A reader writes: I have been reading a wonderful little book called Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman. It contains brief, one-page daily reflections to help people work through their grief.
Today's reading centered on this thought: "Sometimes the best choice is to be in my grief, sometimes not."
The author suggests that we can become so accustomed to living in a grieving state that, in some ways, it feels more comfortable than making the effort to step away from it.
She writes, "We are the best judges of when to stay in our grief and when to move on to something else." I completely agree with that.
She also says that we must accept responsibility for the choices we make. I agree with that as well.
Finally, she concludes that it is important "to recognize the difference between grieving over the loss of a loved one and continuing to cherish that person."
I know I will cherish my beloved wife forever. I am certainly not "comfortable" with this grief, but I also cannot imagine ever becoming accustomed to living without her.
My question is this: How will I know when I can stop grieving?
My response: My friend, let me ask you a question. If you had lost one of your limbs, would it be reasonable for someone to ask when you would stop noticing, missing, or grieving the absence of your leg or your arm?
Losing a beloved spouse is much like losing a part of yourself. When two lives have been so deeply intertwined, the death of your partner can feel as though half of you has been torn away.
Grief is not an illness from which you recover. It is more like an amputation. An essential part of your life has been severed. Although your wife is no longer physically present, the bond you shared remains very much alive within you. Like someone learning to live after the loss of a limb, you gradually adapt to a new reality—not because the loss matters less, but because you learn, little by little, how to carry it.
This loss will remain with you for the rest of your life. That does not mean you will always grieve with the same intensity you feel today. The raw pain will soften. The waves will become less overwhelming. But you will never stop loving your wife, and you will never stop remembering her.
Instead of "getting over" her death, you will continue finding ways to carry her love, her influence, and her memory with you as you move forward. She has become part of who you are. Sometimes thoughts of her will bring a smile. Other times they will bring tears. Both are expressions of enduring love, and both are perfectly natural.
It is also important to remember that adjusting to your wife's physical absence is not the same as accepting her death. We can acknowledge that someone has died and recognize the reality of that loss without ever believing it is acceptable. Some losses defy explanation. Some sorrows never make sense. They simply become part of the landscape of our lives.
The task of grief is not to stop loving, stop remembering, or stop grieving altogether. It is to learn how to live a meaningful life while carrying a loss that will always matter.
- Acceptance, Closure, and "Moving On" in Grief
- Beyond the First Year: Struggling with New Waves of Grief
- Don't Ask Me How Long Grief Lasts
- Grieving Who I Used to Be
- In Grief: Feeling Guilty for Feeling Happy
- The Seven-Year Glitch: When Grieving Gets Easier
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
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