Coping with Overwhelming, Traumatic Loss

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. ~ Jane Wagner

A reader writes: I have come to the conclusion this year for me is supposed to be a lifetime movie. To start the year off I had to admit my son to a psychiatric hospital. He was bullied in school and wanted to die. He was also still having trouble dealing with his biological mother's death. She died of leukemia.

I get him home and less than 2 weeks later my family awoke to find my 2-year old daughter dead in her bed. She was happily playing the night before, but had died in her sleep from an undetected heart condition. 

Every day is a struggle and I am in more pain than I can bear.

Coping with Bad Dreams and Nightmares in Grief

There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear.  ~ Richelle Goodrich

A reader writes:  It's now been six months since my mother died. In many ways it seems like worlds and eons since then, but in some ways not at all. I really miss her and talking to her every few days, as was our old routine.  The problem I’m having is that I dream about her almost every night.  It's never the same scenario, except that she's always sick, like she was toward the end. Sometimes I wake up crying. This has been going on for pretty much the entire time since she died. Is this normal???  I think of her from time to time during the day, but not obsessively so. I'm able to function pretty well. So I'm wondering if this is normal and how much other people have a similar experience.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 12 - November 18, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Here's why events like a "Ride for Your Life" are so important — and how to keep the spirit going long after World Day of Remembrance is over. ‘World Day of Remembrance’: Connecting Grief to Activism « StreetsBlogUSA

In Grief: Coping with Traumatic Loss

[Reviewed and updated November 11, 2024]

Our anxiety does not come from  thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.  ~ Kahlil Gibran

A reader writes: For the sixth night in a row I can't sleep. Last Monday a friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Her three children were in the car, the nine and eleven year old were perfectly fine, in fact just scratched. Her four year old was severely injured and helicoptered to another hospital. She died the next day. Mother and child were buried together in one casket. She was a friend from the past, but we had parted ways over the years. She still had a close relationship with my sister and my niece and her eleven year old are close friends. This was not a death I would consider very close to me, although close enough to hurt.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 20 - September 26, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Fear + anxiety = emotional unrest, which leads immediately to insomnia. The global pandemic has made restful sleep an uphill battle.  COVID Insomnia « Laurie Burrows Grad 

I am pleased to report that both the Grief Healing Blog and the Grief Healing Discussion Groups websites continue to be fully compliant with Health on the Net Foundation’s HONcode. Grief Healing Notified of HONcode Certification! « Grief Healing

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, November 24 - November 30, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

You probably know a child who is grieving, or an adult whose childhood was punctuated by grief. Read this. Six Reasons Why You Should Focus on a Grieving Child, https://j.mp/2R5he17 « Modern Loss

In our culture the holidays, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Christmas, emphasize family and friend togetherness. The absence of a friend or family member becomes more evident. Our sense of loss is more 'in our face' than other times of the year. How Can I Celebrate The Holidays When I Feel So Sad? https://j.mp/2XUgU6F « BK Books

The main thing we think of in mourning is the loss of the individual who’s died . . .  But there’s also a profound loss of SELF involved in mourning. i miss her, and i miss my self, https://j.mp/2KYSxzD « Kay Bruner

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 8 - April 14, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

After the Funeral, There's the Quiet, http://j.mp/2HwpO25 « Widower's Grief

On sudden upsurges of grief: Riptide, http://j.mp/2GYpOqK « Bryan C. Taylor

Picking a Fight with God: The Positives of Anger, http://j.mp/2HwjlEo « Crossroads Hospice and Palliative Care

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 11 - March 17, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief Study: Invitation to Participate: Emotion Regulation in Bereavement, http://j.mp/2FMVqPb « University of Arizona

Learning to Sleep in Grief: Tips from a Widowed Pharmacist, http://j.mp/2FQ9Jml « Bryan C. Taylor

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 8 - July 14, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Daddy, they took you too soon... http://bit.ly/Nwzswv  | The Grief Toolbox
  
  
• Dealing with The Extra Closet and Drawer Space, http://bit.ly/Mn5VLL | The Grief Toolbox
  
  
• Interesting! Why Steve Jobs' Death Made Millions Of Strangers Grieve, http://onforb.es/LUYOWs
  
  
• Book, A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss by Jerry Sittser: "A treasure in the face of ‪grief‬ and ‪loss‬" ~ Agreed!
  
  
• Good read! Is ‪Grief‬ Causing Me to Lose My ‪Faith‬? http://wp.me/p1l0Zh-7q by @griefminister01

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 24 - June 30, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• When Scattering Cremated Remains, Be Considerate, http://j.mp/N03oB4
  
  
• Visit ‪Grief‬ Healing on ‪Pinterest‬: Articles, books, resources for bereaved, http://j.mp/KIBb1q
  
  
• Take Awaken to Good Mourning along as a guide to ‪grief‬, http://tinyurl.com/6mzkrzf
  
  
• Good read: Social Media Changes Grieving Process, http://bit.ly/L5ru3i ‪
  
  
• Beautiful! A Love Letter to Colorado, http://j.mp/MXxdpc « Two Old Horses and Me

Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief

Image from Wikipedia

Find an updated version of this post here:

Coping with Bad Dreams and Nightmares in Grief

A reader writes:  It's now been six months since my mother died. In many ways it seems like worlds and eons since then, but in some ways not at all. I really miss her and talking to her every few days, as was our old routine.  The problem I’m having is that I dream about her almost every night.  It's never the same scenario, except that she's always sick, like she was toward the end. Sometimes I wake up crying. This has been going on for pretty much the entire time since she died. Is this normal???  I think of her from time to time during the day, but not obsessively so. I'm able to function pretty well. So I'm wondering if this is normal and how much other people have a similar experience.

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 18 - March 24, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Widow's Voice: A Message in a Dream, http://j.mp/GJRQ2Y
  
  
• Workplace Grief: IndyCar-Style, http://bit.ly/GS2N5f  on gender differences in grief, by @Victoria_Noe
  
  
• Helpful! What to Say to Grieving Nonbelievers, http://ow.ly/9PsY5 via @MadSciKat
  
  
• Video: Learn all about National Students of AMF, the organization for grieving college students, http://abc11.com
  
  
• Wonderful! Riding the Grief Train, http://j.mp/GJoJN8 by Jan Warner

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 8 - January 14, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Effects of unresolved grief can be devastating, http://j.mp/Av3Qug

• How faith changes through grief « Memoirs from Widow Island, http://j.mp/x5V0Nh

• Gloria Horsley: 4R’s of Recovery For Those Who've Experienced #Loss http://j.mp/xHngHA
  
  
• Teen loses step-dad, now making a documentary, http://j.mp/Aa8ZTL by @jetlifefilm via @LosingParents
  
  
• How Twitter can act as a social support group in mourning and grief, http://j.mp/xsZqPz by @mysendoff

Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief

[Reviewed and updated: December 29, 2024] 

The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep. ~ E. Joseph Lossman

A reader writes, “I  can't seem to get to sleep until after 3:00. I am tired all day, but I don't seem to be tired enough when everyone else is going to bed. I was having problems before my husband died, but now it is a LOT worse. Benedryl makes me sleepy but it has not helped at all. How long should I let this go on before being concerned?”

My response: Disruptions in normal sleep patterns are very common in the first weeks and months of grief. If you're having trouble sleeping, you might try some of the simple methods recommended by experts in accredited sleep centers:

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 7 - August 13, 2011

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Funny moments within tough situations can be magic, http://t.co/jtSMI2M via @BodyAwareGrief

• How has Harry Potter taught you to embrace life and death? http://t.co/j6trJWe via @SevenPonds

• How long does grief last? http://t.co/8iTuEn7 by @Esdeer

• Society must face up to reality of death and support grief and bereavement, http://t.co/QoOUfHO via  @ukequality

• Meditation as part of the grief process, bit.ly/o3zmsm via @lisamlilly

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 26 - July 2, 2011

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Heartache To Healing Grief Poetry Contest, details here, http://bit.ly/kOjkVl by @Joannefunch

• Even grief is online: Social Media Day - Grieving Your Friend Online, http://bit.ly/lkhmNR by @friendgrief

• From Grief to Hope: My Pathway to Healing Through Journaling, http://bit.ly/lIYIhZ via @friendgrief

• Grieving daughter asks: Is My Widowed Mother ‘Moving On’ Too Soon? http://bit.ly/kdMSIi

• Dreams and Grief: Part 1, http://bit.ly/mc95IF

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 20 - March 26

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey, http://ow.ly/45uQY e-book by grief counselor @griefhealing via @Selfhealingexpr

• Mother Loss: article, poem and discussion, http://ow.ly/45z5a via @selfhealingexpr

• New PSA for TAPS: Comfort & care for those grieving death of loved one in the military, http://bit.ly/fSTzZf by @TAPS4America

• Beautiful cremation pendants to remember and connect, http://bit.ly/fz5AAJ via @Esdeer

• When is treatment indicated for grief? http://bit.ly/fMoFDH via @helen_horvath

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 19 - December 25

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Death of a Relationship: Examining Death, Including the One I Caused, http://bit.ly/fdZbr1 via @HIVictorious @TheBodyDotCom

• Are long distance relationships with a widower worth it? http://bit.ly/g9ODSs by @abelkeogh

• May You Always . . . http://networkedblogs.com/c8ULZ via @AgeWiseLiving

• Take time to appreciate all the gifts in our lives, http://bit.ly/gbxoTi via @centeringcorp

• The Best Gift You Can Put Under the Tree, http://nblo.gs/c8yl9 by @KSBuckley

• Must read! Why It's Imperative That Employers Support Grieving Employees, http://huff.to/hkotPJ 

• Trials Do Not Build Character, by Steve Christen http://bit.ly/fWecdW @GrievingDads

• Baby Boomers Alone At the Holidays – Coping With Grief, Finding Joy, http://ow.ly/3sLQg via @ctffox

• Patterns of Grief in Men, Women Differ, http://ow.ly/3soVk via @ctffox 

• Trouble sleeping? Tips from Caring.com, http://bit.ly/fLurnl via @ShelleyWebbRN 

• Death and the Holidays, http://bit.ly/fGhAM

• Coping with parent loss, pet loss and grief work during the holidays, http://bit.ly/eyvxY6

• Widow To Widow: Ideas For Rebuilding Your Life is a book often recommended by my readers, too! via @Freshwidow 

• Hospice Helps with Grief Through The Holidays, http://huff.to/f3Kwor @huffingtonpost via @romans_mama 

• ACCESS provides support to hundreds of grief-stricken individuals affected by air disasters, http://bit.ly/grbaB5 via @Jen4_ACCESS 

• How to cope when it's a not-so-jolly holiday, http://bit.ly/hIgkAq via @Tributescom 

• During the holidays and beyond: Wishing You Enough, http://bit.ly/flN3Js  

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 31 - November 6

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• A Tale of Imperfectly Perfect Grief,  http://bit.ly/d5OSSA by @unxpctdblessing via @AccustomedChaos

• Articles on Coping with The Holidays, http://bit.ly/3jkKKh

• Journal therapy grief exercises, http://bit.ly/asdLSX via @CreateWriteNOW 

• In the end, an ugly death should not overshadow a beautiful life, http://bit.ly/aImact via @HelloGrief

• Readers' Choice: Grief Bibliography, http://bit.ly/aB2gEp

• Autumn Grief Song and Message from grief counselor Marty Tousley, http://ht.ly/34JxG via @Selfhealingexpr

• Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief, http://bit.ly/hkoXnZ

• In a new relationship? How to deal with late spouse's family, http://bit.ly/9QbymE by @abelkeogh

• Sharing our loss makes grief visible, http://bit.ly/cjVGuG

Selected Tweets, April 25 - May 1

Recommended Reading, from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week,

On Caregiving and Hospice:

• Alert! On CBS Sunday Morning - A Segment on Palliative Care This Sunday, May 2, with Interviews with Dr Meier and Robert Pardi 

• @caring: Signs That the End is Near, http://bit.ly/brdUd4

• Idea worth spreading! RT @DianaSebzda: RT @ForCaregivers Respite Care Offered on Demand, http://bit.ly/dCuEBG

• Great article! Adult Children Learn to Become Parents to Their Parents, http://bit.ly/9Rl1Ic

• @ElderCareRN: Wonderful Tips for Caregiving of Dementia Patients, http://bit.ly/aQxq5y

• @ewidera: RT @Pallimed: Pallimed Arts Post: You Don't Know Jack

• Debating the Ethics of Rationing End-of-Life Care | PBS NewsHour, 4/26/10, http://to.pbs.org/d2ce0w

• Helpful article! RT @AgeWiseLiving: How to Help Family Members with Denial, http://ow.ly/1DUjG http://bit.ly/d0I1fJ

• This is a must read! RT @nursingpins RT @tlomauro Death at 25: Blogging the End of a Life - http://bit.ly/aqAbao

• Enlist Support of Extended Family Members and Adult Day Care Services to Alleviate Stress of Caregiving: http://bit.ly/9OUSbo

• Man With Cancer Seeks Father Figures for His Daughters in 'The Council of Dads' http://bit.ly/d9wFqh

• @ElderCareRN: Taking Care of The Folks http://aweber.com/b/iBDL

• @hfahospice: Before and After the Death, Online - http://tinyurl.com/25kjqxo

• @Caring: Resentment: The Emotion Nobody Talks About http://bit.ly/bdRteB

• Barbara Friesner @AgeWiseLiving: Elder #Caregiving: Oy, The Guilt Already! http://ow.ly/1FfAR (via @EvanCarmichael)

On Understanding and Managing Grief:

• @soaringspirits: Camp Widow, Amazing Community for Those Who've Lost a Life Partner. Come and Be Inspired! http://bit.ly/ajXDcO

• On Widow's Voice Blog, Bereaved Dad Describes Efforts at Rebuilding http://bit.ly/bjcVI1

• @ShareWIK: What Are the Right Words to Say to Someone after Losing a Spouse? http://ow.ly/OUhU

• @daanwesterink: Movie,The Boys Are Back: Widower Must Raise His Sons Alone http://tinyurl.com/lmv3xz

• @DianaSebzda: RT @Echostone Young Christian Widow: 10 Lessons I've Learned About Grieving, http://bit.ly/cSHpjw

• Kelly Buckley: Healthcare Professionals Need to Ask: Is It Depression? Or Is It Grief? http://bit.ly/9C19FM

• Alisha Krukowski: When Grief Sneaks Up On You Without Warning | Hello Grief http://bit.ly/cf6n4c

• The Power of Remembering: My Grandfather's Pipe, http://bit.ly/8XETie http://bit.ly/bVKKwO

• @LegacyConnect: Talk about Death is Alive and Well, says new LegacyConnect obit blogger Susan Soper http://bit.ly/bhw7NU

• Beautifully written: Grieving Daddy's Death http://bit.ly/aBxcLA

• @BethSPatterson: Teens and Grief: A Guide for Parents http://bit.ly/athLFN

• @TAPS4America: Friendship is born when one person says to another "What! You, too? I thought I was the only one." http://bit.ly/dfe3m9
  
  
• Beautiful Comfort for Grieving Hearts! RT @MISS_Foundation: http://bit.ly/9UYqlT See also http://bit.ly/mVHgn

• RT @AgeWiseLiving: Very touching post via @nytimes: My Mother’s Watch http://ow.ly/1DONj

• Kelly Buckley on Learning to Embrace Life's Joy as You Grieve: http://bit.ly/9J3O1t 

• Bill Hayes shares a touching story of Love, Loss and Sleeplessness: http://nyti.ms/cvW4LY

• Ligia Houben on Dealing With Loss in the Workplace | Open to Hope Foundation http://bit.ly/cItxIs

• Research Demonstrates: Conscious Focus on Gratitude Has Emotional, Physical and Interpersonal Benefits -- and It's Free! http://bit.ly/dBW9dn

• @DrWeil: Loneliness May Raise Blood Pressure: http://bit.ly/bNiYHG Being Part of a Community Is Vital to Good Health

• Kelly Buckley on The Power of Gratitude: http://bit.ly/aTj7LW
  
• Selfhealingexpr Sensitive Online Support: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey, http://bit.ly/pyebF

• Nice Playlist! @HelloGrief: Teens Use Music to Express Feelings, Hopes, Fears Related to Loss: http://bit.ly/c4z6gm

• Kelly Buckley on Writing Your Own Fortune, via Gratitude In Grief: The Fortune Cookie http://bit.ly/cGKnPg

• How Grief Feels: @soaringspirits: My Personal Earthquake on Scribd http://bit.ly/9jHBMa 

On Pet Loss: 

• Beautiful Account of Pet Hospice, At Home Euthanasia | STLtoday.com http://bit.ly/cIlNjX 

• @animalspiritnet: Finding the Grace in Grief, Free Teleclass May 11 with Teresa Wagner: http://ow.ly/1DIFd 

• @WorldbytheTail: "It's Okay To Cry...You Want To Know Why?" http://bit.ly/b33mHd

• Coping With Depression When Your Pet Dies | http://bit.ly/9fRd8B

• Others May Not Understand; Find the Compassion You Need Anyway: http://tinyurl.com/d7fovg

• We Have Much to Learn from Dogs, @Selfhealingexpr: Dog Hero - Youtube Video http://bit.ly/9ZjYmm

Other: 

• The Power of Mutual Support Groups: Mental Health Patients Turn to Each Other | Seattle Times http://bit.ly/bCqW2i

• There's an important lesson here for all of us. Thank you, Amy, @parmfarm! http://bit.ly/df256v
   
• Thoughts on Disability | GeriPal - A Geriatrics and Palliative Care Blog http://bit.ly/dfEdUe