When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents

Pietà by Michelangelo

[Reviewed and updated March 12, 2023]

I don't think of him every day; I think of him every hour of every day. ~ Gregory Peck, in an interview many years after the death of his son

In the ordinary course of events, we parents don't expect to out-live our own grown children. But when an adult child does precede us in death, it shatters our assumptive world and brings us to our knees. It goes against what we perceive to be the natural order of things, and it feels very, very unfair.

At such a sorrowful time, where can bereaved parents turn for understanding, comfort and support?

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 18 - March 24, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Widow's Voice: A Message in a Dream, http://j.mp/GJRQ2Y
  
  
• Workplace Grief: IndyCar-Style, http://bit.ly/GS2N5f  on gender differences in grief, by @Victoria_Noe
  
  
• Helpful! What to Say to Grieving Nonbelievers, http://ow.ly/9PsY5 via @MadSciKat
  
  
• Video: Learn all about National Students of AMF, the organization for grieving college students, http://abc11.com
  
  
• Wonderful! Riding the Grief Train, http://j.mp/GJoJN8 by Jan Warner

Caregiving and Hospice, March 18 - March 24, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Touching! She's Gone Missing,  http://j.mp/GRG9MF via  http://NYTimes.com
  
  
• I've Accepted I'm Dying. Now What? http://onforb.es/GIk8Mm by @CarolynMcC via @Forbes
  
  
• Research, funding and politics: Alzheimer's: Awareness Isn’t Enough, http://j.mp/GJt2bf by @stangoldberg
  
  
• Fatigue Strikes Family, Even Animal Caregivers, http://bit.ly/GPunzz from @Profmicro via @YahooNews
  
  
• Updated guide to public benefits, http://ow.ly/9MyAA via @AARPFamily and @amygoyer

Coping with Pet Loss, March 18 - March 24, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Hospice for pets a growing trend, http://ow.ly/9OC06 via @PassagesHospice
  
  
• Bill Of Rights For Grieving Animal Lovers, http://j.mp/GGsRPS
  
  
• Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers, http://j.mp/4RNOV
  
  
• What You Need to Know about Grief and Pet Loss, http://bit.ly/GEv2SS  Nice slideshow @Vetstreet via @GinaSpadafori
  
  
• Why We Feel Better When We Help, http://j.mp/FRLjCb | Vet Wisdom® Café
  
  
• Helping Children Cope with A Pet's Euthanasia,  http://j.mp/iPJoT9
  

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

[Reviewed and updated February 27, 2023]

A reader writes: It has been a year and four months since I lost my brother to suicide. I still feel so lost and more then ever I feel alone with my sadness, anger and disbelief. We had been close when we were younger (we were only 14 months apart) but as we got older we grew apart. The last thing I remember was fighting with him over the phone, six days before he died, and he made a comment about killing himself. I immediately called my dad and asked him to go check on him, but my dad told me that my brother was an adult now and he could not babysit him. Six days later he found him in his room.

My response:  I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic loss of your brother 16 months ago, but grateful that you’ve shared your story with us, and honored to be with you in your pain. As you’ve undoubtedly learned by now, death by suicide is one of the most difficult losses to endure, and certainly one of the most difficult to understand.

Caregiving and Hospice, March 11 - March 17, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• RN perspective on palliative care in hospital, Part 2, http://j.mp/xTZ4zl by @SevenPonds
  
  
• How to die like a doctor: You're Sick! Now What? http://onforb.es/FO4FhV by @CarolynMcC @Forbes
  
  
• Twitter week in review, http://bit.ly/xtDvkF by @ShelleyWebbRN
  
  
• Until the End: No time constraints on palliative care, unlike hospice, http://ow.ly/9G1B0 via @ctffox
  
  
• Heartwarming ‘rags to riches’ story: Therapy dog Coco lands new job at Hospice, http://bit.ly/x49ccA via @hospicepharmacy

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 11 - March 17, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Supporting Grieving Children: National Poll Results, http://j.mp/y78naZ via @HFAhospice
  
  
• 'Battle Fatigue: The War for Peace' - grief in the wake of homicide, http://shar.es/ppxlB via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Great activity to help children with grief: "It's Okay To Have A Dragged-Down-Day!" http://shar.es/ppdkE via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Love this! Friend Grief Lessons from "The Big Chill," http://j.mp/xgKSVa by @Victoria_Noe
  
  
• Beyond Kübler-Ross: Recent developments in understanding of grief and bereavement, http://bit.ly/z0qQFO via @tweet_ACGB

Coping with Pet Loss, March 11 - March 17, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Support for pet loss at Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ, http://j.mp/yAKVvY
  
  
• Finding Support for Pet Loss, http://j.mp/olji4Y
  
  
• After Pet Loss: Should you get a new pet right away? http://bit.ly/zISMOR by @MarianneSoucy
  
  
• Fur, Fins and Feathers: Grieving process for pet owners takes time, http://healingpetloss.com/xvht by @MarianneSoucy
  
  

Guilt and Regret in Grief

[Reviewed and Updated January 23, 2023]

The message of shame is “I am bad.” The message of guilt is “I did something bad.” ~ Dale Larson

A reader writes: Since my mother died, there are so many things I feel guilty about. All of the times she asked me to do something for her and I put it off. All of the times I rolled my eyes when she couldn't do things for herself. She lived in our home for two years after a major heart attack. I took care of her up until the last two weeks, when I finally called in hospice to help. That was the best thing I ever did. They helped us get through the dying process. But the guilt I feel is driving me crazy. I feel like a horrible person, and I wish I could tell her how I feel. She was 90 when she died, and lived a good life, had many friends and she seemed to be happy up until the last few weeks, when she became too weak to do the things she enjoyed. I wasn't always there for her, as I also work full time. I don't quite know how to handle this guilt and I am very depressed. Has anyone else had these kinds of feelings?

My response: This feeling of guilt in the aftermath of significant loss is so common as to be universal. Much has been written about why we experience it and what we can do to cope with it. (See, for example, Grief and the Burden of Guilt.)

Caregiving and Hospice, March 4 - March 10, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• An RN's perspective on end-of-life in hospitals and what needs to be changed, http://j.mp/wHYrUx
  
  
• What Do Hospice Social Workers Do? http://j.mp/xUKtgF via @HFAHospice
  
  
• Employer Best Practices for Workers with Caregiving Responsibilities, http://1.usa.gov/Au2eh7 via @chooseworkSSA
  
  
• Dr. Ira Byock on Transforming the Way We Die, http://bit.ly/xIjIvS via @RedefineHospice and  @hospicepharmacy
  
  
• Who does what on the hospice care team? http://bit.ly/zV4es4  via @SolariHospice

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 4 - March 10, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Give Us This Day Our Daily Grief, http://j.mp/yDzx6C  « Psychology Today by @CherylEckl
  
  
• Alone with Grief, http://j.mp/AmtwdG « Grief Reflection
  
  
• "We should not, ethically or morally, medicalize grief," http://bit.ly/wNGRbM by @dr_cacciatore @MISS_Foundation
  
  
• Steps: Coping with Loss of a Limb, http://j.mp/yYnYth in Grief Digest
  
  
• The Mystery of Letting Go, http://j.mp/z20wNV by @CherylEckl

Coping with Pet Loss, March 4 - March 10, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Helping Children with Pet Loss, http://ow.ly/9qVNn by @SueAtkins
  
  
• Excellent! Saying Goodbye: The When and How, http://bit.ly/wQNh6n by @MySmartPuppy
  
  
• New England Pet Hospice: Death is Not a Dirty Word, http://j.mp/w7XGqN
  
  

Unresolved Grief: When a Loved One Is Missing

[Reviewed and updated August 1, 2022.]

Source

Not every loss was confirmed by an officer at the door. Nor a telegram with the power to sink a fleet. Loss, often the worst kind, also arrived through the deafening quiet of an absence. ~ Kristina McMorris

A reader writes:  I honestly think I'm going a little mad. Three months ago my brother took a break from moving into his apartment [in Jamaica], went out for lunch,  and never returned. Boxes were not opened and he never slept in the bed. His car was never recovered, which makes things more complicated. From all indications the police have a suspect(s) but according to them, without a confession or a witness there is absolutely nothing they can do. I believe the detective who says if the opportunity arises to catch those responsible they will but, how likely will that ever be? My brother was 33 years old and single with a promising business career in printing. Crime and corruption in Jamaica is bad, but where isn't? Everyday someone goes missing, young and old and you never hear of them being found dead or alive. The police told me that his body may not be on earth as it would have been found, which they translated to mean they disposed of him out at sea. Until it happens to you, you never know how you would feel.

Caregiving and Hospice, February 26 - March 3, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• When I Needed Help - Outstanding first-hand account on need for caregiving, http://nyti.ms/zhzSv5 via @thenewoldage and @ctfox
  
  
• Give Hospice Time to Balance Pain Control With Alertness, Nurse Says, http://ow.ly/9obAt via @ctffox
  
  
• Terminally ill pet therapy dog spends final days celebrating life with hospice patients, http://shar.es/gZFPR via @SolariHospice
  
  
• Intimacy, Marriage and Alzheimer's Disease, bit.ly/yBBruG via @asnl2
  
  
• Lovely! Cooking cuts through mother’s dementia, http://bit.ly/x4lQCE via @alzcny

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 26 - March 3, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Nice list of recommended Films to Heal By, http://bit.ly/wKk9IB via @SevenPonds. See also Grief Movies http://j.mp/9OPplm
  
  
• Passing the Test of Grief, http://j.mp/w8leWV « Bertram's Blog
  
  
• Are We Medicating Normal Grief? http://j.mp/yQJ0px
  
  
• Touching and beautiful! GriefReflection: It’s Always the Little Things, http://j.mp/xwGYm8
  
  
• Picking Up the Pieces, http://j.mp/AxO8EM  via Small Bird Studios

Coping with Pet Loss, February 26 - March 3, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Agreed! Outstanding post by @DrKarenBecker on helping children cope with pet loss, http://bit.ly/NEPHChildren via @NEPetHospice
  
  
• Do vet teams need training in end-of-life care for pets and those who love them? http://ow.ly/9l5Z9  via  @VetWisdom