Grieving Without Numbing The Pain

Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim.— Margaret Gerner

A reader writes: It's been a terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad—at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the U.S. I've had all three children, plus one daughter-in-law, with me this past month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died.

I made the trip to the airport fine. I was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears, and drive home again. Altogether, it was a four-hour trip. When I got home from the airport, I collapsed into tears. It was still early, so the two sons who are staying with me—for now—were still asleep. I took a sedative, then had a glass of wine, followed by another. Nothing helped.

I never drink in the morning. I'm not even usually a drinker, and I'm not the type to use sedatives or sleeping pills. Now I'm wondering if I'm headed down the road to addiction.

Hospice Care Doesn’t End With Death

Endings matter, not just for the person but, perhaps even more, for the ones left behind.  — Atul Gawande

In his article, Demystifying Hospice Care, medical news and information reporter William Stroh argued that hospice organizations need to do a better job of informing the public about the services they provide. He urged them “to fire up a dialogue with people in their community about hospice care” and to “engage with the community on a regular basis through popular sharing sites such as Facebook and Twitter.”

I couldn’t agree more. Through such efforts, I hope more patients and their families will come to understand that when a life-limiting illness no longer responds to treatment aimed at a cure, they can turn to hospice for the comfort, care, and support they need.

But did you also know that your local hospice organization may be one of your best sources of bereavement information, comfort, and support—both before and after a death?

Living With Loss Without Living in Grief

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.  ~ Unknown

A reader writes: It's been a week since the fifth anniversary of my Mum's passing. Since then, I have found that I'm trying to forget about it. Putting it to the back of my mind and hoping it doesn't appear in a conversation. Is that wrong? It’s also been six months since I visited the cemetery, but it's not because I find it hard to go there, I suppose I feel that it's not important to. Is that wrong?

Keeping Their Ashes Close: Finding Comfort in Personal Remembrance

The kind of "blind obedience" once theologized as the ultimate step to holiness, is itself blind. It blinds a person to the insights and foresight and moral perspective of anyone other than an authority figure. — Sister Joan D. Chittister, OSB

Recently I came across a Facebook post linking readers to an article titled Vatican: No more scattering of cremation ashes. The article described the Vatican's recently reaffirmed (though long-standing) guidelines for Roman Catholics who choose cremation. According to those guidelines, cremated remains are not to be scattered, divided among family members, or kept at home. Instead, they are to be laid to rest in a place the Church recognizes as sacred.

The passionate responses the post generated reminded me of an exchange I had some time ago with a member of our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups.

When Does Grieving End?

Grief comes in three stages: the beginning, the middle, and the rest of your life.  ~ Candace Lightner

A reader writes: I have been reading a wonderful little book called Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman. It contains brief, one-page daily reflections to help people work through their grief.

Today's reading centered on this thought: "Sometimes the best choice is to be in my grief, sometimes not."

The author suggests that we can become so accustomed to living in a grieving state that, in some ways, it feels more comfortable than making the effort to step away from it.

When You've Lost Both Parents: Coping With Anger, Despair and Grief

At midnight, even bad days come to an end.  ~ Ms Moem

A reader writes: I lost both my parents and it sucks. My father died before I even graduated from college. For me, I wanted to make my parents proud by going to college, and getting a good paying job and helping them out financially. My father died before I even graduated, and he never saw me off to my real professional job. Life seemed pointless. My dream was killed. A part of me died. Our family was broken. We had to find a way to hold the table up with one person short. At that point, I realized that the most important thing to me was to spend as much time as I could with family, especially my mom, since she was hurting so much because she lost her companion. She became my best friend and we did everything together. And I was happy. I just wanted time with my family. And then last month my mother passes away. I'm so shocked I can't believe it. Now what I lived for, just got killed again.

Grief Has No Sexual Orientation

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

A reader writes: My heart is breaking. My partner died some time ago, yet it still feels as though it happened yesterday. I've recently received some very bad news about my own health, and more than ever I find myself needing my partner to be here with me. I feel as though my heart can bear no more. My soul feels empty without her. Everything about my life feels different, and it is so hard. I need to find other lesbians who have lost their spouse.

I attended a grief support group yesterday, and it was painfully difficult. During the introductory "check-in," the member who spoke after me said she would not be able to continue if I were allowed to stay in the group. She said lesbianism is a sin.

Supporting a Grieving Partner While Mourning Your Own Loss

If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.  ~ Peter Hoeg

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves. 

Keeping the Secret of a Terminal Prognosis: Finding the Courage to Tell Those You Love

If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.  ~ George Orwell in 1984

A reader writes: I am married and the mother of three children. I have been told by my doctors that I have a rare and terminal illness. My husband and children love me and need me, and they do not know that I am dying because I cannot tell them.

How can I tell the ones who count on me that I won’t be here for them? How can I tell them that I brought them into the world with love and tears, and now I’m leaving?

My husband and children don’t know. I won’t let them know.

From Caregiver to Widower: Coping With the Death of a Beloved Wife

Accepting help is its own kind of strength.  ~ Kiera Cass

A reader writes: My wife passed away in hospice five weeks ago. Since then, I've gone home and had very little support from outside sources, partly by choice. I've done almost everything alone. The hospice staff have called and sent literature, but I just couldn't accept my wife's death enough to respond.

I was her caregiver and, basically, her nurse for years, with very little outside help. It was all left up to us. I know she would have died much sooner if we hadn't fought so hard to get her the treatment she needed and keep her out of nursing homes. I wasn't planning to do much with hospice, although I am seeking counseling on my own, which should begin in the next few weeks.

I happened to look up "grief" on the computer, and yours is the first website I found.