You Can’t Take Away Their Grief, But You Can Be There

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone who is mourning, you are wise to learn more about the grief experience and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that someone who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to reflect on your own experiences of death and grief. Recall who died, what was helpful and unhelpful to you, and how you felt during that time.

If any of the suggestions offered here don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem appropriate for you or the person you want to help, simply set them aside and consider the others.

As soon as you learn that a death has occurred, there are several things you can do right away:

Supporting a Grieving Partner While Mourning Your Own Loss

If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.  ~ Peter Hoeg

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves. 

Resources for Supporting Others Through Anticipatory Grief

 Saying that I was experiencing “anticipatory grief” would not have come close to capturing all the nuances and struggles, unique for me, as it is for everyone. ~ Donna S. Davenport

A colleague writes: I have a request to consult tomorrow with counseling staff at a high school regarding a staff member just diagnosed with a stage four brain tumor. Looking through your rich web site I'm saying to myself, "Articles, and books and messages, oh, my." Can you help me go to materials on anticipatory grieving, or feeling our own mortality/vulnerability, or helping someone cope with a terminal illness?? You may be able to help me sort through so I can go straight to the meat this busy day before I must show up ready to help! Many thanks if you can help at this last moment.

In Grief: When Partners Are Mourning Separate Losses

If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.  ~ Peter Hoeg

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 10 - November 23, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Grieving adults must take care of themselves first so they can take care of their kids. Model healthy grief for children by letting them know that sadness and anger are OK. Remember that everyone grieves differently and help children figure out what works for them. Find a place for joy as well as sorrow in daily life. Helping Your Kids When You're Grieving Yourself « Psychology Today

When A Grieving Friend Refuses Offers of Support

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood.  ~ Seneca

A reader writes: I am hoping you can advise me what to do. I have a very dear and close friend whose brother died of suicide a month ago. This was his only sibling. He had to go identify the body and had to come home to a hysterical wife and barely functioning parents. As far as I know he has cried very little if at all. He and I haven't been able to discuss anything at all. My husband and I did everything we could to help the family with things. The problem is now though he will not call anymore and he has pulled away emotionally. He is saying things to me that I would say are hurtful. I have been trying to keep in touch with him, but now he says we are not compatible. I really want to help him through this very tough time. Do I step back and give him space or what do I do??? I am hoping you can give me some guidance. Thank you.

In Grief: When A Friend Refuses Support

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood.  ~ Seneca

A reader writes: I am hoping you can advise me what to do. I have a very dear and close friend whose brother died of suicide a month ago. This was his only sibling. He had to go identify the body and had to come home to a hysterical wife and barely functioning parents. As far as I know he has cried very little if at all. He and I haven't been able to discuss anything at all. My husband and I did everything we could to help the family with things. The problem is now though he will not call anymore and he has pulled away emotionally. He is saying things to me that I would say are hurtful. I have been trying to keep in touch with him, but now he says we are not compatible. I really want to help him through this very tough time. Do I step back and give him space or what do I do??? I am hoping you can give me some guidance. Thank you.

My Wish for You This Christmas

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. ~ Hamilton Wright Mabie

Every time a hand 
reaches out
to help another ~
that is Christmas.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 3 - September 16, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

When a loved one dies, “things” are no longer “just things.” In everyday life, the shoes someone leaves in the middle of the room can be an ongoing nuisance. But when the person who wore them dies, those shoes left behind can become sacred. The act of moving them represents a new challenge. Picking them up acknowledges the reality that they will not be left there again.  Why You Should Resist Taking Care of "Things" for those Grieving « Nancy Berns

In Grief: Supporting Someone Soon After A Death

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone in mourning, you are wise to do some reading about the grief experience, and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that the person who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to review your own personal experiences of death and grief, recalling who died, what was helpful and not helpful to you, and how you felt about it.

If any of the ideas suggested here don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem to suit you or the person(s) you’re wanting to help, then simply ignore them and go on to others.

As soon as you learn that a death has happened, there are several things that you can do right away.  Read on here >>>

In Grief: Sharing Sadness with A Child

It [is]our job to walk them through understanding their pain but also to be honest with them about our own.  ~ K.C. Freeman Ray

A reader writes: I recently lost my dad really suddenly, and he was only 50 and very healthy. I just wanted to talk about this because it seems there's nobody to tell. Nursing my younger brother today because he's not well. I got just an overwhelming sadness and couldn't stop crying and its weird how it doesn't even cross his mind why I might be upset because he's young? I dunno I don't get it surely even if he's a child he misses my dad too? Anyway I had to pretend I was crying because I felt ill and he was like "I never cry when I'm ill" haha.

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 21 - May 27, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Children process grief differently from adults. The grief and sacrifice of a child who loses a parent in military combat are ongoing. Children can process the death of a soldier parent, but the realness and permanence may be hard to accept. Memorial Day: A Hidden Audience in Grief « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 26 - March 4, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The first step in offering support is to acknowledge that this is their loss, too.“Support doesn’t have to look different for either partner. It just needs to be actively demonstrated,” said Jacqueline Fernando, a California therapist who specializes in infertility and pregnancy loss counseling. How To Support The Non-Pregnant Partner After A Miscarriage « Huff Post

Mother's Death Threatens Couple's Love Relationship

[Reviewed and updated April 19, 2025]

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.  ~ Unknown

A reader writes: I've been with my fiance for almost two years. His mother passed away unexpectedly nine months ago, and he was the one to find her. I understand this is a significant emotional struggle for anyone. I've tried to be there for him as much as possible, but any time he loses his temper, it's usually taken out on me.

Teen Grief: Worried About My Daughter

[Reviewed and updated November 12, 2024]

Avoidance has never been a great tactic in solving any problem. For most situations in life, not addressing what's going on only makes matters worse.  ~ Luvvie Ajayi

A reader writes: My daughter is 16. Her brother was 17 when he was killed three months ago. As we live where there is no other family she had to be the second one to identify his body. She won't talk. It's like he never existed. I have tried getting her to counseling but she isn't interested. The counselor told me to just be here for her when she needs me and that she is taking her cues from me. But I am really worried that if she bottles this up it will compound later on. I'm not so sure I am right. Can you shed some light please?

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 11 - December 24, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

May the spirit and beauty of the season shine in your heart and remain with you throughout the New Year. Once Again It's Christmas « Grief Healing

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 13 - February 19, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The grief of chronic illness extends beyond grief over the loss of our health. We mourn the loss of our place in the world. 4 Losses We Mourn With Chronic Illness « MSN

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, October 31 - November 6, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

“But for a small but significant group of people, grief doesn’t resolve. It is ongoing, pervasive, intense and debilitating,” said Katherine Shear, professor of psychiatry at the School of Social Work and founding director of the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University. “This is what we call prolonged grief disorder.”  Prolonged grief disorder is now in the DSM. Here’s what you need to know. « The Washington Post

Understanding and Managing Grief and Pet Loss, October 24 - October 30, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

When COVID-19 began to spread throughout the U.S., our team felt a strong call of action in response to the overwhelming mental health crisis we saw unfolding before us. We began to explore online resources that could help bereaved people address their grief, manage their painful emotions, build resilience, and improve their mental health and well-being. COVID-Internet Resource Guide « Stony Brook University (pdf) 

On The Anniversary of A Parent’s Death: What Words Help?

[Reviewed and updated July 23, 2024]

The word 'anniversary' takes on a whole new meaning for widow/ers, or for any griever. An anniversary date is any meaningful date to you and your loved one. The hardest anniversary date usually is the one that commemorates the day of the death.  ~ Ellen Gerst

A reader writes: I have read several of your posts. I am familiar with your wisdom and advice. I just wanted to ask, Marty .... what would you have wanted to hear from friends close to you --on the first anniversary of the day a parent has passed? What words are there to formulate at such a sad day -- which also offers an ear of support? Would it be a heartbreaking reminder of his loss, or rather an appreciated thought -- if I chose to send a sympathy card?