The Second Year of Grief: Why It Can Hurt Even More

Sometimes the first anniversary of his death is one of peace when we realize that we managed to survive the worst year of our life, but then we wake up to the second year and find a whole other set of challenges to meet.   — Pat Bertram

 A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days? For me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy, Marty? I have not dreamed of my beloved since he went to Heaven, except for a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him. No one will say his name, and I am trying desperately to understand all of this. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him, I did something wrong? I feel that way.

My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder, and she was so right. Am I the only person who feels this way?

The Burden of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.  ~ Nicholas Rowe

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 28 - May 11, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Grief is a journey. You can move through grief without letting go of the memory of your loved one. I will focus on the “morning” phase, or the sense of hope and faith that keeps us going. Learning From Loss « Psychology Today

Many experts in the field of grief psychology no longer speak of "stages" of grief that you passively go through, but rather of active "tasks" of healthy grieving, particularly in cases of traumatic losses such as the death of a child or death due to an accident, natural disaster, homicide or suicide. Not 'stages' of grief, but 'tasks': Escaping the spiral of heartache « Yahoo! Life

In Grief: Being Angry with God

What fire does not destroy, it hardens.   ~ Oscar Wilde

A reader writes: Our daughter was only 41 years old when she died of heart failure a year ago, leaving her three sons behind. Just a little over one week ago, their home caught fire and burned to the ground, taking her dog with the fire. As we stood looking at the burned out shell of our daughter’s house, we were in shock.

Grief In The Second Year: "Harder And More Painful Now"

A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days? For me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy Marty? I have not dreamed of my beloved since he went to Heaven, except a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him, no one will say his name and I am trying desperately to understand this all. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him that I did something wrong? I feel that way. My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder and she was so right, am I the only person that feels this way?  Read on here >>>

Voices of Experience: Becoming Starlight

Aristotle taught that stars are made of a different matter than the four earthly elements ~ a quintessence ~ that also happens to be what the human psyche is made of. Which is why man’s spirit corresponds to the stars. Perhaps that’s not a very scientific view, but I do like the idea that there’s a little starlight in each of us.  ~ Lisa Kleypas

Soon after completing her graduate studies in psychology, Dr. Sharon Prentice longed to discover “the why’s” about her own intimate experience with death in the form of a Shared Death Experience (SDE), and that of others who had experienced something “weird, unbelievable, odd” at the time of the death of a loved one.  By sharing her own story, she hopes to replace fear with hope, and take away the vulnerability that is intrinsic in sharing these experiences: "When vulnerability morphs into strength, Starlight wins!" The following excerpt comes from her book, Becoming Starlight: A Shared Death Journey from Darkness to Light, and is reprinted here with her permission.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 29 - August 4, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief Massage Therapy Sessions Help Clients Cope, http://j.mp/2ODkf57 « The Amateur's Guide To Death and Dying

I (Still) Go To Therapy, http://j.mp/2MhIPqs « Soaring Spirits International

Is Everyone Grieving or Is It Just Me? http://j.mp/2McTpPK « Victoria Noe

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 8 - April 14, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

After the Funeral, There's the Quiet, http://j.mp/2HwpO25 « Widower's Grief

On sudden upsurges of grief: Riptide, http://j.mp/2GYpOqK « Bryan C. Taylor

Picking a Fight with God: The Positives of Anger, http://j.mp/2HwjlEo « Crossroads Hospice and Palliative Care

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 26 - December 2, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grieving The Living: When your “lost” loved one is still alive, http://j.mp/2BDqIXe « HuffPost

What to Keep When Someone Dies, http://j.mp/2BlOFl5 « Modern Loss

Why does God let bad things happen to us? http://bit.ly/2Ae7EjZ « Terri Daniel on YouTube

Pet Loss: When Guilt Goes Unresolved

Source

[Reviewed and updated October 26, 2024]

Dealing with guilt is often thought of as the “dark side” of grieving. In fact, if you were to write a play about grief, guilt would be your villain.  ~ Dana Durrance

A reader writes: First I want to say that my 10-year-old dog is the love of my life sent to me by God to care for. He is epileptic and I devote my life and time to helping him in every way. I dread the day he has to leave me. My prior dog I also loved, perhaps not as closely, but she lived to be almost 17 and I loved her. My problem is that many years ago I gave away a little dog to someone, even knowing in my heart it was not the best home, and I am pretty sure she got run over as they lived on a busy road. It is a long story, but what was I thinking?

Voices of Experience: Prayer for Safety ~ A Pastor's Response

by Michelle Jarvie

The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

It was a normal moment. The last meeting before Easter was coming to a close, the cookie container was emptying, people were discussing next steps. Sitting in my church’s conference room at a large rectangular table, I heard one of my colleagues say, “Let’s close in prayer.”

As the ISIS attack on Brussels occurred just one day before, the first prayer request was for the safety of a friend we all knew traveling in Europe. “I’d also like to pray for my children, who are traveling for Spring Break. Please bring them home safely,” another chimed.

I don’t think I heard anything after that. Instead, I felt my temperature rise, saw my husband’s body dragged on the road by a reckless SUV, and revisited many thoughts I’ve had hundreds of times before:

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 14 - February 20, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Oh For Goodness Sake – Stand At My Grave and Weep Already!  http://j.mp/24eplHA « Full Voice— Barbara McAfee

Valentine Grief - Healing Through A Gift of Love, http://j.mp/1WpSwli « Journey Through Loss

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense, http://j.mp/1PzkJEc « Grief Healing

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In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

 [Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]

. . . Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life. We can't explain it any more than we can explain life itself. We can't control it, or sometimes even postpone it. All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did it happen?" and begin to ask the question, "What do I do now that it has happened?"  ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

A reader writes: Exactly one month ago at 1:30 in the morning, I got the call from my mama who said, "she's gone, she's gone!" Just waking up and not believing the words I was hearing, I dropped to my knees as my heart pounded crazily in my chest.....We buried my sister 4 days later.

Caregiving and Hospice, June 28 - July 4, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

5 Ways Hospice Care Is Changing Americans' Lives, http://j.mp/1C3joCp « Bustle

5 Tips For People Choosing Long Term Dementia Care, http://j.mp/1CdY9hv « Alzheimer's Reading Room

A Caregiver’s Resume, http://j.mp/1T5EXXs « The Unprepared Caregiver

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 19 - October 25, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Insightful: Grieving Without God, http://j.mp/ZRbFFo « Alive in Memory

The Grief Journey-What To Pack, http://j.mp/1zpNSww « The Grief Toolbox

Child’s Eye View of Death: The Power of Picture Books to Explain, http://j.mp/1wa3Bxj « The Guardian

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 14 - September 20, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Obligation to Replenish When Mourning, http://j.mp/1rqkyAC « Ezine Articles

Growth and Grief Resources (in print), http://j.mp/1wwSID0 « What's Your Grief?

New book to help children express feelings, navigate difficulties: The Rhino Who Swallowed a Storm, http://j.mp/1r7x0Un « Amazon

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 18 - May 24, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Every Day Can Be A MemorialDay, http://j.mp/1vY1jiY « GriefMinisterdotcom

Was Your Relationship 'Good' Enough to Warrant So Much Grief? http://j.mp/1ofIgi8 « Megan Devine

Supporting Someone Who’s Grieving, http://j.mp/1nk1dR4 « Alive in Memory

Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief

Find the latest version of this post here:

Looking for Answers in Grief

A reader writes: I have never been a religious person. But it seems that when you have such a tragedy in your life like losing a husband of 40 years that you seem to turn that way because you are looking for an answer. All the books that I seem to read talk about the plan that God has in store for you. Why I get so upset is that I was completely happy with my old plan - being with the love of my life until we were, say, 90 years old (not just 60). So why take my wonderful plan away and make me so miserable because He has a plan for me?

Grief and The Burden of Guilt

When your loved one’s terminal illness was finally diagnosed, as a caregiver you may feel guilty that you hadn’t noticed symptoms sooner, waited too long to seek treatment or didn’t do enough to comfort your beloved. If death came suddenly or unexpectedly, you may feel guilty for not being present when it happened. If it came after a long, lingering illness, you may feel guilty for feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering is over and you’re now free from the burden of worry and care. You may feel guilty that you are the one who survived, or uncomfortable that you received an insurance settlement or inheritance following the death of your loved one. If you’re a religious person, you may feel guilty that you feel so angry at God.  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 23 - December 29, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Considering grief counseling? Use this check-list to see if it might be right for you, http://bit.ly/Vb2je9 by @suncoasthospice

Helpful New Year's Resolutions for Mourners, http://wp.me/p1l0Zh-cf  by @griefminister01

New grief website to explore: What's Your Grief, http://j.mp/W4rS0A

Why, God? http://j.mp/12F0LzZ

Holiday Break: A Lesson from the Animals, http://j.mp/VcJeZB