In Grief: Rituals of Remembrance for Special Days

Simply touching a difficult memory with some slight willingness to heal begins to soften the holding and tension around it.  ~ Stephen Levine

We’ve barely caught our breath after enduring the holidays of November, December, and January, and now the stores are bursting with hearts, flowers, and candy—celebrating once again the gift of love.

But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving. For some, it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us, there is no celebration; there is only the grief that stems from absence and the pain of loss. Sometimes, out of fear of “letting go,” we may find ourselves holding on to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Yet letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, nor does it mean forgetting the people who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on—taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

Handle memories with care. When our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. When they create longing and bind us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward on our grief journey. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can choose which parts of the life we shared we wish to keep, and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by remembering the happy moments as well as the sad. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever.

If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace a holiday (or anniversary, or any day of the year that is personally meaningful to us) as a special time to commemorate our loved ones and celebrate the love we shared. Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die. Encountering a special day on the calendar presents us with an opportunity to find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them, and to show them that our love is eternal.

We can build a piece of “memory time” into that day, or we can fill the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: it’s much easier to cope with memories we’ve chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary, a birthday, or any other meaningful date, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We might go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more.

Personal grief rituals are loving activities that help us remember our loved ones and give us a sense of connectedness, healing, and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to allow our memories to become a positive influence in our lives.

What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. These ideas are as unique and varied as the people who created them. Think of ways you might adapt them and make them your own—you are limited only by your imagination.

• If you’re a writer, write. It might be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary, or a eulogy. If writing for others feels too difficult, keep a private journal and record your thoughts and feelings as you move through your grief.
• Buy a special candle, decorate it, and light it in honor of your loved one.
• Purchase a book—perhaps a children’s book—about coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to a local library or school. Place a label inside the front cover inscribed, “In memory of [your loved one’s name].”
• Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden, or flower bed as a living memorial. Mark the site with a plaque, bench, marker, or statue.
• Memorialize your loved one online by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online.
• Write a note, letter, poem, wish, or prayer to your loved one. Go outside and attach it to a balloon and let it go—or place it in a vessel and burn it, watching the smoke rise heavenward. If you are carrying regrets or unresolved pain, gather objects that symbolize those feelings and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, releasing them as you say goodbye.
• Invite relatives, friends, co-workers, and neighbors to contribute to a scrapbook or memory box filled with photographs, letters, and mementos.
• Celebrate your loved one’s life by continuing favorite traditions or preparing favorite foods.
• Choose a Valentine’s card you believe your loved one would have selected for you, and mail it to yourself.
• Give yourself a gift from your loved one—something you always wished they had given you—and think of them whenever you use or wear it.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here. 

Related:

• 6 Ways to Invite Love to A Death Anniversary by Elaine Mansfield
• AfterTalk
• A Valentine Letter for YOU by Jayne Hannah
• A Widow Wedding Anniversary by Kelley Lynn
• And Many More: Celebrating a Deceased Loved One's Birthday by What's Your Grief?
• Continuing Bonds: Shifting the Grief Paradigm by Litsa Williams
• Coping with Grief on Valentine's Day by goodgriefcenter.com
• Creating a Grief Ritual: Love, Loss and Continuing Bonds by Elaine Mansfield
• Creating Memorial Albums After Loss via Scrapbook.com
• Creating Shrines and Altars for Healing from Grief by Karla Helbert
• Dealing with Grief: We Made It Through The Main Holidays by Susan Quenelle
• Dear Love: Healing Through Writing Letters by Eleanor Haley
• Embracing The After Birthdays by Sarah Treanor
• Finding Ritual in Grief Work by Nici Harrison
• Grief and Valentine's Day by Eleanor Haley
• Grieving Through Birthdays and Death Days by Jessica Fein 
• How to Create a Sacred Grief Ritual Many Years After a Loss by Elaine Mansfield
• I Love You by Julie Gentz
• Loving Differently by Mark Liebenow
• Mom Has Turned Bedroom Into A Shrine to My Departed Father Q&A with Robert Neimeyer
• Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert
• Power of Rituals and Memorials in The Grieving Process by Melissa Calvert
• Remembering Is An Active Process by Marty Tousley
• Sample Grief Ceremonies via Grief As A Mystical Journey
• Single on Valentine's Day and The Box of Chocolates that Taunts Me by Catherine Tidd
• The Art of Grieving in Service to Love by Sheila Collins
• The Grieving Process: Dealing with Valentine's Day via AfterTalk
• The Half Life of Love by Megan Devine
• The Surprising Truth about Ritual and Grief by What's Your Grief?
• The Surviving Spouse's Guide to Surviving A Hallmark Holiday by RoseAnna Cyr
• This Love, this Love, this Love ~ by Alison Miller
• Thoughts on Leaning on Ceremony After a Death by Alan Wolfelt
• Three Ceremonies to Heal Your Heart by Alan Wolfelt
• To The Widow Facing Her First Valentine's Day Alone by Kerry Phillips
• Using Writing to Help with Grief by Marty Tousley 
• Valentine Grief - Healing Through A Gift of Love by Juli Siri
• Valentine's Day: Healing through Writing Letters via AfterTalk
• Valentine's Day When You're Grieving by Megan Devine
• We Are Not Alone: A Community Ritual of Remembrance by Elaine Mansfield
• What To Do About Valentine's Day by Cheryl Eckl
• When February Brings More Than a New Month via Heal Grief
• Why Doing Matters in Grief by William G. Hoy 

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT

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