The Second Year of Grief: Why It Can Hurt Even More

Sometimes the first anniversary of his death is one of peace when we realize that we managed to survive the worst year of our life, but then we wake up to the second year and find a whole other set of challenges to meet.   — Pat Bertram

 A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days? For me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy, Marty? I have not dreamed of my beloved since he went to Heaven, except for a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him. No one will say his name, and I am trying desperately to understand all of this. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him, I did something wrong? I feel that way.

My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder, and she was so right. Am I the only person who feels this way?

Myths and Misconceptions about Grief

 . . . just as speech is invention about objects and ideas, so myth is invention about truth.  ~ Humphrey Carpenter

Loss is a fact of life, and so are the reactions that follow, but the grief that accompanies significant loss is frequently misunderstood.

Here are some of the more commonly held myths and misconceptions about grief, along with the facts to dispel them:

When someone dies, grief is felt only by that person’s family members and friends. In reality, grief is felt by anyone with an emotional attachment to the deceased, whether we know the person well or not. As we saw with the deaths of Charlie Kirk and Robert Redford, for example, we may mourn for public figures we like or respect and admire, even though we’ve never met them personally.

Grief is what we feel only when our loved one dies. Grief is a normal response to the experience of loss of any kind, including unusual and secondary losses. Such grief often goes unrecognized and unacknowledged. (Examples include disenfranchised losses such as loss of a cherished pet, and losses stemming from major life transitions such as graduation, moving, marriage or divorce, job loss, incarceration, disability or alteration in health status.)

In Grief: Being Angry with God

What fire does not destroy, it hardens.   ~ Oscar Wilde

A reader writes: Our daughter was only 41 years old when she died of heart failure a year ago, leaving her three sons behind. Just a little over one week ago, their home caught fire and burned to the ground, taking her dog with the fire. As we stood looking at the burned out shell of our daughter’s house, we were in shock.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 5 - November 11, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

I have lost many loved ones suddenly within the span of just a year—and this new period of my life has felt incredibly strange, confusing and chaotic. I’m used to seeing grief portrayed in movies, TV shows and even video games, but I never quite understood what it felt like to actually grieve. Nothing could have prepared me for the struggles I’ve had to face, especially as an already overwhelmed college student. A year later, though, I’ve decided to give myself the opportunity to finally talk about the realities of grief. If you’re struggling like me, then maybe you can find some comfort in my personal reflections. My journey through grief « The Case Western Reserve Observer

Grief In The Second Year: "Harder And More Painful Now"

A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days? For me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy Marty? I have not dreamed of my beloved since he went to Heaven, except a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him, no one will say his name and I am trying desperately to understand this all. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him that I did something wrong? I feel that way. My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder and she was so right, am I the only person that feels this way?  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 15 - January 21, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The truth is: We have very active imaginations. We actually CAN imagine what they're going through. We just don't want to. We recoil at the idea of envisioning ourselves in their shoes. So we tell them, and ourselves, that we can't imagine it, and it keeps the pain at a distance. Can You Imagine How a Grieving Person Feels? « Next Avenue

In Grief: Coping with Anger at God

Find an updated version of this post here:

In Grief: Being Angry with God

A reader writes: Our daughter was only 41 years old when she died of heart failure a year ago, leaving her three sons behind. Just a little over one week ago, their home caught fire and burned to the ground, taking her dog with the fire. As we stood looking at the burned out shell of our daughter’s house, we were in shock.

In Grief: Are You A Christian?

When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that is my religion.  ~ Abraham Lincoln

A reader writes: The poetry I read on your website's Comfort for Grieving Hearts page seemed to point people to God and Heaven. I was curious, are you a Christian, and do your books and writings dealing with coping, also point to God as our greatest source of comfort? We lost my dad earlier this year, and my brother-in-law last week. My family is definitely hurting, and just wanted to know a little bit more about you and your books -- if you don't mind to share?

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 21 - April 27, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Out of Grief Comes Faith, http://j.mp/2VnpsEs « The Grief Dialogues

Grief After Accidents, Suicide, and Other Sudden Losses, http://j.mp/2VuxStu « Crossroads

Why losing a dog can be harder than losing a relative or friend, http://j.mp/2KYWWEX « AfterTalk

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 31 - April 6, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Out of Grief Comes Spirit, http://j.mp/2OT5Gel « The Grief Dialogues

Did my child die because I lacked faith? http://j.mp/2ORwlYR « emotionally naked

3 Suicides Last Month Connected to School Shootings, http://j.mp/2OUdywg  « Seven Ponds Blog

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 10 - February 16, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

A Valentine Letter for YOU, http://j.mp/2GsVbwX « Second Firsts

Grief Support: Paying it Forward, http://j.mp/2IeRdd0 « Grief Compass

Over the Edge. Maybe, http://j.mp/2IdfvUO « Soaring Spirits International

Caregiving and Hospice, November 11 - November 17, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

How Does Educating People About the Dying Process Reduce Fear? http://j.mp/2K9DfWY
« Seven Ponds Blog

What Hospice Does and Doesn't Do, http://j.mp/2K7ra4O « Next Avenue

BIRTH BACKWARDS, A Daughter's Death, http://j.mp/2B606zO « BK Books

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 25 - March 31, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

My Easter Admission on Gratitude, Grief, and Ambivalence — and How Faith Factors in Consoling Friends, http://j.mp/2Gr9nag « What to Say When Someone Dies

Thanks For The Offer, But I Don't Know What I Need! http://j.mp/2GjaBnK « What's Your Grief?

How to Use Grief Dosing to Get Through the Day, http://j.mp/2DZxPsZ « Grieve Well

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 14 - January 20, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Does It Ever Get Easier? http://j.mp/2rnmF0f « Grief Watch

Dark Night of Grief, http://j.mp/2rny7sA « Widower's Grief

How Telling Your Story of Loss May Help, http://j.mp/2EM4hQn « Grieve Well

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 14 - February 20, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Oh For Goodness Sake – Stand At My Grave and Weep Already!  http://j.mp/24eplHA « Full Voice— Barbara McAfee

Valentine Grief - Healing Through A Gift of Love, http://j.mp/1WpSwli « Journey Through Loss

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense, http://j.mp/1PzkJEc « Grief Healing

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In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

 [Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]

. . . Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life. We can't explain it any more than we can explain life itself. We can't control it, or sometimes even postpone it. All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did it happen?" and begin to ask the question, "What do I do now that it has happened?"  ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

A reader writes: Exactly one month ago at 1:30 in the morning, I got the call from my mama who said, "she's gone, she's gone!" Just waking up and not believing the words I was hearing, I dropped to my knees as my heart pounded crazily in my chest.....We buried my sister 4 days later.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 2 - August 8, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Seeing Death in Nature: Preparing Children for Loss, http://j.mp/1IVh3L5 « It's OK to Die

Don’t You Tell Me How to Grieve! http://j.mp/1KakGta « GriefMinisterDotCom

Helpful article! Tolerating the Intolerable: Beyond Numbing, http://j.mp/1git8i3 « Open to Hope

Religion and Spirituality in Grief

[Reviewed and updated July 27, 2026]

Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand. ~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

A reader writes: I believe in God. I believe my husband is in heaven and I intend to be there with him one day. I couldn't go on if I thought we would never be together again. So I do have some faith. But right now, the whole 'pray and trust in God' thing kind of makes me want to run the other way. I guess you could say that I'm a bit angry with God right now. He has taken away my Love from me.

Caregiving and Hospice, November 2 - November 8, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

5 Signs of Alzheimer's That Sometimes Show Up Before Memory Loss, http://j.mp/1sr6Een « Caring.com

Approaching the Question of Faith or its Absence in End of Life Care, http://j.mp/1wwdGDJ « Barbara Karnes Books, Inc.

With gratitude to nurses everywhere: Big Medicine, http://j.mp/1tWJpNy « Rx for the Soul

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 27 - August 2, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Child Loss: Finding Support on Your Grief Journey, http://j.mp/1lmTVGu « Ezine Articles

What is Aromatherapy? Interview with Marika Fleri of Aroma Treasures, http://j.mp/1rVN1f6 « Seven Ponds Blog

Bibliotherapy: When books are prescribed to heal the mind, http://j.mp/1pNxk6Y « The Boston Globe