Surviving A Spouse's Suicide: Coping with Guilt, Grief, and Blame

There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved.   ~ Arnold Toynbee

A reader writes: I lost my husband to suicide last year and I am trying to cope. I am trying to move on, but I cannot do this alone anymore. I feel responsible, because he asked me to say something I could not say, and subsequently hanged himself. I feel so much remorse, guilt, pain, and it won't stop. I continually have thoughts to go to him. I am losing it by the day and don't understand what's happening to me. I need contact of some kind to know he is okay and does not blame me. I know we are all responsible for our own choices, but "yes" instead "no" would have made the difference in whether he was living today. I know this to be true. I don't know where to turn and am hoping you can save my life.

In Grief: Rituals of Remembrance for Special Days

Simply touching a difficult memory with some slight willingness to heal begins to soften the holding and tension around it.  ~ Stephen Levine

We’ve barely caught our breath after enduring the holidays of November, December, and January, and now the stores are bursting with hearts, flowers, and candy—celebrating once again the gift of love.

But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving. For some, it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us, there is no celebration; there is only the grief that stems from absence and the pain of loss. Sometimes, out of fear of “letting go,” we may find ourselves holding on to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Yet letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, nor does it mean forgetting the people who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on—taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

Grief Rituals Can Help on Special Days

We’ve barely caught our breath after enduring the holidays of November, December, and January, and now the stores are bursting with hearts, flowers, and candy—celebrating once again the gift of love.

But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving. For some, it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us, there is no celebration; there is only the grief that stems from absence and the pain of loss.  Read on here >>>

In Grief: Coping with The Anniversary of A Loved One's Death

I have found in the years that have passed that I am most vulnerable at times of remembrance . . . If I get caught up in it, I quickly get pulled under and wind up gasping for breath. ~ Bill Jenkins

A reader writes: I am just 10 days away from the one year mark of my wife’s death, and the last few days have been horrible. I have that all-too-familiar feeling of dread in the pit in my stomach and I have a hard time concentrating on anything. I don’t know how to explain my mood to my seven-year-old son. All I would love to do is to go to sleep for those 10 days and wake up afterwards. I know that in this journey I am going to take some steps backwards and believe me the backwards steps are not as severe as in the beginning, but I just can’t stand feeling this way.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 14- July 20, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief-Sensitive School Initiative, http://j.mp/2O4OIN7 « New York Life Insurance Company

6 Ways to Support a Grieving Teen, http://j.mp/32yWsKu « Modern Loss

Traveling with Grief, http://j.mp/2O2iNwO « The Artful Caregiver

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 26 - August 1, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Healing Takes A Lifetime, http://j.mp/1DgR5B8 « The Grief Toolbox

Beautiful: She became a hospice nurse because of this story, http://j.mp/1KFhxnR « Kevin MD

Observing A Deceased Loved One's Birthday, http://j.mp/1I64F9c « What's Your Grief?

Voices of Experience: The Ring

Source

By Harry Proudfoot

Take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity ~ Traditional Wedding Rite

I walked off a cliff yesterday afternoon--and I didn't fall.

Jane didn't want to be buried with her wedding or engagement rings. She insisted I take them off when she died. And I did that. I told her that when she died, I would move my own wedding ring from my left hand to my right after I took her wedding ring off her finger. I didn't do that--until yesterday, the 52 month anniversary of her death.

Voices of Experience: Healing Rituals Help A Grieving Family

Photo by Elaine Mansfield

Rituals do not always involve words, occasions, officials, or an audience. Rituals are often silent, solitary, and self-contained. The most powerful rites of passage are reflective--when you look back on your life again and again, paying attention to the rivers you have crossed and the gates you have opened and walked on through, the thresholds you have passed over. I see ritual when people sit together silently by an open fire. Remembering. As human beings have remembered for thousands and thousands of years.  ~ Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Daily Lives

For 25 years, Elaine Mansfield has taught and written extensively about nutrition, exercise and women's health. Since her husband’s death in 2008, her work and writing have focused on end-of-life and bereavement issues. She also facilitates bereavement support groups for people who have lost spouses or partners and writes for the Hospicare newsletter and website. Elaine is a strong believer in the healing power of ritual, as evidenced in her popular TEDx talk “Good Grief! What I Learned from Loss” and in the piece she shares with us below. Many of the rituals she mentions here are described in detail in her beautiful personal memoir, Leaning into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief.

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 14 - December 20, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

On stillbirth: Beyond Closure with Nancy Berns at TEDxDesMoines, http://j.mp/1zhyEZO  « YouTube

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song, http://j.mp/Y5m9J4 « Grief Healing Blog

In Grief: Responding to "How Are You?" http://j.mp/HlUWks « Grief Healing Blog

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 5 - October 11, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

In Grief: Dreading The Anniversary Date of A Loved One's Death, http://j.mp/1pVEyuE « Grief Healing Blog

After-Death Communication: A List of Resources, http://j.mp/fiWZXV « Grief Healing Blog

A Poet On Losing HIs Son: Edward Hirsch, Author Of Gabriel: A Poem, http://j.mp/1slppmS « NPR

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 8 - June 14, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Supporting Kids Who Can't Remember Their Dads This Father's Day http://j.mp/1y1Y0bu « What's Your Grief ?

Grief, Mindfulness and Alcohol, http://j.mp/18FKP3i « What's Your Grief ?

After Death Communication: Uncovering The Richer Connections in Our Signs, http://j.mp/1kwpGv0 « The Grief Toolbox

In Grief: Dreading The Anniversary Date of A Loved One's Death

Find an updated version of this post here: 

In Grief: Coping with The Anniversary of A Loved One's Death

A reader writes: I am just 10 days away from the one year mark of my wife’s death, and the last few days have been horrible. I have that all-too-familiar feeling of dread in the pit in my stomach and I have a hard time concentrating on anything. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 6 - April 12, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Walking With Those Who Grieve, http://j.mp/1gTNrvd « Personal Growth and Grief Support Center

The Media Overload Detox Diet, http://j.mp/Qduj5B « What's Your Grief?

Lessons learned from loss of a parent: My Graduate, http://j.mp/OPPCsL « Widow's Voice

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 23 - March 29, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Kay Warren: A Year of Grieving Dangerously, http://j.mp/1jgoE9E «  Christianity Today

Useful guide! Important contacts after your partner’s death, http://j.mp/P9aID1 « Lost My Partner Blog

Helpful new grief website launched, http://j.mp/1dvs7kD « Personal Growth and Grief Support Center

Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

A reader writes: I lost my husband to suicide last year and I am trying to cope. I am trying to move on, but I cannot do this alone anymore. I feel responsible, because he asked me to say something I could not say, and subsequently hanged himself. I feel so much remorse, guilt, pain, and it won't stop. I continually have thoughts to go to him. I am losing it by the day and don't understand what's happening to me. I need contact of some kind to know he is okay and does not blame me. I know we are all responsible for our own choices, but "yes" instead "no" would have made the difference in whether he was living today. I know this to be true. I don't know where to turn and am hoping you can save my life.  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 27 - November 2, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Bouncing with Style: What does Grief Look Like? http://j.mp/1gjge0M « Sandra Beck

Yes. Faith, http://j.mp/1aRPrVj « Widow's Voice

So touching: Widow's Voice: In Between, http://j.mp/19jGmo1 « Widow's Voice

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 14 - July 20, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Beautiful video, "The Coffinmaker" Crafting a Final Resting Place, http://bit.ly/12VolFd « On Being with Krista Tippett

Grieving the Loss of a Loved One: Beautiful Music to Comfort During Grief, http://j.mp/12PfVnB « Candle in the Window

Welcome to Hospice of the Valley’s Online Grief Discussion Forums, http://j.mp/18sQFb2 « Hospice of the Valley

Rando's Six R Processes of Mourning explained, http://j.mp/18oKe5t « What's Your Grief?

Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief,  http://j.mp/K58AGL « Grief Healing Blog

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 17 - February 23, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

When the Loved One You Cared For Dies, What Comes Next? http://ow.ly/hYBqH via @NextAvenue

Being Stoic for Spouse's Sake Comes at High Cost, http://j.mp/YIuyE2 via @HotWidow

Study finds being stoic after child loss not good for marriage, http://ow.ly/hXcZC via @routledgemh

Don't turn the experience of grief into the mental disorder of depression, http://j.mp/XKI2Qk via @AllenFrancesMD

Child Loss: Grief Makes You a Liar and I've been lying to everyone in my life, http://j.mp/159b53k

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 3 - February 9, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Mom reflects on Miscarriage "It's a grief that never leaves you," http://ow.ly/hrUUM via @VillageMemorial

On Grief and Marriage: Lessons From Downton Abbey, http://j.mp/WN8Yj7 by Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, LICSW

Inspiring: Another Anniversary, http://j.mp/VNNZLL « Widow's Voice

Grief and Mindfulness: Spending Time in the Present, http://j.mp/ULcV9J by @WhatsYourGrief

Excellent! How To Talk With Someone Who Is Grieving, http://j.mp/YP8xI1

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 6 - January 12, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Do Men and Women Grieve Differently? Not Always, http://j.mp/VWnNwe  The Grief Toolbox

New comments on: Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief, http://j.mp/K58AGL

10 Tips to Help You Deal With Family Drama,  http://j.mp/UDiNMB « Caring.com

Outstanding! Nancy Berns on the illusion of closure in grief, http://j.mp/UCXo6b « TEDxWomen

How Long Should You Grieve Your Friend? http://j.mp/U1kaq0 « FriendGrief