God teach us by Moments, we only know it as Accidents ~ Dyota Narotama
A reader writes: Two weeks ago my nephew was involved in a terrible auto accident. He was driving at night during a heavy thunderstorm when one of his rear tires blew out. He lost control of his car, skidded off the highway and ended up hitting a tree. His girlfriend was in the passenger seat and did not survive the accident. My nephew is only 17 years old and is not handling this well at all. I am worried about him and don’t know what I can do to help.My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic auto accident that took the life of your nephew’s girlfriend. I can only imagine how devastating this has been for you, your nephew, and both families. Auto crashes are among the most sudden and unanticipated of deaths, and that alone can make grieving especially complicated.
It’s very likely that your nephew believes, deep down, that he was somehow responsible for his girlfriend’s death—even though the accident was unintentional.
Because she was someone he loved dearly, the weight he is carrying is enormous. Alongside his grief, he is probably struggling with intense feelings of guilt and regret. Since he survived the accident that took her life, he may also be at risk for symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Until the trauma of the accident itself is addressed, it may be extremely difficult for him to fully grieve her loss.When someone’s actions—however accidental—play a role in another person’s death, guilt can be overwhelming. That burden can be intensified by perceived or real judgment from others, including members of his girlfriend’s family. Even if no one is blaming him, forgiving himself may feel impossible right now. Should legal questions or accusations arise, they could further complicate his grief and deepen his sense of responsibility.
You say that your nephew is “not handling this well,” and that is understandable. Few people—especially a 17-year-old—could navigate such a loss without serious difficulty. If he is struggling to eat or sleep, withdrawing socially, falling behind in school, or otherwise not functioning as he once did, these may be signs that his grief and guilt are taking a toll both emotionally and physically. His age, maturity, and stage of development are important factors to consider as well.
Whether adolescent or adult, your nephew needs steady support and guidance to help him work through this life-altering event. That support may come from a caring family member like you or from someone outside the family. It is important that he be reminded—gently and at the right time—that he loved his girlfriend and would never have intentionally harmed her. You can help him understand that life can take tragic and unforeseeable turns, and that this was a terrible accident, not an act of violence or intent. He needs help coming to terms with the truth that he is not a murderer.
If, over time, you see that his guilt is not easing or that his functioning continues to decline, it would be wise to encourage him to speak with a trusted pastor, rabbi, school counselor, or a professional grief counselor experienced in both trauma and bereavement. Your local library, hospice, or mortuary may be able to provide information about PTSD and grief support services in your community. You may also find the resources in the article In Grief: Causing Accidental Death or Injury (CADI) to Another helpful.
Please don’t expect this grief to resolve quickly. Research on sudden and violent loss suggests that recovery can take many years—often four to seven or more—and even then, healing is not about “getting over” the loss. The first year is frequently marked by shock and emotional numbness, and the impact of what happened may unfold slowly over time. With love, understanding, and appropriate support, however, your nephew can learn to carry this loss and still go on to live a meaningful life.
I hope this information is helpful. Please know that I am thinking of you and your nephew, and I hope you will let me know how you are both doing as time goes on.
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