Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met. ~ Unknown
A reader writes: It's been a week since the fifth anniversary of my Mum's passing. Since then, I have found that I'm trying to forget about it. Putting it to the back of my mind and hoping it doesn't appear in a conversation. Is that wrong? It’s also been six months since I visited the cemetery, but it's not because I find it hard to go there, I suppose I feel that it's not important to. Is that wrong?
If you're wondering whether or not I had a good relationship with my Mum, the answer is I did! I had an enjoyable childhood as I was and am an only child. The memories are vague, but they are there. I now live with my maternal grandmother, and I'm thankful for her. My father hasn't spoken to me since I was about 10 (I'm 20 now). He lives down the road from me with his wife, and it does hurt that he doesn't want anything to do with me.
I have thought about going to a counsellor, but I can't, and I know I won't be able to talk to them. I prefer it when the person I'm talking with starts the conversation or just talks. Besides, I really don't have anything to say. That's why I feel I don't need counselling because there's nothing I need to let out. I suppose it's almost some sort of fear I have of talking about my feelings, is that silly? I've also tried writing in a journal, but that hasn't worked for me, and as for the letters, I would feel a bit silly doing that because I'll know that the person won't actually read it, and then I would worry that someone will see what I've written which is silly I know. Can I ask your thoughts about what I've told you?
My response: As I read what you've shared, it doesn't seem to me that you're really trying to forget your mum. If that were the case, I doubt you'd have written to me in the first place. You don't sound like someone who is deliberately avoiding the reality of your mother's death. Given the developmental tasks that come with your stage of life—becoming more independent, separating from parental figures, and beginning to find your own path—I suspect that much of what you're experiencing is quite normal.
The people in your circle, especially those your own age, may have had far less experience with death and loss than you have. Because of what you've lived through with both of your parents, you may feel different from your peers in ways they cannot fully understand. It's understandable, then, that you wouldn't feel comfortable bringing up your thoughts and feelings about your mum during everyday conversations.
At the same time, there may be moments when you long to talk about your mum or share memories of her with someone else. That, too, is perfectly normal. One of the ways we maintain our bond with someone who has died is by continuing to tell their stories and remember them. Your mother's death did not end your relationship with her. She is still your mum, and you are still her daughter. That relationship continues to live in your heart and mind as long as you choose to remember her.
I wonder if part of what troubles you is that you haven't found a place where talking about her feels natural or safe. Are you able to share memories of your mum with your Nan? Is she someone who enjoys remembering her daughter and would welcome those conversations?
I also understand your reluctance to keep a journal or write letters to your mum. Many people feel awkward about those suggestions at first. But whether your mum can literally read what you write isn't really the point. The value lies in giving your thoughts and feelings somewhere to go. Sometimes we don't even realize what we're carrying until we begin putting words on the page.
If you're worried about privacy, perhaps you could keep a password-protected file on your computer or find another secure way to record your thoughts. Even writing down favorite memories or telling your mum, in writing, what's happening in your life now can be a meaningful way of staying connected to her.
If these questions continue to trouble you, you might also consider meeting with a qualified grief counselor for a session or two. You mentioned that you don't think you could talk and that you don't really have anything to say. As a grief counselor myself, I can assure you that many people feel exactly that way before their first appointment. A skilled counselor knows how to create a safe, comfortable space and doesn't expect you to know where to begin. (You might also find this article helpful: Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief?)
I'm not suggesting that I believe you need counseling. I don't think of grief counseling as something a person needs so much as a gift they can choose to give themselves.
The very fact that you're asking these questions tells me you're wondering whether your responses are normal and whether there's something more you should understand about them.
You say there's nothing you need to let out, yet you also describe being afraid to talk about your feelings. That doesn't necessarily mean you're hiding anything from yourself, but it does suggest that your feelings may not yet have found a comfortable way to be expressed. Sometimes grief waits quietly until we're ready to look at it more closely.
Of course, I'm only responding from a distance, and I don't want to overinterpret what you've shared. You've asked for my thoughts, and these are simply my impressions. My experience has taught me that grief we don't fully acknowledge doesn't simply disappear; it often waits patiently until we're ready to attend to it. The encouraging news is that it's never too late to do that. To better understand what I mean, I invite you to read this young man's story: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief.
Whatever you decide, please know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace as you continue finding your own way through this loss. ♥
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
Related:
- Mother Loss: A List of Suggested Resources
- Mother Loss: When Can I Think of Her Without Crying?
- Parent Loss: Keeping Memories Alive
- Taking Time To Mourn A Mother's Death
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