A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.
His mother and I were divorced when he was very young. At that time it was heart- breaking, knowing I would only see my son every other weekend. The years went by ever so quickly. Then he reached the tender teenage years and it seemed I lost control. My son was changing for the worst and there was nothing I could do to stop it. His mother and I had lost communication years prior. Those were years of lies and holding back vital information of my son’s dealings. Making a long story short, my son was dealing marijuana. When his life was taken, my life as I once knew it ceased to exist.
There is such an emptiness I can’t express. I loved him so much. I am miserable and making the people I love the same. Believe me I never condoned his actions. He was spiraling downward fast and there was nothing I could do. The thought of helplessness was consuming. The family around me tried to tell me he was dealing but I was in denial and could not come to terms with the idea. Not my son. Was I wrong! He would lie to me when confronted.
Where did I go wrong? I feel I let him down as a father. A child needs guidance and direction in his life to become a good product of society. This should be taught from early on. God only knows how I tried. As for me my life has no meaning or substance for existing.
Please let all your readers know the importance of parenting, to watch every step and to know the friends their kids accompany. You can’t let your guard down for the slightest moment or they too could be suffering the loss of a child. I do not want any parent to experience the pain and sorrow I have dealt with. ~ Signed, Lost Forever
P.S. I had to deal with the district attorney who prosecuted my son’s murderer. The embarrassment alone was killing me, knowing that they knew my son was dealing drugs at the time of his death. It was very difficult fighting on my son’s behalf to see the young man that took his life come to justice. I thought he would change his ways.
My response: I am terribly saddened to learn of your son’s murder three years ago. As the anniversary of his death approaches, the fresh pangs of grief may be crashing in upon you once again. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you, and although there is nothing I can do to take away your sorrow, I hope I can offer you some words of comfort and encouragement.
I hope you realize that no matter what activities your son was engaged in at the time he was killed—even though he was only 18 years old—his decisions were his own. Others may pass judgment on your son’s actions, but no one has the right to judge you, the depth of your pain, or the enduring love you have for your child. Please do not allow anyone to diminish the value of your son’s life based solely on what he was doing at the time of his death.
Guilt and anger are two of the most common reactions in grief, especially when the death is sudden, violent, and complicated by difficult circumstances. Anger at God is common as well. The death of a child is one of the most devastating losses a human being can endure. It violates the natural order of life—we are not meant to outlive our children—and learning to live with such a loss is not something that happens quickly or neatly. It is a lifelong process.
This loss is simply too large to absorb all at once. Over time, and little by little, the mind begins to accept what the heart may never fully understand. You will likely spend the rest of your life wrestling with the “why” of this tragedy, and there will never be an answer that makes it make sense.
You don’t mention what kind of support you currently have or whether you’ve sought help. I hope you are not trying to manage this overwhelming grief alone—especially while coping with the trauma of homicide. An organization such as The Compassionate Friends, which supports parents who have lost a child, can be invaluable in helping you feel less isolated in your pain.
I also strongly encourage you, as a survivor of homicide loss, to educate yourself about this unique form of grief. Reading the experiences of others can be both validating and grounding. Helpful resources include What to Do When the Police Leave by Bill Jenkins, and No Time for Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death by Janice Harris Lord. (Your local library may have copies.)
You may also find comfort in an NPR Fresh Air interview with poet Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno, who speaks movingly about her journey after the murder of her daughter. She addresses the profound impact of traumatic loss, the challenges of dealing with the criminal justice system, and the difficult work of finding meaning after devastation.
Other helpful organizations include Parents of Murdered Children and Survivors of Homicide, Inc. These communities can remind you that you are not alone—and that if others have survived this unimaginable loss, you can survive it too.
Please remember that your son’s life was far more than the circumstances surrounding his death. I truly believe the day will come when the good memories of your son will outweigh the painful ones. Healing happens one day at a time—and when that feels like too much, one hour or even one minute at a time.
If, three years after your son’s death, your life still feels devoid of meaning, I urge you to reach out for professional support. Speaking with someone who specializes in traumatic loss can be a profound act of self-compassion and a meaningful way to honor your son. Your primary care physician, local hospice, library, or funeral home may be able to direct you to grief support services in your community.
You write that your life feels empty now. It has been said that within every death there is a gift—if we are willing to search for it. That gift does not arrive suddenly or easily, and it may feel impossible to imagine at this point. Still, I believe there is something meaningful waiting for you, even in this tragedy.
Your letter tells me that you carry an important message for other parents. Perhaps, when you are ready, you might consider sharing your story—speaking to parents or students in your community, for example. Turning pain into purpose can sometimes help restore a sense of meaning and connection.
I believe you will make it through the difficult days still ahead. My hope for you is that, in time, you will discover that even through this unspeakable loss, your life can once again hold meaning. For now, please know that you are in my thoughts, and I am holding you in my heart.
- Coping With Traumatic Grief: Homicide
- Coping With Traumatic Grief: Homicide (book)
- Daughter Murdered by the Father of Her Children
- Dealing with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources
- Empowering Bereaved Families After Murder
- Grief After Homicide: Surviving, Mourning, Reconciling
- Healing After Murder
- How Telling Your Story of Loss May Help
- In Grief: Searching for Meaning
- My Daughter Was Murdered
- My Way Of Living With Death
- Surviving A Partner's Homicide
- The Aftermath of Murder
- The Specific Kind of Grief Murder Leaves Behind
- Violent Crime Victim Services
- Violent Death of A Son
- What Is Traumatic Grief?
- Where Did My Friend Go? Helping Children Cope with A Traumatic Death (children's book)
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