Anticipatory Grief: Staying Present When Loss Is Inevitable

In order to get from what was to what will be, you have to go through what is.  ~ Unknown

A reader writes: My husband has advanced-stage lung cancer, and I have to face the inevitable that he will die soon. It’s been 8 months; we’ve been married for 20 years. I’m sure that it’s normal, but the thoughts that are running through my head are driving me insane. I keep envisioning myself starting relationships with other men. I feel guilty like I’ve already moved on with my life. It’s survival instinct too, because I can’t support my kids on my own and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I love my husband dearly. I want to be focused on the present. How do I do that?

In Grief: Feeling Like More Is Going Wrong Than Right

Some of the best growth happens as a result of things going wrong.  ~ Nishan Panwar

A reader writes:  I am looking for suggestions. My story in short is I am six months in grief after my husband's unexpected suicide. It feels like more is going wrong than right and I am feeling like I'm on a sinking ship. My adult son, also grieving, lives with me and he is very resistant to seeing a grief councellor or anyone else. I was seeing someone but finances are such that I have to stop seeing her for awhile. 

Coping With STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 30 - July 13, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Over the years, a significant concern of mine has been how to not only share the incredible essence of my mother with those dear to me, but also not hiding the fact she died by suicide. This concern became most pressing over 11 years ago when I was expecting my son. I often pondered how I would introduce him to a grandmother he never had the chance to meet—a woman who loved me intensely yet had a complex story. How could I convey that she loved me, but that I would not leave him? I Finally Told My Son About Mom's Suicide. I Didn't Expect His Reaction « Newsweek

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 31 - April 6, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

A new sense of urgency has emerged for healthcare organizations to develop "sustainable and accessible bereavement care" and to cultivate a "bereavement-conscious" workforce to position bereavement as an "inherent element of the duty of care," authors of a recent opinion piece asserted. Incorporating Bereavement Into the Continuum of Care « MedPage Today

Meditation and Mindfulness in Grief

by Mary Friedel-Hunt, MA, LCSW

Acceptance in the mindful context means that even when the unthinkable happens, we honor our self and our experience with dignity and kindness. Rather than turn our back on our own suffering, we treat ourselves as we would a beloved friend.  ~ Heather Stang

Research studies confirm that the practice of meditation and mindfulness changes our brains and our lives; reduces pain, anxiety, confusion and stress; boosts the immune system; and increases concentration, focus and compassion, among its many other benefits. In addition, the practice of meditation and mindfulness can assist us in healing our grief, because it helps us live in the present moment...where our grief resides.

Grief Is Difficult

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult -- once we truly understand and accept it ~ then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. ~ M. Scott Peck, MD

A reader writes:  I read in one of your recent posts a quotation from The Road Less Traveled about accepting the fact that life is difficult. I'm trying to understand the author's words but failing.

In Grief: Staying Present in The Face of Inevitable Loss

Find the latest version of this post here:

Anticipatory Grief: Staying Present When Loss Is Inevitable

A reader writes: My husband has advanced-stage lung cancer, and I have to face the inevitable that he will die soon. It’s been 8 months; we’ve been married for 20 years. I’m sure that it’s normal, but the thoughts that are running through my head are driving me insane. I keep envisioning myself starting relationships with other men. I feel guilty like I’ve already moved on with my life. It’s survival instinct too, because I can’t support my kids on my own and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I love my husband dearly. I want to be focused on the present. How do I do that?  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief: July 11 - July 17, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Because mindfulness is all about being with whatever comes up — good or bad — it makes an ideal companion for healthy grieving. Grief Touches Us All, But Mindfulness Can Help « Healthline

You may not think about them this way, but you already use coping strategies in your day-to-day life . . . Here, experts share seven coping strategies that can help you weather the grieving process. Dealing With Grief: 7 Coping Strategies « Health

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 25 - May 1, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Although nothing can replace the love and support of friends or family, sometimes you need to grieve on your own. Here, we take a look at five grief apps that may help you understand death and the emotions you’re experiencing when adapting to life after the loss of a loved one. Five Apps That Can Be Helpful While Grieving « TAP into Westfield

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 16 - December 22, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Christmas Eve Luminarias: A New Mexico Tradition, http://j.mp/2BC2rS2 « A Good Goodbye

Introducing the We Remember Memorialization Service, http://j.mp/2BxtvBZ « A Good Goodbye

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources 2018, http://bit.ly/2AMA8Br « Grief Healing

Understanding and Managing Grief: December 9 - December 15, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Five things you need to know about your life after loss, http://j.mp/2LgPn9i « Second Firsts

Widowed and Scary~ http://j.mp/2LhN5Xi « Soaring Spirits International

Grief Doesn't Take a Holiday, http://j.mp/2Le4YXa « Widower's Grief

Caregiving and Hospice, August 20 - August 26, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

How Do We Improve Communication About Palliative Care? http://j.mp/2wdiZNj « SevenPonds Blog

10 Sanity-Saving Long Distance Caregiving Tips, http://j.mp/2wv3vqp « Caring.com

Active vs. Passive: a Key Difference between Mindfulness and Guided Imagery, http://j.mp/2w8HmLU « Health Journeys

Caregiving and Hospice, July 17 - July 23, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Company We Keep, http://j.mp/2afEliU « The Unprepared Caregiver

Mindfulness Prayer to Begin IDT Meetings, http://j.mp/29IeM7H «  Pallimed

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.

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Understanding and Managing Grief, March 20 - March 26, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

My Love/Hate Relationship with Easter, http://j.mp/1SkucAi « MADD

Easter and Grief: An Inescapable Connection, http://j.mp/1nZlM6C « The Huffington Post

Picture book helps parents talk to little ones about death, http://ow.ly/XP7lL  « Just Enough Books

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 21 - February 27, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

You Do Not Have to Be Good, http://j.mp/1oGrcEu « HuffPost Power of Humanity

When is Grief Finished? http://j.mp/1OBnYHk « GriefMinisterdotcom

Take Your Grief Emotions Inventory! http://j.mp/24tr5Na « GriefMinisterdotcom

Caregiving and Hospice, December 27 - January 2, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Songs of Transition, http://j.mp/1mTCyEm « The New York Times

Protecting Yourself…From the Future, http://j.mp/22yTTTs « The Unprepared Caregiver

Families caring for families, http://j.mp/1OqSCU3 « GeriPal

Voices of Experience: Reflections for a Grieving Heart

Chapel of the Holy Cross, Sedona AZ (Photo credit: Wickipedia)

By Anne M. Gorman

The following list is compiled from the many resources that helped me along my way after the death of my beloved husband, Jim, in May of 2012.

1) How to Meditate in A Moment ~ One-Moment Meditation, by Martin Boroson

2) 3 Meditations ~ Excerpts from Oriental Sunrise, by Riley and Gabriel Lee

3) Asking for Nothing .... and Receiving Everything ~ 30 Minute Meditation, by The Reach Approach

Anticipating the Death of A Spouse

Find the updated version of this post here:

In Grief: Staying Present in the Face of Inevitable Loss

A reader writes: My husband has advanced-stage lung cancer, and I have to face the inevitable that he will die soon. It’s been 8 months; we’ve been married for 20 years. I’m sure that it’s normal, but the thoughts that are running through my head are driving me insane. I keep envisioning myself starting relationships with other men. I feel guilty like I’ve already moved on with my life. It’s survival instinct too, because I can’t support my kids on my own and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I love my husband dearly. I want to be focused on the present. How do I do that?

In Grief: Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

Find the updated version of this post here:

Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

I know I need to pay attention to my grief, and I do. But I’d like to have better control over the shutdown spells because I don’t know what to do when their timing creates problems in the rest of my life. For example, I had an extended shutdown spell just when I was struggling to complete an important project at work. There was much work to be done, and the deadline could not be postponed. I almost didn’t deliver on time because during my shutdown I was too paralyzed to do anything but cry! That’s my dilemma – grief by itself is difficult enough to live with, but the stress intensifies when life and work make demands during my shutdown times. When things are that bad for me, telling myself to “suck it up” and press ahead isn’t helpful – it’s like trying to run a marathon an hour after open heart surgery.