Do you know of any grief support sites or books geared toward guiding those who want to help others who are grieving acutely, especially adult children? So many great programs on NPR address the dilemmas of adult children managing their parents' health care and aging issues long-distance, but I've never heard anything about long-distance management of grief support.
We are very concerned about addressing this quickly but also appropriately, as she is at a stage where she doesn't want to go on living, thinks she is a burden to all her amazing friends, and is beginning to lash out at them, saying that they can't possibly understand what it's like and that she knows they think she should be better than she is.
My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your father-in-law. How caring of you to reach out for ways to support your mother-in-law during this terribly painful time. I will share with you what I can.
First, because this death occurred so recently, I want to point out that many of the reactions you describe are common in the early days and weeks of grief. Your mother-in-law is still very close to the initial shock and disorientation that often follow the death of a spouse. As the reality of the loss begins to sink in, the intensity of her emotions may ebb and flow, and she may experience periods when the pain feels almost unbearable.
Thoughts about not wanting to go on living can occur in acute grief, particularly when someone has lost a beloved life partner. Sometimes what the grieving person wants is for the overwhelming pain to stop, rather than for life itself to end. There can also be a powerful longing to be reunited with the person who died. Nevertheless, any expression of wanting to die should always be taken seriously. There is an important difference between a passing wish to escape unbearable pain and an actual intention or plan to end one's life, but family members should not be expected to determine that difference on their own. If you believe your mother-in-law may be in immediate danger, someone who is physically near her should stay with her and seek emergency help.
I say this not to minimize your mother-in-law’s pain or sorrow, but to reassure you that intense, sometimes frightening emotions can be part of acute grief. This is one reason I think it is so helpful for family members to learn as much as they can about the normal grief process. The better you understand what grief can look and feel like, the less likely you are to interpret every intense reaction as evidence that something has gone terribly wrong. Another person’s grief can seem quite “crazy” to those around them unless they understand how profoundly grief can affect emotions, thoughts, behavior, and even physical well-being. You may want to explore some of the articles listed on the Death of a Parent page of my Grief Healing website.
Your mother-in-law may not have the interest, energy, or emotional ability right now to contact the hospice that cared for your father-in-law. As an alternative, you might consider contacting the hospice yourself on her behalf. Ask to speak with the bereavement coordinator and explain what is happening. Find out whether a hospice volunteer, bereavement counselor, social worker, or other member of the hospice team can reach out to her directly and let her know what bereavement services are available. They may also be able to tell you about grief support groups, individual counseling, or other resources available in her community.
You might also help by taking care of some of the practical arrangements from a distance. With her permission, you could help identify a grief counselor, make the initial phone call, arrange an appointment, or help her connect with a trusted friend who can accompany her. Sometimes, when a grieving person is overwhelmed, simply having someone else take the first step can make reaching out feel possible.
Bear in mind, however, that you cannot “make” her do whatever you think is best for her, my dear. This is her loss and her grief, and ultimately she must find her own way through it. Your role is not to take away her grief or to make her “better.” Your role is to make sure she does not have to face it alone.
From a distance, that may mean calling regularly, listening without trying to fix things, helping with practical matters, staying in touch with people who are physically near her, and gently connecting her with professional and community resources. Most of all, let her know that you are willing to walk beside her for as long as this journey takes.
I hope this information helps. Please know that I am thinking of you and your family at this sad and challenging time.
- 7 Ways to Help a Parent Who Has Lost a Spouse
- About Aging Parents
- Coping with the Loss of a Loved One When You Can't Be There
- Grief: Understanding The Process
- Helping A Grieving Parent
- Helping Another in Grief
- Long-Distance Caregiving: Twenty Questions and Answers
- How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences
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