A reader writes: I lost both my parents and it sucks. My father died before I even graduated from college. For me, I wanted to make my parents proud by going to college, and getting a good paying job and helping them out financially. My father died before I even graduated, and he never saw me off to my real professional job. Life seemed pointless. My dream was killed. A part of me died. Our family was broken. We had to find a way to hold the table up with one person short. At that point, I realized that the most important thing to me was to spend as much time as I could with family, especially my mom, since she was hurting so much because she lost her companion. She became my best friend and we did everything together. And I was happy. I just wanted time with my family. And then last month my mother passes away. I'm so shocked I can't believe it. Now what I lived for, just got killed again.
I am having a terrible, horrible day today. I just can't get myself together. The last few nights I've been dreaming about my mother, but last night I didn't. So I woke up this morning feeling hurt, angry, abandoned, depressed, sad. And I did not want to get out of bed. This whole day has been horrible. I went to the grave site and just screamed my lungs out, till I felt like I was going to pass out. My mom was all we had....and now she's gone. I'm so angry! Words can't express what I'm feeling. There's no word in the world that can sum up all the excruciating pain and hurt I feel. I find myself avoiding everyone and giving everyone the mean eye to avoid me. Get out of my way, leave me alone. I've started a hunger strike and find myself crying and driving at high speeds. I just can't take it any more. So if you see me on the road.....I'm sorry...
My response: I'm so very sorry that you've lost both of your parents. Reading your words, I can hear the depth of your sorrow, your anger, and the sense that the life you had hoped for has been shattered not once, but twice. I would never want to minimize those feelings or take them away from you. They are legitimate, understandable, and a natural response to such profound loss.
What concerns me, however, is not the intensity of your feelings, but how you may be coping with them. When you write about beginning a "hunger strike" and driving at high speeds, I worry that your grief is putting both you and others at risk.
Feelings themselves are neither right nor wrong—they simply are. We cannot always control what we feel, especially in the midst of acute grief. But there is an important difference between our feelings and our actions. While grief can overwhelm us emotionally, we still have choices about how we respond to those emotions.
If you believe you are losing control of your behavior, or if you feel you may be a danger to yourself through self-neglect or to others through reckless driving, I urge you to seek professional help immediately. You do not have to carry this burden alone, and there are people who can help you through this darkest part of your grief.
Please know that the anger you describe is not abnormal. Losing both of your parents—especially after your mother became your closest companion—is a devastating blow. Of course you're angry. Death has robbed you of the people you loved most, and it feels deeply unfair because it is. Anger is one of the many ways grief expresses itself when our hearts are trying to make sense of an unbearable reality.
The danger comes not from feeling angry, but from what happens if that anger has nowhere safe to go. Suppressed anger can build until it erupts unexpectedly. It can also be turned inward through self-destructive behaviors or directed outward toward innocent people who have done nothing to deserve it. Neither response brings relief.
As I explain in my article, In Grief: Is Anger One of The Stages?, anger is powerful emotional energy. Rather than fearing it, try to find healthy ways to release it without causing harm to yourself, others, or property. Physical exercise, pounding a pillow, working with your hands, listening to or making music, writing in a journal, talking with someone you trust, creating art, or simply allowing yourself to cry can all provide safe outlets. Don't expect others to know what you need—tell them. Give them the opportunity to support you.
In fact, you've already demonstrated one healthy way of releasing some of that pain: you wrote about it. Pouring your thoughts onto a computer keyboard or the pages of a journal can be an extraordinarily effective way to give your grief a voice. It allows you to express your rage, your heartbreak, and your longing without harming yourself or anyone else.
Although it may be impossible to believe today, this level of agony will not always feel this overwhelming. Your love for your parents has not died with them, and neither has your capacity to build a meaningful life while continuing to carry them in your heart. For now, your only job is to stay safe, allow yourself to grieve, and accept whatever support you can. One day, you may discover that the dreams your parents had for you—and the love they gave you—can still help guide your life forward.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
Related:
- Mother Loss: A List of Suggested Resources
- In Grief: Is Anger One of The Stages?
- Apologizing for Expressing The Anger of Grief
- Acknowledging Jealousy and Anger in Grief
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT
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