You Can’t Take Away Their Grief, But You Can Be There

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone who is mourning, you are wise to learn more about the grief experience and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that someone who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to reflect on your own experiences of death and grief. Recall who died, what was helpful and unhelpful to you, and how you felt during that time.

If any of the suggestions offered here don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem appropriate for you or the person you want to help, simply set them aside and consider the others.

As soon as you learn that a death has occurred, there are several things you can do right away:

• Acknowledge the loss. In person, by telephone, or in writing, let the mourner know who you are, how you learned of the loss, and that you care.

• Attend the funeral. Say goodbye to the deceased and demonstrate your support for those most affected by the death. If possible, attend the visitation, funeral, committal, and gathering afterward.

• Let the mourner know if you found the ceremony especially meaningful. Sharing what touched you about the service can provide comfort and affirm its importance.

• Assemble a funeral scrapbook for the family. Include the obituary, funeral program, and space for cards, notes, photographs, and other mementos.

• Arrange to have the ceremony videotaped or audio-recorded. Offer to review the recording with the mourner at a later time, when they feel ready.

• Offer tangible symbols of support. A phone call, note, letter, comfort food, flowers, a potted plant, a hope-filled book, or a photo frame can communicate that you care.

• Send flowers or a living tribute. Consider a potted plant, hanging basket, bulbs, tree seedling, or perennial that can be placed or planted at the gravesite.

• Mobilize the mourner’s network of friends and family. Help them choose practical ways to offer support, such as checking on the mourner, preparing meals, walking the dog, mowing the grass, or raking leaves.

• Prepare and bring a meal. Include non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated beverages.

• Initiate contact. Invite the mourner to share what happened, giving them ample opportunity to tell the story of the loss.

• Listen with your heart. Listen with genuine concern and curiosity, respectfully and without judgment. Resist the urge to criticize, give advice, or position yourself as the expert with all the answers.

• Encourage, reflect, respond to, and validate feelings. Whatever feelings the mourner expresses, accept them without judgment and respect their confidence.

• Be willing to listen to the same story again and again. Grieving people often need to tell the story of their loss repeatedly. Keep your mouth closed and your ears open.

• Be fully and physically present. Allow sufficient time. Listen attentively and don’t appear rushed. Sit rather than stand. Maintain eye contact and an attentive posture, with your arms free and uncrossed. Match the volume, tone, and speed of your voice to the mourner’s. Let the mourner steer the conversation. Nod and offer simple affirmations that show you are listening.

• Accept and permit times of silence. You don’t need to fill every quiet moment with words. Sometimes simply being present is enough.

• Permit yourself to cry, too. Your tears mingled with your friend’s can convey what words cannot.

• Understand the uniqueness of grief. Everyone grieves differently, shaped by individual relationships, personalities, cultures, beliefs, and life experiences.

• Be patient. Grief takes time. Let the mourner set the pace rather than expecting them to “move on” according to a timetable.

• Recognize that you cannot take the pain away. What you can do is enter into the pain with your friend. You can listen, care, and remain available—not only in the immediate aftermath of the death, but long afterward, when the initial outpouring of support has faded and your friend may need you most.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

 Related:

• 23 Professionals Share the Best Way to Support Someone Who Is Grieving
• 50 Practical Gestures to Help A Grieving Friend
• Common Myths and Misconceptions About Grief
• Dead Parents Club
• Do's and Don'ts for the Bereaved and Their Well-Meaning Friends
• Easy How To Tips for Writing A Condolence Card or Note
• Good Grief Support Isn't Just A One-Time Thing
• Grief: Understanding The Process
• Helping Another in Grief: Suggested Resources
• How to Help After A Death
• In Grief: "Being There" for Someone in Mourning
• Please read this before you post another RIP on social media
• The Grieving Need You Most After The Funeral
• The Mistake I Made with My Grieving Friend
• There Is Nothing You Can Say to Heal Someone Else's Grief
• Use Crowdfunding to Help With Funeral Expenses
• What "Should" You Say When Someone Dies?
• What to Say When Someone Is Grieving
• When Their World Stops: The Essential Guide to TRULY Helping Anyone in Grief

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT

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