Grief and The Burden of Guilt

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[Reviewed and updated December 31, 2023]

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death. ~ Coco Chanel 

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Caregiving and Hospice, December 23 - December 29, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Former CEO, now a hospice volunteer, learns the value of living in the present, http://j.mp/TuwaAd from @DailyProgress via @SolariHospice

Helpful resource: Hospice terms defined, http://j.mp/YRArT8 via @SolariHospice

10 Practical Tasks for Those Facing Terminal Illness, http://bit.ly/Vh55PE via @NationalHME

A Caregiver’s Christmas Wish List, http://j.mp/TKWeuc by @AARP via @SrCareCorner

NHPCO's Don Schumacher talks about hospice and advance directives on RadioMD, http://j.mp/UyOk5T

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 23 - December 29, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Considering grief counseling? Use this check-list to see if it might be right for you, http://bit.ly/Vb2je9 by @suncoasthospice

Helpful New Year's Resolutions for Mourners, http://wp.me/p1l0Zh-cf  by @griefminister01

New grief website to explore: What's Your Grief, http://j.mp/W4rS0A

Why, God? http://j.mp/12F0LzZ

Holiday Break: A Lesson from the Animals, http://j.mp/VcJeZB

Holiday Break: A Lesson from the Animals

Beringer Tousley demonstrates lolling, ca. 2010

A wonderful mid-holiday-season message for all of us:

. . . You are a good person doing the best you can. So, remember that new book under the Christmas tree? Pick it up and start reading. Those music CDs in your stocking? Borrow your daughter’s portable player, close your eyes and listen for a while. Unwrap those bath salts and scented soaps, and claim the tub for a quiet soak.

Humans are the only creatures who are too hard on themselves. Dogs loll. Birds roost. When cats get tired, they sleep; when they’re hungry, they eat.  Mostly, they lie in the sun and yawn. There’s a lesson there.

Next week, we enter the New Year. Life will just keep getting faster and faster as our lives become shorter and shorter. In this brief intermission, as the world waits for the next act, take time to stand still, lie down, nap. You’ve earned it.

— Tad Bartimus, in The Arizona Republic, December 29, 1999

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Related:

• A Time to Push, A Time to Pause by Elaine Mansfield

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

A Christmas Message from My Heart to Yours

The tragic events in Newtown CT earlier this month 

have affected all of us, and certainly those of us

already burdened with grief. 

I know that few of us are in the mood 

to celebrate the holidays.

Caregiving and Hospice, December 16 - December 22, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Lovely! Celebrating the Gifts of the Season http://t.co/KzqxWLxz « Leeza Gibbons Memory Foundation

When “Knowing” Changes Everything: The value of “mapping” end-of-life pathways, http://j.mp/WxiGEl

Touching! "Doctor makes house calls, brings understanding ways," http://ow.ly/giCwc via @KPNapaSolano

Beautiful! Hospice nurse uses hand portraiture to support families: Loving Hands, http://ow.ly/ghOko « ADVANCE for Nurses

Check out these helpful and informative podcasts on hospice, http://ow.ly/gih52  from @hfahospice and @irabyock

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 16 - December 22, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Help for "complicated" grief, http://ow.ly/gjeeI via @CompEap

Say his name: the #1 tip, and my reality, http://j.mp/100SEhb « Fresh Widow

Great video on Talking to Kids about Death, http://j.mp/THZm6A « The Family Plot Blog

Coping with loss: Hospice suggests steps to help with grieving process, http://j.mp/Tffrkc

From Alan Wolfelt: How to Talk to Kids in Your Life About the Newtown, CT Tragedy, http://j.mp/UaDVx3

Coping with Pet Loss, December 16 - December 22, 2012

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Is your pet also grieving? http://j.mp/V9FE5s « LOST MY PARTNER Blog

Voices: The Tragedy in Newtown, CT

Harry Proudfoot lost his wife Jane to neuroendocrine tumor cancer (NET) in December, 2010. In the wake of that devastating loss, he decided the most effective way he could move through his grief was to go after with a vengeance the disease that killed his beloved. The result is his foundation, Walking with Jane, which you can read about here. Upon learning of the tragic shooting that took place in Newtown, CT on December 14, 2012, he wrote the following piece, reprinted here with his permission.

Caregiving and Hospice, December 9 - December 15, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Good question: My loved one has dementia, but when is it time for hospice? http://ow.ly/eVgIv

A hospice and palliative care physician counsels a patient on voluntarily stopping eating and drinking, http://ow.ly/1QaM2u via @hospicepharmacy and @abbrody

The time to speak-up with concerns for caregiving in a nursing home is NOW, http://bit.ly/SYDODN via @AARPKY

Doing It All Yourself: When Siblings Don't Pull Their Weight, http://j.mp/Urk35b

Holiday Gift Ideas for Caregivers and Seniors, http://j.mp/QYm5g7 « Soundscape Music Therapy

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 9 - December 15, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

To have when you need them: Grief and Mourning Resources for Gifted Kids, http://j.mp/Z874Nh via @HoagiesGifted

Comfort from MJ: Grief Hope for a Heavy Heart During the Holidays, http://j.mp/12fhGZJ by @HopefulMJ

Blue Christmas: 6 Ways to Navigate the Holidays in Grief, http://j.mp/Y1UPAv by Ashley Davis Bush

Permission to Mourn This Holiday Season, http://j.mp/VTKvcN « Grief Healing Blog

Coping with the Holidays: Suggested Resources http://j.mp/SI6P3r « Grief Healing Blog

Coping with Pet Loss, December 9 - December 15, 2012

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Information and support for pet loss, http://j.mp/SO9Q47

Voices of Experience: In My World, Superman

Source

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~ Clarence B. Kelland

The following comes to us from Lisa Rosendahl, in tribute to her father, Marvin Becker, who died on October 26, 2012, the day after celebrating his 63rd wedding anniversary with his wife and family. Lisa writes that following his massive stroke in 2011, "we almost lost Dad several times, but his strength and stubbornness kept him going until his final time, proving that he really is Superman." Marvin is survived by his dear wife Bonnie, eight children, 16 grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, "and so many more family and friends."

Caregiving and Hospice, December 2 - December 8, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Dying with peace and dignity: Engage with Grace movement http://j.mp/VpVdCx from @_lizzy_ via @BostonDotCom

Karen M. Wyatt, MD: What Doctors Need to Learn About Death and Dying, http://j.mp/WMev69

We All Need a Mental Vacation Destination, Caregivers. What’s Yours? http://j.mp/RbjxfX

Are you on Pinterest? You're cordially invited to visit, http://pinterest.com/griefhealing/ « Grief Healing

Can palliative care bridge the gap between cure-based care and hospice? Tell us what you think about Don's quote, http://fb.me/1q6iPMWim

A different way to get ready for the holidays: The Advent Conspiracy, http://j.mp/R0S2FI « Grief Healing Blog

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 2 - December 8, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Dealing with Death During the Holidays: an Interview with Brad Leary, http://j.mp/11X7eFV

Prenatal Loss: The Due Date, http://j.mp/VpWHNa « The Grief Toolbox 

"It's time to move on." Oh,yeah? Says who?  The Luxury of Grief, http://j.mp/UtGisf by @Victoria_Noe « FriendGrief

Amen! Time to bury the 'five stages of grief' myth, http://j.mp/YXW4Rk via @JenMarsh2

Nice ideas: help yourself through the holidays by helping others, http://j.mp/Uho5Ma

Coping with Pet Loss, December 2 - December 8, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Are you on Pinterest? You're cordially invited to visit, http://pinterest.com/griefhealing/ « Grief Healing

Grieving is an important part of healing when a loved pet dies, http://j.mp/SH0CYs

Diana Nyad: Euthanasia: A Moment of Grace and Heartache, http://j.mp/SJNHDC

For those who believe in animal reincarnation, http://j.mp/VEwss6 « Grief Healing

Worldwide Candle Lighting Service, 2012

 Candles will glow on Sunday, December 9 when tens of thousands of bereaved parents, siblings, grandparents, relatives, and friends around the globe will join together to light remembrance candles to honor the memories of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

Held annually the second Sunday in December, this will be the 16th Worldwide Candle Lighting sponsored by The Compassionate Friends (TCF), the nation’s largest self-help bereavement organization for families that have suffered the tragic loss of a child. TCF has more than 650 chapters in the United States, with sister organizations in at least 30 countries around the globe.

The Advent Conspiracy

For many Western Christians this past Sunday marked the beginning of the season of Advent ~ the four weeks before Christmas, originally intended to be a time of spiritual reflection and preparation before celebrating the nativity of Jesus. 

In recent years, those same four weeks have become a peak shopping period for retailers known as "the Christmas shopping season." For those of us engaged in caregiving, or in the midst of mourning the loss of a loved one, these four weeks can seem like little more than an additional and overwhelming burden. 

Given the state of the world and our struggling economy here at home, many more people may be looking for a different way to get ready for Christmas.

Caregiving and Hospice, November 25 - December 1, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

All you need to know about Living Wills, Making Decisions about Medical Care, http://j.mp/TzMMFb « Hospice of the Valley

The Caregiver Crisis, a TEDMED Great Challenges video, is available for viewing here: http://j.mp/Snkuyq

Common Misconceptions Associated with Hospice and Palliative Care, http://j.mp/QVWrts via @BestBudsRetreat

End of Life Conversation in Midst of Life Part 2: Sit Down, Take Action, http://huff.to/10h6sCO via @ALSAssistiveTec

No One Dies Alone program plays a valuable role in end of life care, http://bit.ly/TuQUJI via @hospicepharmacy

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 25 - December 1, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Beautiful piece by Deirdre Felton on the death of her brother "Brendan," http://j.mp/Uhti8N « Grief Digest

Health Risks of Loneliness (and What to Do), http://j.mp/TjW6Mx « Caring.com

“Man’s Best Counselor” by Kelly Farley, http://j.mp/Togflo « Grieving Dads Project

A Conversation with Marty Tousley, Grief Counselor, http://j.mp/V2fcqB « ElderBranch

Coping with Pet Loss, November 25 - December 1, 2012

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The death of a pet is often dismissed, as in "It's Just a Dog. Get Over It,"  http://j.mp/QVTJnT via @rhgerard