A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves.
Although they have dealt with passings a few times before, they are really upset. I also know that every passing is different and the feelings are different too. I am at a loss on how to handle this and how to help. I hate to see people hurting and in pain, but I am also in pain and very confused on how to handle it. On where and what to do. I am not in the family, only on the sidelines.
I had a bad experience with hospice with my mother, so now with this hospice in my own mind I am questioning their motives and everything they do. I keep it to myself, as I would never hurt the family with my feelings. I guess my question to you is how do I handle all of this, and where is my spot so I do not over-step my boundaries? I will be there for them all the way, but what if I have a moment because my own grief is so fresh? Am I being selfish for even thinking that I have my mom in my head also? I went to the hospice house last night and kept myself together until I was alone in my van and they could not see me. I went home and my partner came over and we ate dinner. When he went in my room and went to bed I went out on the couch, watched TV and feel asleep. We did not really speak but that is ok as we both were tired and stressed and drained.
I am at a loss for words again. I had just started to find myself remembering my mom in ways other than when she was in the hospital until she left me. I am now right back to thinking again about how she passed. I feel so alone with nobody to turn to. I keep everything bottled up inside and I feel as if any time now I am going to burst and that will be it. I have tried talking to a pro but it did nothing for me at all. It made me so much madder I was seeing red. I was made to feel as if I was an inconvenience.
My response: I'm so sorry you're having to go through this experience all over again, especially so soon after the difficult and traumatic time you endured with your own mother's hospice care.
I think the best thing you can do right now is simply be there for your partner and his family in whatever way feels right—and manageable—for you.
What does that mean? It means you don't have to do anything extraordinary. Your presence, when you are able to offer it, is enough. Think back to when your own mother was dying. What did others say or do that brought you comfort? Often, it wasn't the perfect words that mattered most—it was simply knowing someone cared enough to be present.
You might say to your partner, "Would you like me to go with you to visit your dad?"
Of course, don't offer to accompany him if doing so would be more than you can handle right now. Instead, you could say something like this:
"I want to be here for you during this sad and difficult time, but my own recent experience with my mother's hospice care has left me with some painful memories. Being in a hospice again is bringing all of that back, and I'm finding it harder than I expected. It has nothing to do with you, your father, or your family. I hope you can understand."
The same is true if you're concerned about attending the funeral when your partner's father dies.
If you think you can manage it, by all means give it a try. Consider sitting near the back so you can quietly step outside if you become overwhelmed. Let your partner know your plan ahead of time, and reassure him that if you need to leave, it isn't because you don't care. If possible, drive your own car so you're free to leave whenever you need to.
On the other hand, if attending the funeral feels like more than you can bear right now, it's okay to decide not to go. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Your grief is still very fresh, and you cannot simply will yourself to feel differently. The healthiest thing you can do is pay attention to what you're feeling, understand why those feelings are surfacing, and make the choices that best protect your emotional well-being.
Please don't think you're selfish because your mother's death is on your mind while someone else is dying. That's not selfishness—that's grief. Watching another family face a death naturally reawakens your own painful memories. It's a very common experience, especially when your loss is only a few months old.
If your partner is open to talking, I encourage you to have an honest conversation with him about what you're experiencing. If it helps, print out this response and share it with him. Sometimes it's easier to begin the conversation when the words come from someone else.
Finally, you mentioned that counseling left you feeling dismissed and even angry. I'm so sorry that happened. One disappointing experience doesn't necessarily mean that all grief counselors will respond that way, but I understand why it would make you hesitant to try again. For now, be gentle with yourself. You are carrying not only your own grief but also the pain of someone you love.
If you're looking for practical ways to support your partner and his family during this time, I can recommend a number of articles, books, and other resources on helping someone who is grieving. One good place to begin is my article, Helping Another in Grief: Suggested Resources.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
Related:
- Coping With The Death of A Parent: Dealing with Loss
- In Grief: "Being There" for Someone in Mourning
- In Grief: Supporting A Partner in Mourning
- In Grief: Supporting Someone Soon After A Death
- Mother's Death Threatens Couple's Love Relationship
- When Hospice Care Fails to Meet Caregiver's Expectations
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