Understanding Grief Styles: How Personality Shapes the Way We Mourn

Ultimately it is [the] identification, validation, and exploration of their pattern of grief or adaptive grieving styles that grieving individuals will find empowering and that will allow them to deal with that loss on their own terms, with their own unique strengths. ~ Kenneth J. Doka, PhD

When someone we love dies, we expect grief to bring us closer together. But often, the opposite happens.

One person cries openly, needing to talk through every memory and emotion. Another stays quiet, focusing on tasks, logistics, or simply “getting through” each day. One may appear overwhelmed, while the other seems distant or unaffected. Misunderstandings take root. Feelings get hurt. And in the midst of loss, relationships can become strained.

What many people don’t realize is this: grief doesn’t look the same for everyone—and it’s not supposed to.

The way we mourn is shaped not just by love or loss, but by personality, life experience, and deeply ingrained patterns of coping. Understanding these differences can be the key to reducing conflict, increasing compassion, and supporting one another more effectively through one of life’s most difficult experiences.

In their book Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, professors Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin challenge the assumption that everyone experiences grief in the same way. Instead, they suggest that individual personality patterns—rather than gender alone—play a significant role in how people express, experience, and cope with loss.

It may not be surprising that men and women often differ in how they think, feel, and behave. It follows, then, that they may also differ in how they mourn. When these differences are not understood or respected, they can lead to hurt feelings and conflict between partners and among family members during an already difficult time. Behaviors may be misinterpreted, needs misunderstood, and expectations left unmet.

While all of us are capable of responding to loss in a variety of ways, Doka and Martin identify three primary patterns of mourning: instrumental, intuitive, and dissonant. Most individuals tend to rely more heavily on one of these styles.

Instrumental mourners experience and express grief in cognitive and physical ways. They are often drawn to gathering information, analyzing facts, making decisions, and taking action. In the face of intense emotion, they may appear controlled, detached, or task-oriented. Because they express grief intellectually rather than emotionally, others may mistakenly perceive them as cold or uncaring.

Intuitive mourners, by contrast, experience grief as a rich and intense emotional process. They are comfortable expressing feelings, often through tears, conversation, and shared reflection. Because their emotions run deep, they may find it difficult to step back and analyze their grief, and can appear overwhelmed by the intensity of their loss.

Dissonant mourners experience a mismatch between what they feel internally and what they express outwardly. This conflict—often shaped by cultural, familial, or social expectations—can create discomfort and confusion. Some may suppress their true feelings to maintain a certain image, while others may feel guilt or self-judgment for not grieving in the way they believe they “should.”

Cultural expectations, particularly around gender, further shape how grief is expressed. In many Western societies, men are often expected to be strong, composed, and in control. Emotional expression—especially crying—may be viewed as weakness. As a result, when a man does not outwardly display grief in ways that are easily recognized, he may be perceived as unaffected, even when his grief is profound.

Men are more often associated with instrumental mourning. They may channel their grief into action—organizing, building, writing, or completing meaningful tasks such as creating a memorial or delivering a eulogy. These activities can provide both a sense of purpose and a temporary respite from emotional pain. When men do share their grief with others, it is often in the context of shared activities rather than direct emotional conversation. Even when they do cry, they may prefer to do so privately.

Women, on the other hand, are more often associated with intuitive mourning. Socialized to be more emotionally expressive, they may seek connection through conversation and shared emotional experiences. They may feel a strong need to talk, reflect, and be heard. Yet even this openness can be criticized, with grieving women sometimes labeled as overly emotional or sensitive.

It is important to recognize that these patterns are not fixed or exclusive. Some women grieve in more instrumental ways, and some men grieve in more intuitive ways. Our own unconscious biases can influence how we interpret another person’s grief, leading us to misread or judge their behavior.

More recent research expands on Doka and Martin’s work by exploring the role of personality traits—often using tools such as personality type indicators—in shaping grief responses. While further study is needed, these findings reinforce an essential truth: personality matters. Understanding this helps grief counselors, therapists, and loved ones provide more effective and compassionate support, tailoring their approach to each individual’s needs and style.

Despite these differences, one thing remains constant: the work of grief is universal. All who mourn must, in their own way, confront, endure, and process the impact of loss. Grief must be expressed—whether through words, actions, reflection, or connection—in order to be integrated and resolved. Support, understanding, and acceptance are essential for every member of a grieving family.

Suggestions for Coping with Differences in Mourning

  • Recognize that your own personality and gender expectations may influence how you interpret another person’s grief.
  • Avoid judging how others mourn. What may appear inappropriate or detached could be a valid expression of instrumental grief.
  • Do not assume that someone who appears “fine” is further along in the grieving process. When in doubt, gently ask.
  • Be cautious about using alcohol or substances to numb grief; they often deepen and prolong emotional pain.
  • Understand that no one style of mourning is “right” or “wrong.” Differences across age, gender, and personality are natural. 
  • Avoid taking sides or valuing one grieving style over another.
  • Remember that anger can be a form of grief. Try not to take it personally or respond defensively.
  • Encourage open communication, especially for those who may struggle to express emotions or seek support.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here. 

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© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
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