Accepting help is its own kind of strength. ~ Kiera Cass
A reader writes: My wife passed away in hospice five weeks ago. Since then, I've gone home and had very little support from outside sources, partly by choice. I've done almost everything alone. The hospice staff have called and sent literature, but I just couldn't accept my wife's death enough to respond.I was her caregiver and, basically, her nurse for years, with very little outside help. It was all left up to us. I know she would have died much sooner if we hadn't fought so hard to get her the treatment she needed and keep her out of nursing homes. I wasn't planning to do much with hospice, although I am seeking counseling on my own, which should begin in the next few weeks.
I happened to look up "grief" on the computer, and yours is the first website I found.
I'm still filled with grief. There are so many unresolved issues surrounding my wife. We were deeply in love and spent every possible minute together. I was with her, holding her in my arms, when she took her last breath.
This is the first time I've reached out to anyone one-on-one. I need coping skills. Can you help me?
My response: I am so very sorry for the death of your beloved wife, and I can only imagine how empty and lonely life must seem without her physical presence beside you. Please accept my deepest condolences, and know that you are in my thoughts.
Since your loss occurred only five weeks ago, it is not surprising that you are still overwhelmed with grief and searching for ways to cope. At this very early stage of bereavement, I would expect that some days it may be difficult even to get out of bed. Grief can drain every ounce of energy from you and leave you feeling emotionally exhausted. It can also make you feel isolated and very much alone.
From what you've shared, I sense that you've become accustomed to relying on yourself. Whether by necessity or circumstance, you've carried an enormous burden for many years as your wife's caregiver and advocate. That strength will serve you well as you navigate this painful chapter of your life.
At the same time, I want to encourage you to become aware of—and make use of—the many grief resources available to you. Because your wife was under hospice care, their bereavement services are available to you at no cost. These services often include educational materials, newsletters, telephone support, grief support groups, and individual counseling.
As you've already discovered, there are also many excellent grief resources online. I hope you'll spend some time exploring the information available here and on my Grief Healing website. You may also find comfort in reading articles, books, and other materials about grief and bereavement. Learning about the grieving process can help you understand what to expect in the weeks and months ahead. It can reassure you that what you're experiencing is normal and remind you that although countless others have endured devastating losses, they have found ways to survive—and, in time, so will you.
I don't know what support you have from family, friends, neighbors, or coworkers, but one unfortunate reality is that others are often finished listening long before we are finished talking about our loss. That is one reason grief support groups can be so valuable, whether in person or online. There, you can connect with others who truly understand what it means to lose someone you love. An online group offers the advantage of participating from the comfort and privacy of your own home and communicating at whatever pace feels right for you.
Grieving is hard work, but I want you to know that you do not have to carry this burden entirely by yourself. You've already taken an important first step by reaching out to me, and I hope you will continue reaching out to others. No one can take away the pain of losing your wife, but there are people who can walk beside you as you learn to carry it.
You are not alone, and you are not lost. You are responding in a normal way to the death of the person you loved most in this world. What you are experiencing is the raw, painful reality of grief. This is what grief feels like. It is the hardest work most of us will ever do. Please don't try to do it all by yourself.
Afterword: I want to say thank you for responding to my e-mail. You are so right about people not wanting to listen. My family were kinda supportive to a degree and then they just shied away, all from afar anyway of course. I have never by choice been a loner or independent, but, my wife and I made a wonderful team, and as she started to get sick all of our family and friends just distanced themselves or went away. So it became just her and I. She started to get sick 7 years ago, we fought the illness, the doctors, the nursing homes, and the struggle to just be able to keep our home and food. Now it's just me and yes I'm very lonely. I'm a very loyal person and to be alone is just unbearable and I am having trouble doing simple things. I always had her to turn to, to help me through anything, I feel just like half of my person is missing. Still, I would like to think you're right about getting through this, and if someone from hospice wants to call me it's ok.
My response: Thank you for writing back and sharing more of your story. You are right—I was mistaken in assuming that your solitude was by choice. It sounds as though circumstances gradually narrowed your world until it became just you and your wife, facing one challenge after another together. For seven years, the two of you fought not only her illness, but also doctors, institutions, financial hardships, and the daily struggle to preserve your life together. In many ways, the two of you became a team against the world.
When a marriage is that close, the death of a spouse can feel as if part of your very identity has been torn away. When you say that you feel as though half of you is missing, I suspect many widowed people would recognize exactly what you mean. The loneliness that follows such a loss can be almost unbearable. Please be patient and gentle with yourself. The difficulty you're having with everyday tasks is not a sign of weakness. It is a reflection of the profound shock and upheaval that follows the loss of a life partner. Five weeks is such a very short time in grief.
I'm encouraged to learn that you are willing to begin counseling and that you would welcome contact from hospice. Both can provide much-needed support at a time when you are carrying such a heavy burden. You have spent years caring for someone else. Now it is important that you allow others to care for you as well.
I still believe that you will get through this, not because it will be easy, but because human beings are far stronger than they realize. For now, don't focus on the rest of your life. Just focus on getting through today. Then tomorrow, do the same. One day at a time is enough.
And whenever the loneliness feels overwhelming, please remember that there are people who understand, who care, and who are willing to listen.
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