When Grief Begins Before Death

Grief does not wait for death to occur. It can begin in anticipation of a loss as well as after it has happened. Extended illness, disability, severe accidental injury, a terminal diagnosis, or the aging and decline of an elderly family member can give rise to what is known as anticipatory grief and mourning. We find ourselves reacting and continually adapting not only to an anticipated loss, but also to the many losses—past, present, and future—that we encounter throughout the experience.

Anticipatory mourning may begin as soon as we become aware that death is a possibility. It can begin when a life-threatening illness is diagnosed, a terminal prognosis is given, we learn that there is no cure, and we realize that death is likely or inevitable.

Issues of grief and loss are inherent in the caregiving process, and grief is experienced by everyone involved—whether we are the person living with the illness or disability or a family member, partner, close friend, or caregiver who is intimately connected to and caring for our loved one. We are coping not only with our own feelings of grief and loss, but also with physical and emotional fatigue. At the same time, we may feel overwhelmed by the financial, legal, medical, and personal responsibilities that accompany caregiving.

Coping with A Cancer Diagnosis: Anticipatory Grief in Caregiving

Understand there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, including anticipatory grief. It’s like the ocean. It ebbs and it flows. There can be moments of calm. But out of nowhere, it can feel like you’re drowning.  ~ Dana Arcuri

A reader writes: I am searching for an online support group for people and/or their loved ones who have been diagnosed with cancer. Three months ago, my husband (54 years old) felt a mass in the left side of his abdomen. Through several different physician referrals it was determined that he had massive splenomegaly. His spleen was removed last month. The pathology report stated he has CLL ~ Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. It is said to be stage 3. This week he will be having a bone marrow aspiration, to determine possible treatment options, if any.

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 15 - January 18, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed:

The end of a caregiving journey brings a complex mix of emotions that can feel overwhelming and confusing. While grief is expected, many caregivers are surprised to experience relief after caregiving ends – a natural feeling that often triggers guilt. Understanding these emotions is crucial for healing and moving forward. Relief after Caregiving Ends « Caregiver Action Network

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 1- November 9, 2024, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

My short answer is absolutely not! Why? Because we know that antidepressants alone (even when indicated) are not an appropriate means to provide comprehensive support to someone in grief.  Getting through complicated grief with antidepressants? « AfterTalk

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 25 - September 7, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

Children and teens have their unique way of grieving. Loss tends to affect children in different ways than from adults. Depending on their age, experiences, and maturity levels, all children will have a different grief experience from the next. Oftentimes, a child’s grief is overlooked or overshadowed by adults who may be grieving the same loss as in the case of a sibling or a grandparent that has died. 11 Ways to Help a Grieving Child or Teenager « Cake

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 16 - June 29, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Cody Delistray wanted to get good at grief. After his mother died of melanoma when he was in his early twenties, he found, as he writes in his new book The Grief Cure: Looking for the End of Loss,“There was no control to exert. No blueprint to follow.” So, feeling frustrated and exhausted, he did just what a mourner who’s also a journalist might do — he investigated. Grief is brutal, but there is value in it, experts say. So why do we try to "cure" it? « Salon

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2023

[Latest update: January 27, 2024]

People think it’s terribly sad to spend Christmas alone, but it’s no sadder, really, than spending any other day alone, is it?  ~ Paula Hawkins

Once again the holidays are looming, and grief triggers are everywhere, reminding us of all we have lost.  That is why many community agencies offer programs to assist the bereaved, especially at this time of year. Your local hospice, mortuary or healthcare organization will have information about whatever special offerings and services are available to you in your community. In addition, the Internet abounds with all sorts of articles, books and tips that offer creative and practical ways to cope with the holidays.

Voices of Experience: Communications, Dreams, and Synchronicities

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.  ~ Francis of Assissi

In her deeply honest and inspiring memoir, Watching for Dragonflies: A Caregiver’s Transformative Journey, author Suzanne Marriott explores how caregiving for her husband throughout his journey with chronic illness allowed her to gain a spiritual awareness that would ultimately help her through her own medical crisis and into a place of healing and solace.

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 16 - April 22, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

It is normal both to feel great sadness and relief after your loved one passes away. Your relationship to your loved one can further complicate how you experience and process your grief. 6 Things Caregivers Should Know About Their Grief « Psychology Today

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2022

[Updated December 31, 2022]

The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart.  ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Once again the holiday season is upon us, and for those of us anticipating or coping with the loss of someone dearly loved, the days ahead can be extremely difficult. Triggers are everywhere, stoking memories and reminding us of all we have lost. That is why many community agencies offer programs to assist the bereaved, especially at this time of year. Your local hospice, mortuary or healthcare organization will have information about whatever special offerings and services are available to you in your community. In addition, the Internet abounds with all sorts of articles, books and tips that offer creative and practical ways to cope with the holidays. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 18 - September 24, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Now I worry that — by perpetuating false ideas about how one should grieve — the new definition of PGD will potentially result in even less social support for bereaved individuals when they really need it. The Hidden Dangers of Pathologizing Grief « Medscape Nurses

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, July 17 - July 23, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The dying process usually starts well before death actually occurs. Learn how to recognize the signs of approaching death from one month to one day. The End of Life Stages Timeline: What to Expect « VeryWellHealth

Death That Brings Relief: Suggested Resources

[Reviewed and updated March 24, 2025]

It is not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.  ~ Lena Horne

A reader writes: Hello, I lost my mother last month. She died after a 3 year battle with lung cancer. She also had a stroke a year into her cancer treatments which left her unsteady, unable to drive and with slurred speech. Although she went through Chemo, and two series of Radiation, in addition to 40 days in the hospital for the stroke, she never stopped smoking. This was very frustrating to all of her family, as we were spending most of our time caring for her and taking her to Doctor appointments. It felt as though she didn't care about us. She was also very difficult to deal with, not taking her meds at the right time, over-medicating herself, not eating, not allowing for the care that she desperately needed in the home.

In Grief: Keeping The Secret of An AIDS Diagnosis

Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.  ~ Paul Tournier

A reader writes: I'm not really sure what I am looking for. This will be the first time I say these words to anyone other than my husband or sister. Even my own kids don't know the truth, but I feel I need support right now and you've been so helpful and kind.

My mom died of AIDS last month at the age of 68. Barely one week later, my dad was diagnosed with full blown AIDS. He is 70. Today I spent the day moving him from the hospital to a nursing home. We were shocked when my mom was diagnosed, after being sick for a year. They did every kind of test in the world, except an HIV test. She was so sick by the time they did the test. We spent the last year taking care of her and watching her slowly leave us. During the last few months of her life, I started really thinking and searching thru things in my dad's life. I discovered a life-time of lies and deceit.

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2021

[Updated February 6, 2022]

The holidays can be difficult enough already, but for those impacted by significant loss, they can be a real challenge. Fortunately help is available, both online and in person, as individuals and communities rally to offer information, comfort and support to the bereaved and those who care for them. 

As I've done in years past, I will be searching throughout the season for helpful articles and reliable resources that I can recommend and share with my readers.

Below are links to those resources I’ve gathered so far this year, which I hope you will find informative and useful. Over the next several weeks I’ll be building upon this list each day, so I encourage you to check back often to see what’s been added.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 27 - July 3, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

The unfairness of it is breathtaking. Grieving for what your person is missing, for what “he would have loved,” is complicated. There is no way to prepare for it. I'm Grieving For All The Things My Husband's Missing « Scary Mommy

In Grief: Conflicting Feelings in the Wake of Loss

[Reviewed and updated February 25, 2024]

The mental mist of ambiguity and the fog of ambivalence hamper human existence.  ~ Kilroy J. Oldster

A reader writes: I am beside myself. I want to be OK with this because my wife had lung cancer and she isn't sick anymore. She no longer requires the numerous medications that were for everything from pain to nausea. I should be glad for her but I miss her. I thought I had said everything I needed to say but now I feel as though I have more to say.

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 11 - April 17, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

It’s no wonder so many people fail to complete grief counseling sessions that are staged over a period of several weeks, with many attendees opting to bail out of such programs after just a week or two.  Why? I believe one of the reasons is because too many of the programs fail to provide a real roadmap to the healing grievers seek. Grief Recovery Programs Need to Include Action Plans « Open to Hope

In Grief and Caregiving: Finding Inspiration to Go On

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.     
~ Lao Tzu

A reader writes: I lost my dad four months ago. It has been a very difficult time for me. We were very close and our relationship grew even stronger 5 years ago when my mom underwent bypass surgery and suffered complications. As a result she developed what they call infarct dementia. Since my dad (who wasn't in the best of health) could not possibly care for her on his own, my wonderful husband  decided it was time for them to move in with us. I helped my dad nurse my mom back to a state where she could walk again and be in the world again. Although her recovery was miraculous in itself she was never again to be the same mentally. But that was o.k. we were just happy to have her back again. And for me it was a true lesson of how the power of love can get  you through your most difficult times. It certainly restored my faith. It was something that father and daughter did together as a true act of love.

The point of all of this is that my dad's passing left me feeling alone and hopeless. I silently asked myself how can I possibly care for my mom by myself?

Caregiving, Grief & Pet Loss, January 31 - February 6, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Whether you’re managing someone who has experienced a loss, or grieving yourself, communication and empathy are key. 7 tips for dealing with grief in the workplace « Fast Company