In Grief: When Healing Is Mistaken for Letting Go

I desire no future that will break the ties of the past.  ~ George Eliot

A reader writes: I have been told several times by people to "let go" of my ex who has died. I hate that.

I was told by a counselor once to "let him go," and this counselor (a spiritual counselor) said I was holding his spirit back by hanging on to my grief. I began to feel guilty, and decided I wouldn't think about him or talk aloud to him any more, if I was holding him back from moving on into heaven. That very night I had a dream. He and I were riding in a car with my sisters, and he had his arm around me. He turned to me and said very clearly, "We belong together. Why do you listen to others tell you things you know are not true?"

Finding Comfort, Connection and Hope in a Grief Support Group

A knowledge that another has felt as we have felt, and seen things not much otherwise than we have seen them, will continue to the end to be one of life’s choicest blessings.  ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

A reader writes: Today is exactly two months since my husband died. I have been crying since Sunday, after my son and his fiancé left. I can't seem to find any joy in anything. Two of our children are getting married, I have a new grandchild on the way, there is so much happy stuff going on, and I just want to cry. Maybe I’ve been trying to be brave. Nobody likes a downer, but damn it, I feel like a downer. I just saw an ad in the newspaper for a grief group that’s starting this month, and I really feel I need this. I have never been one to join a group, but this is more then I can deal with. Do these groups really help? There are six sessions, all dealing with different steps. Is it worth trying? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.

Walking the Path of Sibling Loss

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.  ~ Clara Ortega

A reader writes: My older brother and only sibling passed away suddenly at the age of 30. This is selfish, but what I hated most during the funeral and days to follow were people telling me to:

• Take care of my parents.
• Be there for my parents.
• Watch out for my parents.

It was weird; it was like my grief did not/does not exist. I hate the fact that sibling grief is something that is usually not acknowledged. I mean you can usually find more information on parents losing children or children losing parents or even when you lose a pet -- but hardly any information on the feelings of siblings losing siblings.

Healing Through Story: Helping Children Understand Loss

There is no substitute for books in the life of a child.  ~ Mary Ellen Chase

Helping children understand death—and the powerful emotions that accompany any disappointment or loss—is not easy, especially when other family members may be grieving as well. When adults are struggling with major life events such as divorce, serious illness, an accident, fire, natural disaster, a crisis in the world, or the death of someone close, children can feel lost, frightened, and confused. In such circumstances, they need stable and consistent attention from their caregivers, accurate and factual information, and the freedom to ask questions and express their feelings. Like the adults around them, they need time to explore and come to terms with the meaning of their loss.

In Grief: Rituals of Remembrance for Special Days

Simply touching a difficult memory with some slight willingness to heal begins to soften the holding and tension around it.  ~ Stephen Levine

We’ve barely caught our breath after enduring the holidays of November, December, and January, and now the stores are bursting with hearts, flowers, and candy—celebrating once again the gift of love.

But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving. For some, it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us, there is no celebration; there is only the grief that stems from absence and the pain of loss. Sometimes, out of fear of “letting go,” we may find ourselves holding on to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Yet letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, nor does it mean forgetting the people who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on—taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

Resources for Supporting Others Through Anticipatory Grief

 Saying that I was experiencing “anticipatory grief” would not have come close to capturing all the nuances and struggles, unique for me, as it is for everyone. ~ Donna S. Davenport

A colleague writes: I have a request to consult tomorrow with counseling staff at a high school regarding a staff member just diagnosed with a stage four brain tumor. Looking through your rich web site I'm saying to myself, "Articles, and books and messages, oh, my." Can you help me go to materials on anticipatory grieving, or feeling our own mortality/vulnerability, or helping someone cope with a terminal illness?? You may be able to help me sort through so I can go straight to the meat this busy day before I must show up ready to help! Many thanks if you can help at this last moment.

When a Teen Driver Carries the Weight of Guilt After a Fatal Accident

God teach us by Moments, we only know it as Accidents  ~ Dyota Narotama

A reader writes: Two weeks ago my nephew was involved in a terrible auto accident. He was driving at night during a heavy thunderstorm when one of his rear tires blew out. He lost control of his car, skidded off the highway and ended up hitting a tree. His girlfriend was in the passenger seat and did not survive the accident. My nephew is only 17 years old and is not handling this well at all. I am worried about him and don’t know what I can do to help. 

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic auto accident that took the life of your nephew’s girlfriend. I can only imagine how devastating this has been for you, your nephew, and both families. Auto crashes are among the most sudden and unanticipated of deaths, and that alone can make grieving especially complicated.

It’s very likely that your nephew believes, deep down, that he was somehow responsible for his girlfriend’s death—even though the accident was unintentional.

After a Child’s Murder: What Parents Need to Know About Guilt, Grief, and Survival

When working with families and friends of people who have been murdered I find that the operative verb is never died but was killed . . . Being killed is seen as different from dying; it's unnatural, a form of theft, an act of taking something from you and your loved ones. What is taken is a person's life and all of its promise for future joy and happiness, companionship, and accomplishment. It is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer.  ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.

Mixing Grief, Medication, and Alcohol: A Dangerous Combination

Heavy use of drugs or alcohol can intensify the experience of grief and depression and impair the bereavement process. ~ J. William Worden

A reader writes: I wonder if I might turn out to become one of those complicated grief people. I have all the risk factors. I'm not usually a drinker or a drug taker -- I've been regularly using alcohol and Serax (oxazepam) since my husband died. The same thing happened after we got his diagnosis a year ago, but when we received some positive news that they might be able to beat the cancer or at least control it - I was able to cut out the oxazepam and reduce drinking to a glass of wine a day. Then he suddenly died - and we were completely unprepared. Even the doctors were surprised.

In Grief: Coping with Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.  ~ C.H. Spurgeon

A reader writes: I am trying to figure out if what I am going through is normal. I am thinking that it is probably some kind of panic or anxiety attack. It started when I had something upsetting happen totally unrelated to the death of my friend. Everything went okay with that situation but things seemed to get worse as the evening went on. Yesterday it was like I had tunnel vision all day. I felt shaky and detached. I have been restless, anxious, and feeling like I am sleep deprived when I have actually been sleeping.