I tried to shut out the feelings that were hurting my heart with a thousand tiny pinpricks, which was somehow worse than having it broken all at once. ~ Morgan Matson, in Second Chance Summer
A reader writes: I lost my dad ten months ago, while I was in my last year of nursing school. I had to 'tuck in' the grieving process in order to graduate which was my dad's greatest wish for me. He literally said, "Don't stop school for me." I originally felt rejected by him, but now I see he was protecting me again. He had an 8 month battle with pancreatic cancer that was just horrible.So, I've graduated from nursing school, passed my state boards, and I wish I could give him a big hug. Now that the stress from school is over, I feel like I need to continue the active grieving.
The problem is that I'm messing up at work, which is not new work for me. I'm doing the same things I was doing before I became an RN. No med errors, no problems with patient care THAT I'M AWARE OF! I'm messing up on the paperwork, and I seem to have lost my short-term memory. I also feel real confusion. I'm afraid that I will get fired from work. They know about my dad dying, but people who still have their parents are just so unaware.
I'm allergic to many medications, so I'd rather see a therapist. I have new insurance, so I'm going to give it a try. I just feel really scared opening up to someone in person.
I've been writing Dad and God letters and expressing my thoughts and emotions to both of them. I have forgiven myself and my stepmother for the things that happened while Dad was dying. But now, I think I need to forgive Dad for dying, and I'm still pissed off! I want to go stomp on his grave and tell him I don't appreciate him dying (actually, Dad had a great sense of humor, and I think he would get a big kick out of that!)
I need to write another letter to Dad and tell him about the NCLEX, school, problems at work, etc. He's not here physically, but I like to think that spiritually we never end.
My response: First, I want to congratulate you on graduating from nursing school, passing your state board exams, and becoming a registered nurse. That is no small accomplishment—and to achieve all of that while facing your father’s illness and death is truly monumental. Just think of the enormous energy, focus, and determination it must have taken for you to get through it all.
It doesn’t surprise me at all that now, as the intensity of school and exams has eased, your grief is beginning to surface and ask for your attention. That is often the way of grief: when we must set it aside to survive or function, it waits—patiently or not—until we have the space to face it. The good news is that it is never too late to do this work, and now you may be in a position to begin. I’m also pleased to learn that you’re considering seeing a grief counselor.
You mention feeling confused at work and noticing some short-term memory lapses, even though your patient care remains intact. Given the responsibility you carry as a nurse, I think it would be wise to have a confidential conversation with your supervisor. You might explain your situation just as you’ve shared it here: that while completing school and preparing for your boards, you were also navigating your father’s serious illness and death; that you had to postpone your grief; and that you’re now beginning to process it.
Letting your supervisor know what’s happening demonstrates insight, responsibility, and a strong commitment to patient safety. If it feels appropriate, you might even request temporary support—such as having a colleague double-check certain aspects of your work—simply as a safeguard while you regain your footing. Taking this step reflects not weakness, but professionalism and integrity.
I’m also very glad to hear that you’ve been writing letters to your dad and to God. Writing can be a powerful way to process emotions, maintain a continuing bond with a loved one, and give voice to thoughts that might otherwise feel overwhelming. Your honesty—including your anger—is not only understandable, it’s an important part of grieving. Love and anger can coexist, especially when loss feels so unfair.
As for your hesitation about therapy, that too is completely understandable. Opening up to someone in person can feel intimidating at first. It may help to remember that you don’t have to share everything all at once—you can go at your own pace, building trust over time. A skilled therapist will respect that and meet you where you are.
You come across as thoughtful, self-aware, and deeply committed—not only to your work, but to your own healing. With the love and encouragement your father gave you, along with your own strength and insight, you are well-equipped to move through this difficult time. I have every confidence that you will find your way forward, both in your grief and in your nursing career.
I wish you all the very best. ♥
Related:
- Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief?
- Grief At Work: Links to Resources
- In Grief: Doing The Work of Mourning
- Using Writing to Help with Grief
- We Get It: Voices of Grieving College Students and Young Adults
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