Readers will find their experience reflected on the pages in accessible and easily understood vignettes. They will feel less alone knowing that others have experienced the same feelings. They will move through the process of grief, having words for their emotions. And they will treasure this volume, coming back to their favorites time and time again for comfort and understanding.

In Grief: Helpful Tips on Writing an Obituary

May our obituaries someday say--preferably after we're dead, of course--that we lived in peace, in love, and mostly in grace. ~ Jaime Jo Wright

As noted in an earlier post, an obituary includes both public and private facts that celebrate a person’s life and engagement in the community. 

If you're ever faced with the task of writing and submitting an obituary for publication in a newspaper or online, you may find these suggestions helpful:

In Grief: On Writing An Obituary

Obituaries are just like biographies, only shorter. They remind us that interesting, successful people rarely lead orderly, linear lives. ~ Charles Wheelan

When is the best time to write an obituary?

It is not necessary to wait until a person has died to begin writing an obituary. People can be interviewed before death about what they want included in their obituary – and each of us can begin right now to write our own life story. The obituary may be the only account that will ever be written about us, and this is our chance to tell others exactly what we want them to know and remember about us.  Once written, it can motivate us to continue living an interesting and meaningful life – and inspire us live up to what we’ve written about ourselves. It certainly is a thoughtful gesture that can spare our family and friends from having yet another task to complete (under a newspaper’s deadline) during what will be a sad and difficult time. And it can be a priceless gift to future generations. If you do decide to write your own obituary, make certain that you keep it updated and readily accessible, and let your next of kin know where to find it.