Holding Space for a Child's Grief after Pet Loss

The moment I decided to follow instead of lead, I discovered the joys of becoming a part of a small child's world.  ~ Janet Gonzalez-Mena

A reader writes: I wrote to you earlier about the death of our dog—our wonderful and loving companion of 15 years—as we were planning a memorial service when we buried her remains in our yard. You were kind enough to refer us to your Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, and I thank you so much for your words of comfort. I also took the time to read the articles you suggested, which soothed my sad and heavy heart.

I wrote to you again when I needed to tell my five-year-old granddaughter what happened to Samantha. She knew our dog was old and tired, but she wasn’t there when Samantha was euthanized.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 11 - August 24, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed:   

Since he began specializing in grief counseling after becoming a licensed Mental Health Counselor in 2012, Todd Schmenk said the most meaningful response he has ever gotten from a client is for them to cry. “They just cried and then looked at me afterward and said, thanks for showing up,” Schmenk said. When it comes to helping others through grief, especially after losing a loved one, Schmenk said one simply needs to stop trying to fix the other person’s pain. The Key to Grief Is to Feel It « The Valley Breeze

Coping with Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

[Reviewed and updated August 13, 2024]

He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.  ~ Michel de Montaigne

A reader writes: I' m trying to deal with accepting the death of my father 6 months ago. I'm having panic attacks and I'm scared that they may start to develop into other fears.

I watched my father take his last breath and was there everyday as he slowly got worse. I want to remember him and not be afraid to think of him as it may provoke another attack.

In Grief: Sharing Sadness with A Child

It [is]our job to walk them through understanding their pain but also to be honest with them about our own.  ~ K.C. Freeman Ray

A reader writes: I recently lost my dad really suddenly, and he was only 50 and very healthy. I just wanted to talk about this because it seems there's nobody to tell. Nursing my younger brother today because he's not well. I got just an overwhelming sadness and couldn't stop crying and its weird how it doesn't even cross his mind why I might be upset because he's young? I dunno I don't get it surely even if he's a child he misses my dad too? Anyway I had to pretend I was crying because I felt ill and he was like "I never cry when I'm ill" haha.

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 14 - May 20, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief can blindside us at otherwise ordinary moments. Grief is an invisible wound because all our pain is internal. Sharing these experiences can help educate others about grief. How Your Pain Helps Teach The World « Psychology Today

Caregiving & Grief Tweets, September 8 - September 14, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:
 
5 Myths about Grief You May Believe, https://j.mp/2NfrYJ3 « Psychology Today

The NIH just appointed a dentist and a biologist to lead the NINR (National Institute of Nursing Research). Non-nurses aren't qualified to evaluate grants for nursing research! Please join in asking the NIH to recall these two appointments and appoint nurses now, https://j.mp/2UQ6CDe « The Truth About Nursing

Chasing My Cure: A Doctor's Race to Turn Hope into Action: After nearly dying five times, a young doctor learned to treat himself, https://bit.ly/2UQLrko « STAT

Voices of Experience: Why Are We So Afraid to Cry?

By Sarah Neustadter, PhD

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.  ~ Christian Nevell Bovee

“They” say “the only way out is through.” And it’s fucking annoying and cliché. But it’s true. The grieving is a crazy journey. Madness. Insanity. Never-ending, in some ways. But it is also transformative, if you allow it and shape it. Your shell’s been cracked open and something new is emerging. If you go in there and live it, experience it like your life depends on it (and it does), I guarantee that when you pop out the other side of it, you will be different. You will feel things in new ways and experience life from a perspective you never thought possible. You might not want to hear it, you might not see it or believe it, and you certainly don’t want it, but I invite you to feel it as fully as you can. Your power is in there. Claim it. Get what’s yours.

Pet Loss, Grief & Caregiving Tweets, July 7 - July 13, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Crossing The Rainbow Bridge: Signs That The End Of Life Is Near, http://j.mp/32oDl64 « iHeartDogs.com

He Trots the Air, http://j.mp/2NYnNCy « Outside Online

In Grief: "I Didn't Want My Mom To See Me Cry," http://j.mp/2YFGgF9 « Grief Healing

In Grief: "I Didn't Want My Mom To See Me Cry"

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

[Reviewed and updated October 18, 2021]

Tears are words waiting to be written.  ~ Paulo Coelho

A reader writes:  My mom always told me I was overly sensitive. If someone in my family was ill, she wouldn't tell me because she knew it would make me cry. She hated to see me cry and always told me so. When my mom was in the hospital I did not want to upset her, so I would not let her see me cry. I held back my tears. I did not want her to know how scared I was because I did not want her to be more scared. I didn't even cry in front of her until the last day and she was already gone. Even when she was breathing on the machine, until her last breath, she didn't see me cry for her. I did not want to upset her. I did not want her to suffer ever. Mom always did the right thing. I wish I would have done a better job for her. Yes I did love on her and tell her how much we all loved her, just should have done everything different.

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 5 - May 11, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Forget the Flowers and Skip the Brunch. I Hate Mother’s Day. http://j.mp/2VrUfAF « Medium

Parents Who Lost A Child Need A Day Like Mother's And Father's Day, http://j.mp/2HnstvB « The Federalist

Writing a Book With My Mom Kept Her Memory Alive, http://j.mp/2Vjl4qO  « Modern Loss

Coping with Pet Loss, February 24 - March 2, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

New York Allows Pet Burials in Human Cemeteries, http://bit.ly/2NEVfKQ  « Seven Ponds Blog

Losing a Pet Can Be Just as Hard as Losing a Loved One, http://j.mp/2GS5Lxz  « PsychCentral

Pet Loss: Cannot Stop Crying, http://j.mp/2GwOudd « Grief Healing

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 17 - February 23, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The hierarchy of grief is real - and that's okay. Every grief is valid. http://j.mp/2GFhwHH « Refuge in Grief

Please Know: I Love Talking About My Child Who Died, http://j.mp/2GIaZMc  « Still Standing Magazine

“End Game” Nominated for an Academy Award, http://j.mp/2GBinJi « Seven Ponds Blog

Pet Loss: Cannot Stop Crying

[Reviewed and updated June 12, 2022]

Where he is really buried, and where he is, and where he always will be, is in my heart.  ~ Cleveland Amory, in The Best Cat Ever

A reader writes: I lost my kitty, Sunny today and my grief is overwhelming. I knew this was coming because she was diagnosed with a bad heart four months ago. She was only 5 years old. We (me and my daughter) did everything we could, lots of doctors, lots of meds and lots of tests. Each time she came home from the hospital, she had her quality of life back, if only for 2 to 3 weeks and then back to the doctor. This week she was at the hospital for 3 straight days with nothing helping and she became so ill and was so tired with the heart of hers. This morning it was determined that her kidneys and liver were affected and there was nothing they could do. And she was so tired. She passed away at 9:00 AM this morning and I cannot stop crying.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 3 - June 9, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Tell Me About Those Left Behind by Brandy Lidbeck, http://j.mp/2sHtLuv « The Gift of Second

To a deeply depressed mother, suicide isn't selfish: Kate Spade probably thought she was relieving her loved ones of a burden, http://j.mp/2sQYdSh « NY Daily News 

I’d love to say something enticing, like: do this 1 thing and you’ll see a 200% increase in your grieving friend’s satisfaction w your support skills! But that's odd. So – if you really want to support a grieving friend or family member, watch this tv clip, http://j.mp/2ggveVK « Refuge in Grief

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 22 - October 28, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Loss of a Spouse: 5 Things Only a Widow/er Understands,  http://j.mp/2yZ6SXr « The Grief Toolbox

Trust Me As I Grieve, http://j.mp/2yYFZTM « What's Your Grief ?

Lin Sue Cooney: Coping with grief during holidays, http://j.mp/2yTFOqE « AZ Central

Children and Pet Loss: Following Their Lead

The moment I decided to follow instead of lead, I discovered the joys of becoming a part of a small child's world.  ~ Janet Gonzalez-Mena

A reader writes: I wrote to you earlier about the death of our dog -- our wonderful and loving companion of 15 years -- as we needed some poetry and appropriate messages to read at the Memorial Service we were planning when we buried her remains in our yard. You were kind enough to refer us to your Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, and I thank you so much for your words of comfort. I also took the time to read the articles you suggested, which soothed my sad and heavy heart.

I wrote to you again when I needed to tell my 5-year-old granddaughter what happened to Samantha. She knew our dog was old and tired, but she wasn't around when Samantha was euthanized.

In Grief: Feeling Guilty for Feeling Happy

[Reviewed and updated September 23, 2024]

“And I can't be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.”  ~ J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

A reader writes: Six months ago whilst my world was going good for a change and I was expecting the birth of my beautiful baby girl, I got a phone call from the police in the middle of the night, informing me that my 19-year-old brother had taken his own life. This was two weeks before my due date. I was devastated and very confused whilst trying to figure out if I should be upset or happy that I was soon to be a mum. Being in such shock I was admitted into hospital so they could monitor my baby and give me something to help me sleep. Making things worse, his funeral was planned and took place on my due date. Knowing that I had to keep my baby safe, I spent the week keeping it together and trying not to get upset or cry. Although ten days overdue, my gorgeous little bundle arrived and I could not have been happier -- but I'm still riddled with guilt about being so happy at a time when I should have been in the pits of despair. At the same time, I have had to put on a brave face and smile even though most of the time I want to break down and cry. And I cannot let my baby see me sad because this is supposed to be a happy time.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 14 - February 20, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Oh For Goodness Sake – Stand At My Grave and Weep Already!  http://j.mp/24eplHA « Full Voice— Barbara McAfee

Valentine Grief - Healing Through A Gift of Love, http://j.mp/1WpSwli « Journey Through Loss

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense, http://j.mp/1PzkJEc « Grief Healing

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.

If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 30 - September 5, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Getting lost in grief, http://j.mp/1N9Bs0u « What to Say When Someone Dies

Wonderful! How to Write a Condolence Note, http://j.mp/1JFloPh « A Cup of Jo

Wisdom from bereaved mom Maria Kubitz: Forgiveness in Grief, http://j.mp/1N84Fc9 « Open to Hope

Mother Loss: When Can I Think of Her Without Crying?

[Reviewed and updated August 12, 2023]

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.  ~ Washington Irving

A reader writes: I just wish for the day when I can think of my mom without crying. Why does it seem to last for so long? It’s been five months since my mom passed and I still can’t think of her without bawling. I’ve been very depressed lately and some days are better than others, but it often feels as if I’m on a roller-coaster. I just want to keep it together for my daughter; I don’t like falling apart in front of her.