When a Parent Dies: Supporting the Grief of Adolescents

A father is one of God's first gifts to our hearts, and his love stays with us always.  ~ Holly Gerth 

A reader writes: I lost my dad 6 months ago. He had a tumor in his pancreas that was discovered two years before that. He was told he had cancer on my 13th birthday. He had many operations, and cancer treatments like chemotherapy, but after a long struggle he died in a hospice in our city. I live with my mother and my 7-year-old brother. We are happy, but I feel really sad sometimes, because I miss my dad. I was very close to him, and we were very alike in the way we were both mechanical. He was a professor of engineering and he wrote many articles and textbooks. I am very proud of him. I boast about him a lot, and it makes me feel better to know that he did something in his life that was so fantastic – or I think so anyway. It’s just gone past 6 months since he died, and I’m beginning to feel very sad a lot of the time.

My response: My friend, I am struck by your observation that as you passed the six-month mark since your father’s death, you’ve begun to feel very sad much of the time. I don’t know exactly what your experience was like when your dad died, nor how you’ve been coping since then, but there are some things I would want every grieving young person to understand. I’d like to share them with you now ~ and with others who may read this.

Find and accept support. Grief is best navigated when you’re able to experience your emotional pain, talk with others about it, express your feelings, and accept support from people who care about you. I don’t know what your relationship with your mother is like, but at your age ~ when teens are naturally learning to separate from authority figures and form their ownidentities ~ it’s very normal to feel somewhat disconnected from adults. Many teens turn instead to their peers for support. At the same time, they don’t want to feel different from their friends or stand out in uncomfortable ways.

What we know is that grieving teens often do best when they connect with other young people who’ve also experienced a death. There is great relief in discovering that you are not the only one who has lost someone so important.

Remember: it’s never too late to do the work of mourning. Grief doesn’t “go away” on its own ~ it waits until you’re ready and able to attend to it. If you sense that there is still work to do, here are some gentle ways to begin:

• Find someone you trust ~ a teacher, school counselor, family friend, relative, clergy member, or another caring adult ~ with whom you feel comfortable talking.

• Think about what you need from others right now, and try to let them know. People often want to help but don’t know how unless you tell them.

• Continue doing what you’ve already done so beautifully here: talk about your father. Share what made him special, what you admired about him, and what you miss most.

• Tell your story of the death itself ~ where you were, what happened afterward, and how you’re feeling now.

• Share any dreams you’ve had about your dad.

• Write a letter to your father and say whatever you need to say.

• Create a collage using photos, words, or images that capture your memories of him.

You might also consider reaching out to your local hospice to ask about support groups or programs for teens who’ve lost a parent. Many communities offer specialized grief support for young people. See Find A Hospice to search a data base that contains all the hospices in your geographic area. 

Online resources can also be helpful, including organizations dedicated to supporting grieving children and adolescents. See, for example, Children and Teens in Grief: Suggested Resources.

Learn what normal grief looks and feels like. Understanding that what you’re experiencing is normal can be very reassuring. Watch this Open to Hope video featuring Jenny Wheeler, author of Weird is Normal When Teenagers Grieve, as she talks about the loss of her father and suggests ways teens can cope with grief:

Grief also changes over time. It will influence who you are now and who you will become in the future. The death of your father is something that will need to be revisited and integrated again and again as new situations arise. You’ll continue to grapple with its meaning ~ emotionally, socially, practically, and spiritually ~ throughout your life.

Finally, remember this: death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship.
The bond you share with your father remains. He will always be your dad, and you will always be his daughter. In a very real sense, he is still with you ~ through your memories, your values, your interests, and the parts of him that live on in you. In some ways, you are now even more inseparable, no longer limited by time, distance, or space. 

I hope this information is helpful to you, my dear. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your father, and know that you are very much in my thoughts.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here. 

Related:

• Before You Know It, Something's Over 
• Children and Teens in Grief: Suggested Resources
• How to celebrate with the graduate in your life who is grieving the loss of a loved one
• Successful Children Who Lost a Parent -- Why Are There So Many of Them?
• We Didn't Win

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT

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