A reader writes: I recently lost my father, and I am unable to handle my loss. I don't know why, but I want to dig him up and bring him back to life. I am so sad and lonely without my father, and I have never experienced anything like this before. I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not, but I do know that I need help. I do have people around me who love me and are there for me, but it just isn't enough. Can you please write me back with any advice as soon as possible?
My response: I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your father, and I am sending you my deepest sympathy. You say you don't know whether your reaction is normal. It may comfort you to know that everyone's grief is different and unique, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is only your way, and you must discover that for yourself.
The reason you've never felt this way before is because you've never lost your father before. Few of us are prepared to face the excruciating pain that follows the death of someone we love. We think we cannot bear it, that feeling such sorrow must be abnormal, as if we're going crazy. We think something is wrong with us, or that our feelings are somehow unnatural. But grief is not a pathological condition. It is a normal and deeply personal reaction to losing someone you love.
You don't say how old you are, so I'm not quite sure which resources would be most appropriate and helpful for you, but I will offer what I can.
I don't know how you found me, but if you haven't visited my Grief Healing website, I'd like to invite you to do so now. It contains a wealth of information about grief—what is normal, what to expect, and what you can do to manage your reactions—all of which can be very helpful and reassuring, especially if you've had little prior experience with death.
On my blog's Articles page, you'll find links to many articles I've written on various aspects of grief, and my Grief Bibliography page lists dozens of books I've read and personally recommend. Sometimes reading the experiences of others who are grieving reassures us that if others can survive devastating losses, somehow we will find a way to survive as well.
My site also contains beautiful pieces written by others (see Comfort for Grieving Hearts and Voices of Experience), along with links to many additional sources of information. If you are a teen, be sure to visit the Children, Teens and Grief section.
It is my sincere hope that this information proves helpful to you, my friend. I know that losing your father is painful beyond words, and I cannot take that pain away. I can assure you, however, that you do not have to bear it all by yourself. There is reliable information, comfort, and support available to you. I hope you will seek it out and think of doing so as a gift you can give yourself.
Afterword: You asked how old I am. I didn't think it mattered, but I am 35. My dad was not perfect. We had only recently begun talking again when this happened. I just don't know what else to do. The pain isn't as bad as it was two weeks ago, but I miss him so much. What can you do to help me?
My response: Your age mattered to me only because I didn't know whether you were an adolescent or an adult. Had you been a teenager, I would have referred you to different resources.
The fact that your pain "is not as bad as it was two weeks ago" is actually a positive sign. It suggests that, however slowly, you are beginning to move forward in your mourning process. (See my article, Recognizing Your Own Progress Through Grief.)
You ask what I can do to help you, but there is nothing I can do to help you out of this process, because your only way out is through. There is no magic formula, no shortcut, and no easy escape. Grief is like a long, winding tunnel whose entrance closes behind you. The only way out is to keep moving through it. As I said in my earlier message, this is your grief journey, and you must discover for yourself what works best for you.
That does not mean you should simply stand by and do nothing. You may have heard the saying, "Time heals all wounds," but that is misleading. Time itself does nothing; it is neutral. What matters is what we do with the time we are given.
To make grief a healing process, you must engage with it actively. That means facing it thoughtfully and working with it deliberately. Healthy grieving involves honestly confronting the reality of your loss, coming to terms with its impact on your life, learning to access available sources of support, finding meaning in what has happened, and continuing to live productively in the years ahead.
There is plenty that you can do to help yourself through this grief, my friend. That is why I directed you to the resources mentioned in my previous message. Have you explored any of them? Have you looked into bereavement support services available in your community?
Every loss challenges us to grow. But growth requires change, and change is often painful. When a loved one dies, everything changes—including us. Nothing will ever be exactly the same again, and at times it may feel as though you've lost control of everything.
Yet you still have choices. You can decide how you will respond to your father's death and how you will allow it to shape your life. You can hold on to your cherished memories of the past while still nurturing your hopes for the future. And you can choose not to give up on yourself or on the life that remains before you.
In time, you will discover that while your father's death has changed you forever, it does not have to define or diminish the rest of your life.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Signup here.
Related:
- Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief
- Coping with The Loss of A Parent--How to Deal with Grief
- Confronting The Lessons of Grief
- Grief: Understanding The Process
- In Grief: Remembering Is An Active Process
- Parent Loss: Keeping Memories Alive
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
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