Voices of Experience: My Journey Home, by Sphinx

Sphinx and her big brother Beck

Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.  ~ Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Author Maverick Jayce is currently working on her next project, this time a science fiction novel. It is a little out of her normal genre, she notes, but her creativity knows no boundaries ~ as her short story below demonstrates. Maverick wrote My Journey Home as a way of coping with the loss of her cat Sphinx to leukemia in May of 2020. It is printed here with her permission:

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 19 - December 25, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has named prolonged grief disorder a condition as people increasingly experience ongoing loss. Prolonged Grief Receives New Recognition « Seven Ponds 

There are two situations in which talking about your loss may do you more harm than good. When It Helps to Talk About Your Grief (and When It Doesn't) « lifehacker

This Holiday Season and Beyond: I Wish You Enough

Dear Ones,

This story came to me over the Internet a while ago. I've since learned that it was taken from a piece originally written by Bob Perks, and it is reprinted here with his permission. I hope it touches your heart as it does my own:

Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together [at a regional airport.] 

They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough." 

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 12 - December 18, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Pets become close members of our families. When they are gone, the grief of their passing can be immense. Here's how to show up for someone going through this loss. What Not To Say To People Grieving A Sick, Lost Or Dead Pet « HuffPost Life 

The latest installment of Sex and the City has unleashed a mini-controversy — but for some, the drama has the power to stir up painful real-life memories.  Spoiler alert: Grief is never over 'Just Like That' « The Hill

In Grief: Dreading Mom's Stone-Setting Ceremony

Believe you can and you're halfway there.  ~ Theodore Roosevelt

A reader writes: Today is 9 months to the date and day that my dear mother passed away. I miss her more than words can express, but I know you know exactly what I mean as you can relate it to your loved one that has passed on.

Anyway, it is customery in the Jewish religion to have a "Stonesetting" within the first year after a loved one has passed on. It's a simple ceremony at the gravesite that dedicates the headstone to the loved one who has passed. There are a few passages read and whoever wants to say anything can. When the headstone is placed, which is prior to the ceremony, there is a piece of muslin over the stone and sometime in the ceremony my brothers and I take it off. I am DREADING this!!!

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 5 - December 11, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

I’ve attended vigils and memorials and trials. But nothing brings back the dead. And so we have to learn to live with loss, as impossible as it can feel sometimes. These are some things that ease the pain of grief from someone who’s been there.  People should not run from their grief « The Bona Venture

Pet Loss: Struggling With My Cat’s Ending

If you are someone who is struggling with intense guilt, I encourage you to remember two important things: 1) you are human and humans aren’t perfect 2) you loved your pet and guilt, not you, is the villain.  ~ Dana Durrance  

A reader writes: I have been going through your website and have found a lot of helpful articles. But I haven’t found the answers I so desperately need . . . How can I live with myself? Did I do right by him, even in his final weeks? Did he know he was loved and wanted? Was it worth being home for those hours for him, even though I think his heart got worse (maybe the stress relief did lower his heart rate even more)? Was that final purr session meaningful?

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 28 - December 4, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The number of U.S. deaths from COVID-19 has surpassed 775,000. But left behind are tens of thousands of children — some orphaned entirely — after their parents or a grandparent who cared for them died. How unresolved grief could haunt children who lost a parent or caregiver to COVID « PBS News Hour

Grief Healing Discussion Group Members Ask, How Long Can We Stay?

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.  ~ Brene Brown

Those of us in mourning often wonder how long the pain of grief will last. As I’ve often observed, I think this is like asking how high is up, because the time it takes to process grief simply cannot be measured. Grief has no timeline, and for most of us, we’ll never stop loving and missing the one we have loved and lost. Nor will we ever stop needing the understanding and support of others, even as we worry that our needs might one day exceed their willingness and capacity to help.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 21 - November 27, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The number of American kids whose caregivers have died in the pandemic has surpassed 140,000. Natasha’s story provides a glimpse at how institutions such as schools, hospitals, and governments have struggled to respond to the needs of children and families left bereft by the pandemic. Children who lost parents to Covid-19 are facing a crisis of grief « Vox

In Grief: Keeping The Secret of An AIDS Diagnosis

Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.  ~ Paul Tournier

A reader writes: I'm not really sure what I am looking for. This will be the first time I say these words to anyone other than my husband or sister. Even my own kids don't know the truth, but I feel I need support right now and you've been so helpful and kind.

My mom died of AIDS last month at the age of 68. Barely one week later, my dad was diagnosed with full blown AIDS. He is 70. Today I spent the day moving him from the hospital to a nursing home. We were shocked when my mom was diagnosed, after being sick for a year. They did every kind of test in the world, except an HIV test. She was so sick by the time they did the test. We spent the last year taking care of her and watching her slowly leave us. During the last few months of her life, I started really thinking and searching thru things in my dad's life. I discovered a life-time of lies and deceit.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 14 - November 20, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

How young people who lost parents and siblings to COVID cope with holidays Coping With Grief During the Holidays After Losing Family Members to COVID-19 « Teen Vogue 

This video with Dr. Alan Wolfelt provides some practical counsel to assist you in maintaining mental health wellness during the holidays.  Acknowledging Potential of Holiday Blues: Practical Tips « YouTube

Coping with An HIV+ Diagnosis: Suggested Resources

It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance.  ~ Elizabeth Taylor 

A colleague writes: I am doing a presentation tomorrow to a group of individuals who are HIV+. The topic is grief over their own disease and grief over the loss of friends to the disease. I looked at your website and couldn’t find any articles on that type of loss. Do you have any suggestions of articles or links, or anything I could use as handouts for attendees? Please don’t spend a lot of time researching this. It'll be okay even if I don’t have anything to hand out. I just wondered if you have something in mind off the top of your head.  Much thanks!

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 7 - November 13, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Although we may want to cure someone's grief with a simple quick fix solution, it's not something that you as the gift giver have control over. Instead, it's necessary to be there for them as a reliable support system when they need to talk. But while your presence is the most important gift of all, you can also show up in other ways. 45 Best Sympathy Gifts for Those Who Are Grieving 2021 « Well + Good

Veterans Day, 2021

The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.  ~ Douglas MacArthur 

The theme for this year's Veterans Day Poster is Honoring All Who Served. Artist Matt Tavares explains, 

In this poster, a Tomb Guard carries out his responsibilities with unwavering dedication, alone on the quiet plaza at dawn. There have been Tomb Guards of all races, genders, religion and creeds, so I wanted to keep the identity of this Tomb Guard ambiguous. By placing the Tomb Guard off to the side I hoped to remind the viewer to look past the sentinel and focus on the tomb itself and the unknown soldiers who died in service to our nation.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, October 31 - November 6, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

“But for a small but significant group of people, grief doesn’t resolve. It is ongoing, pervasive, intense and debilitating,” said Katherine Shear, professor of psychiatry at the School of Social Work and founding director of the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University. “This is what we call prolonged grief disorder.”  Prolonged grief disorder is now in the DSM. Here’s what you need to know. « The Washington Post

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources, 2021

[Updated February 6, 2022]

The holidays can be difficult enough already, but for those impacted by significant loss, they can be a real challenge. Fortunately help is available, both online and in person, as individuals and communities rally to offer information, comfort and support to the bereaved and those who care for them. 

As I've done in years past, I will be searching throughout the season for helpful articles and reliable resources that I can recommend and share with my readers.

Below are links to those resources I’ve gathered so far this year, which I hope you will find informative and useful. Over the next several weeks I’ll be building upon this list each day, so I encourage you to check back often to see what’s been added.

Understanding and Managing Grief and Pet Loss, October 24 - October 30, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

When COVID-19 began to spread throughout the U.S., our team felt a strong call of action in response to the overwhelming mental health crisis we saw unfolding before us. We began to explore online resources that could help bereaved people address their grief, manage their painful emotions, build resilience, and improve their mental health and well-being. COVID-Internet Resource Guide « Stony Brook University (pdf) 

On The Anniversary of A Parent’s Death: What Words Help?

The word 'anniversary' takes on a whole new meaning for widow/ers, or for any griever. An anniversary date is any meaningful date to you and your loved one. The hardest anniversary date usually is the one that commemorates the day of the death.  ~ Ellen Gerst

A reader writes: I have read several of your posts. I am familiar with your wisdom and advice. I just wanted to ask, Marty .... what would you have wanted to hear from friends close to you --on the first anniversary of the day a parent has passed? What words are there to formulate at such a sad day -- which also offers an ear of support? Would it be a heartbreaking reminder of his loss, or rather an appreciated thought -- if I chose to send a sympathy card?

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 17 - October 23, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Lately I’ve been pondering the word resilience. It doesn’t mean keeping your chin up and being okay no matter what happens. It DOES NOT MEAN THAT. Our society has such a limited collective opinion about human emotion. Bright, bubbly happiness gets way too much press. Cultivating Resilience « AfterTalk

In Grief: Did I Hasten My Father's Death?

[Reviewed and updated August 23, 2022]

I would rather be punished for making the right decision than live with the guilt of making the wrong one for the rest of my life.  ~ Shannon Messenger

A reader writes: My father passed away recently and I’m struggling with so much guilt. He had been battling cancer for nearly ten years. It started with prostate cancer and then spread to bones and I’m not sure if to a different area as well. He did radiation, chemo, oral chemo, and other treatments as well.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, October 10 - October 16, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The loss of a pet can be very painful; for us animal lovers, it can hit as hard as losing a human loved one. This pain isn’t helped by a lack of understanding and social support many of us experience after losing a pet. However, a new study reveals that saying goodbye to a pet can be as painful as losing a human loved one, and here’s why. Why losing a dog feels the same as losing a loved one « Newsner

Pet Loss: Waiting for Biopsy Results

Bad news is bad news because it drops your willingness to carry on.  ~ Meir Ezra

A reader writes: Yesterday I found out that my beloved Heidi has a tumor. It has not been confirmed if it is cancerous. We are waiting for the results of the pathology. I know the best thing for her is to be put to sleep and I can't stop thinking about it. She has been with us since she was 5 weeks old and she will turn 13 in March. She has been through so much with me that she is more like one of my children. I never thought in a million years a dog would mean so much to me and I would be so attatched. Thanks for listening to me and any suggestions are welcome.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 3 - October 9, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Well after the intense grief of an immediate loss has faded, and you think you’ve moved on, something happens out of the blue to revive it. Coping with grief triggers « IOL

In Grief: Coping with Anger at God

[Reviewed and updated April 8, 2022]

What fire does not destroy, it hardens.   ~ Oscar Wilde

A reader writes: Our daughter was only 41 years old when she died of heart failure a year ago, leaving her three sons behind. Just a little over one week ago, their home caught fire and burned to the ground, taking her dog with the fire. As we stood looking at the burned out shell of our daughter’s house, we were in shock.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 26 - October 2, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

What happened when one writer met with a medium in an attempt to connect with her Dad, who had died seven years ago. Can a medium cure grief? One writer tried to find out « Yahoo!

After the 18 months we have all experienced, time invested now in reflection can provide rich dividends in our emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical well-being as 2022 begins in only a few months. Lengthening Shadows: Autumn As A Reflective Season « Grief Perspectives

Voices of Experience: The Art of Reassembly

The Aftergrief is where we learn to live with a central paradox of bereavement: that a loss can recede in time yet remain so exquisitely present.  ~ Hope Edelman 

In The Art of Reassembly: A Memoir of Early Mother Loss and Aftergrief, author Peg Conway shares her journey of reassembling the forgotten pieces of her past ~ garnered from photos and keepsakes as well as conversations and travel to places she once lived. She rediscovers the mom she barely knew, and in the process discovers that truth, no matter how painful, heals us.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 19 - September 25, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Tony Falzano: For all those that have lost a loved one especially during the last 18 months. May you find comfort in this short, music video produced by The Caring Music Group. Grief Song: You're With Me Now « YouTube

Childhood Sexual Abuse, Mom’s Murder Complicate A Daughter’s Grief

[Reviewed and updated July 24, 2022]

If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn.  ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

A reader writes: My Mom was murdered a year ago. She was poisoned by my father....so not only did I lose my Mom, I lost my father as well... As one could imagine, I am not dealing with reality very well. I have and still am going through counseling on a weekly basis but the pain, rage, and guilt is still very much a part of my daily life.... there have been no arrests by the police... they tell me it is one thing to know he killed her but another thing to prove it..... he fed her fatal doses of anti-freeze over time... she died a very painful death....

In Grief: A Note of Thanks

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, that will be enough.  ~ Meister Eckhart

A reader writes: I wanted to thank you for your wonderful website. I still have much to learn about grief and how to deal with it. But I thank you because through this website I have been able to connect with other people. It's nice to know that there is a place like this that I can go to when I need encouragement.  And it feels good to know that I am able to support others during their time of need.  ~ A.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, September 5 - September 11, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Like so many of us, Eleanor vividly recalled the precise moments that rattled and scarred our nation. But unlike the rest of us, she carries a separate grief day in, day out, and not just on the anniversary of the 9-11 tragedies. Mothers do that when they lose a child.  A mother’s never-ending grief « Weirton Daily Times

Pet Loss: Signs of Progress in Grief

You should feel proud of yourself for every small step you make because healing from grief isn’t the result of smoothly navigating a journey. Healing from grief is what happens when you get up each day and decide to keep walking.  ~ Eleanor Haley

A reader writes: Well, it's been a bit over 7 months now and I'd like to say I'm doing wonderfully, but I'm not. I've been feeling pretty terrible and debilitated since my beloved cat died ....despite still DOING things for myself and my future. But I miss my girl more and more each day w/o her and many times still can't even begin to contemplate a world w/o her here.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, August 29 - September 4, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:  

When my yellow Lab died last spring, I was flattened by an overwhelming sadness that’s with me still. And that’s normal, experts say, because losing a pet is often one of the hardest yet least acknowledged traumas we’ll ever face. How to Grieve for a Very Good Dog « Outside Online

In Grief: “I’ve Lost Everything That Was Normal”

There is something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible—a wound that will never quite heal.  ~ Susan Wiggs

A reader writes: My mom died of cancer 3 months ago, after 7 years of fighting. I am 22 years old and I have lost everything that was normal. I miss my mom so very much, she was my very best friend. I just need someone to talk to that understands. I feel so alone. I am a Christian and that helps a lot but I literally don't have anyone, my dad had to move away, my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me 1 week after the funeral and my friends are too into college and partying. I feel like I have been robbed.

Understanding andManaging Grief, August 22 - August 28, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:  

I’m not a horse whisperer, but I have a new understanding of horses and their internal power. It began with Dr. Jo Anne Grace’s gentle voice inviting me to participate in a two-day equine-assisted grief therapy program. Equine-Assisted Grief Therapy: Healing with Horses at Humble Ranch « Steamboat Magazine

In Grief: Anticipating The Death of My Mother

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. ~ Rumi 

A reader writes: I am new to this. My mother is dying. She has breast cancer and now only a few months left. I am falling apart watching her die .... slowly .... I don't know how to do it. I fall apart at work, in the car, all the time now. I don't want to eat or smile or do anything. I just want to cry and sleep.

Understanding andManaging Grief, August 15 - August 21, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Few of us get through life without experiencing grief, but, as a culture, we don't do a great job of talking about it. What you should know about grief after COVID-19 deaths « The Union Democrat

In Grief: Remembering Only The Good

You should never say anything bad about the dead, only good. Joan Crawford is dead. Good.  ~ Bette Davis on the death of Joan Crawford

A reader writes: Recently I read something about finding a balance in one's mind of what was good and what was not so good in a past relationship. The idea was that remembering only the good can make it harder to come to terms with the loss. And they used a term for finding this balance. Marty, are there any articles you could suggest on this topic?

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 8 - August 14, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

At least 30% of California students surveyed by the ACLU said they’d lost a loved one during the pandemic. “Grief comes in all shapes and sizes, but for everyone, it means that life will forever be changed,” one educator said. “For students experiencing this, just noticing and caring can mean the world.”  How schools help students who’ve lost loved ones to COVID « Lookout Santa Cruz

In Grief: Will I See Her In My Dreams?

Desire is indeed powerful. It engenders belief. ~ Marcel Proust

A reader writes: I know this is probably foolish to ask, but then again the way I have been over the last 2 months anything can be seen as foolish. I have been told by others that have suffered a loss to expect to see my loved one within a few months after death........ I wait, and I wait, and I'm still waiting... I want so much to tell her one more time that I love her ...as I sit in the dark I look and listen for her.

Voices of Experience: Love and Light Live in The Wake of Loss

From the time we’re born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and coconspirators, our role models and our cautionary tales.  ~ Jeffrey Kluger

When her younger brother died unexpectedly on foreign soil in February of 2014, the mystery and complications around his death made the grieving process even more paralyzing for Susan Casey. Struggling to traverse her grief journey, she began to write, and as her blog’s audience grew, she experienced firsthand the saving grace of putting pen to paper. Soon she became a contributing writer to Open to Hope and The Grief Toolbox. 

In her inspiring book, Rock On: Mining for Joy in the Deep River of Sibling Grief, Susan delves deeply into her own experience of grief and includes interviews she conducted of siblings who lost a brother or sister and transformed them into powerfully written narrative grief vignettes.

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, July 25 - July 31, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Many people are starting to celebrate the return to a pre-pandemic life. How does that feel to those who have suffered losses and are still grieving? Joy and grief will coexist as Americans return to pre-pandemic life – 'everyday memorials' will help « Religion News Service

Pet Loss: Coping with Multiple Losses

[Reviewed and updated April 9, 2022]

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really. ~ Agnes Sligh Turnbull

A reader writes: I am crying as I write this because I had to put my beloved dog to sleep a week ago today. My other dog also has health problems and has been ill the whole time we went through the trauma of losing our ''girl'' last week. Tonight we had to take our other dog, our little boy, to the vet's. The vet is ''guardedly'' optimistic, although my dog has kidney problems, but has now started being sick to his stomach. I feel like the whole world is crashing down upon me.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 18 - July 24, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Grief is a natural part of life and it may sometimes bring important challenges. Developing coping skills may help you cope in a different way and start on your path to healing.  6 Coping Skills to Work Through Grief « Psych Central

In Grief: I Don't Understand The Process

When one person is missing the whole world seems empty.  ~ Pat Schweibert

A reader writes: My Mom died 2 days ago from Pancreatic Cancer. We hadn't seen each other since Christmas because of what now is something so trivial. Thankfully I'd written her letters and sent flowers on several occasions so I'm certain she knew that if anything I loved her.

It doesn't seem real. I cried my eyes out when I first learned of her death and then was distraught when my brother wouldn't let me see her body. I felt like I needed to see her to believe it. (He is a whole other dsyfunctional issue).

Understanding and Managing Grief: July 11 - July 17, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Because mindfulness is all about being with whatever comes up — good or bad — it makes an ideal companion for healthy grieving. Grief Touches Us All, But Mindfulness Can Help « Healthline

You may not think about them this way, but you already use coping strategies in your day-to-day life . . . Here, experts share seven coping strategies that can help you weather the grieving process. Dealing With Grief: 7 Coping Strategies « Health

In Grief: Widower Tries Going It Alone

Accepting help is its own kind of strength.  ~ Kiera Cass

A reader writes: My wife passed away in hospice five weeks ago. Since then I went home and had scant support from outside sources, to some degree by choice, and I've done everything mostly alone. Hospice people have called and sent literature, and I just couldn't accept my wife's death enough to respond.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 4 - July 10, 2021

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

A website, surfsidestrength.com, has been set up as a portal for accessing help later or for those who are grieving from afar — Counselors work to ease grief over Florida building collapse « Spectrum News 1

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

In Grief: Contact With The Deceased?

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.  ~ Thomas Campbell

A reader writes: Two years ago my husband of forty years passed away from congestive heart failure. I'm working through my grief and have done better than I ever thought I would. I have support and love from family and friends. I am secure financially. I am secure in my Christian faith. I am very blessed and I know it.

My question for you is this: Has anyone who's lost a loved one ever told you he/she has had some kind of experience with the deceased? Either seeing, hearing, or feeling the touch of the loved one. I have and I wanted to see what your thoughts are. Below are my own experiences.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 27 - July 3, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

The unfairness of it is breathtaking. Grieving for what your person is missing, for what “he would have loved,” is complicated. There is no way to prepare for it. I'm Grieving For All The Things My Husband's Missing « Scary Mommy