A reader writes: I lost my significant other of 6 years only 4 months ago. We shared 4 children together and life is just not the same. I can't figure out why I am numb, frozen and slowing down. Things have gotten very hard, I truly don't want to express how hard. The pain I feel is crazy but I keep striving to be positive and to also find a new identity in this process. Nothing is the same.
I started a blog dedicated to him in hopes of finding other women (or anyone) who has lost their partner because I feel very alone in my battle. I wanted to express my feelings truthfully and freely amongst individuals in hopes to connect and help heal. I lost Damian to murder so connecting with people who understand that part as well were my hopes. Id like to hear other stories and also have the wisdom of others as well. Hopefully writing to you can help, but I would love for other women to connect and share their stories as well and hear me vent.
My response: My dear, I’ve just read your post on your blog, where you describe so vividly the horror you’ve endured in the wake of this tragic death, and my heart just hurts for you. I am so very sorry to learn the details of this sudden, violent, and heartbreaking loss of your beloved Damian ~ and sorry, too, for the traumatic cloud that has settled around you and your children in its aftermath. I cannot imagine the rage and helplessness you must feel, not only toward the person who took Damian’s life, but also because of the indifference and lack of compassion you’ve encountered in the funeral industry and in law enforcement.
You say that you hope to connect with others who understand this particular kind of loss. Because you are grieving a homicide, I want to point you toward some resources that may feel especially relevant and supportive.
As a survivor of homicide, learning more about this kind of traumatic loss can help you feel less alone. Two books you may find helpful are:
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What to Do When the Police Leave by Bill Jenkins
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No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death by Janice Harris Lord
(You can read descriptions and reviews on Amazon, and if either book resonates, you might ask for it at your local library.)
You may also find comfort in hearing from others who’ve walked a similar path.
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Empowering Bereaved Families is an article on Open to Hope that includes a video interview with two individuals who lost loved ones to murder. One guest later founded Violent Crime Victim Services, an organization that supports survivors of homicide.
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Healing After Murder, also on Open to Hope, offers another helpful article and video.
NOVA – Network of Victim Advocacy offers an article describing the profound losses and drastic changes that accompany homicide, including the stigma and suddenness of the death.
You may also appreciate the many links in Dealing with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources, which will reassure you that you are not alone, help you understand what you are feeling, and show you that if others have survived this devastating kind of loss, you can survive it too.
My dear, I hope this doesn’t feel like too much information. I’m offering these resources simply to show you that there are many places—many people—“out there” who understand and who can offer guidance, companionship, and support. If you don’t have the energy to explore them yourself right now, perhaps a family member or friend could help you sift through them.
The most important thing you can do for yourself at this moment is to recognize that you cannot carry all of this alone. You have already taken the brave first step by sharing your story here and on your blog, and I hope you will consider some of these additional supports as you are able.
My heart reaches out to you. I am holding you and your children in gentle thought, and I wish for peace, healing, and moments of rest to find their way to your broken heart.
- Book Excerpt, "The Invitation," from Journey Through Trauma
- Brooks Douglas: Choices: Forgiveness and Strength
- Dealing with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources
- Grief After A Murder
- Grief After Homicide: Surviving, Mourning, Reconciling
- How Telling Your Story of Loss May Help
- Surviving A Child's Homicide
- The Specific Kind of Grief Murder Leaves Behind
- What Is Traumatic Grief?
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