A reader writes: It's been a terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad—at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the U.S. I've had all three children, plus one daughter-in-law, with me this past month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died.
I made the trip to the airport fine. I was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears, and drive home again. Altogether, it was a four-hour trip. When I got home from the airport, I collapsed into tears. It was still early, so the two sons who are staying with me—for now—were still asleep. I took a sedative, then had a glass of wine, followed by another. Nothing helped.
I never drink in the morning. I'm not even usually a drinker, and I'm not the type to use sedatives or sleeping pills. Now I'm wondering if I'm headed down the road to addiction.
The overwhelming guilt, thoughts of regret, and most of all, the deep grief, loneliness, and longing are eating me up inside. When does grief become pathological?
My response: It's important to remember that grief itself is not a pathological condition. It is a normal response to significant loss.
To be sure, loss creates an emotional wound, but it is an injury that can heal. With help, understanding, and support, the pain of loss can gradually be transformed into a challenging new beginning. Your grief can become a healthy, meaningful, and healing process. But for that to happen, you must move through your grief rather than try to avoid it. This means facing it honestly, working through it thoughtfully, and making use of the resources available to you.
Expressed grief can be acknowledged, experienced, and eventually released. Suppressed grief, however, can continue to torment you in ways that feel beyond your control. Healthy mourning involves facing the reality of your loss, coming to terms with its impact on your life, accessing available resources for support and recovery, finding meaning in what has happened, and gradually learning to live productively in the years that follow.
Grief reactions can, of course, become complicated when painful emotions are unusually severe or persistent and interfere significantly with daily functioning. But the fact that you are reaching out to a grief counselor, seeking reliable information, and looking for ways to cope tells me that you are already taking important steps toward healthy mourning.
As for your concern about alcohol and sedatives, I would not assume that one difficult morning means you are headed toward addiction. Your description suggests that this was an unusual response to an overwhelming moment rather than an established pattern of substance use. Still, your experience is worth taking seriously.
When you're suffering something as devastating as the death of your spouse, the temptation to take something—alcohol, medication, or both—to dull the pain can be very seductive. But using substances to escape grief can ultimately make the pain harder to manage. Alcohol, in particular, is a depressant and can intensify sadness, anxiety, and feelings of hopelessness after its initial effects wear off. And because you took a sedative and then drank alcohol, it is especially important not to repeat that combination unless your prescribing clinician has specifically told you it is safe. Alcohol can increase the sedating effects of many medications and can be dangerous.
Rather than trying to make your grief disappear, look for safe ways to help yourself through the waves of pain. Continue working with your grief counselor. Talk with your children or another trusted person when the loneliness becomes overwhelming. Rest, eat, stay hydrated, and give yourself permission to cry when the tears come.
Most importantly, don't interpret the intensity of your grief as evidence that you are doing something wrong. You have just experienced the death of your husband, and the sudden quiet after your children leave can make the loss feel painfully real all over again. That doesn't mean you're failing to cope. It means you're grieving.
I encourage you to read this article Alcohol Is Not The Answer which discusses the dangers of turning to alcohol as a way of coping with grief. As the author wisely reminds us, “People do not die from grief, but they can die from alcoholism.” Grief may be a reason you are hurting, but alcohol is not the answer to that pain.
Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.
Related:- Alcohol Is Not The Answer
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- The Comprehensive Guide to Alcohol and Sleep
- The Link Between Grief and Addiction
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