Walking the Path of Sibling Loss

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.  ~ Clara Ortega

A reader writes: My older brother and only sibling passed away suddenly at the age of 30. This is selfish, but what I hated most during the funeral and days to follow were people telling me to:

• Take care of my parents.
• Be there for my parents.
• Watch out for my parents.

It was weird; it was like my grief did not/does not exist. I hate the fact that sibling grief is something that is usually not acknowledged. I mean you can usually find more information on parents losing children or children losing parents or even when you lose a pet -- but hardly any information on the feelings of siblings losing siblings.

My response: I want to thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts about what you hated most during the funeral and in the days following the death of your beloved brother. I also want to assure you that your reaction is not “selfish” at all. Your reaction is normal. When we are reeling from the loss of a loved one, we are especially raw and vulnerable to the comments of others—most especially when those comments seem hurtful or insensitive.

Dealing with the insensitivity of others can be one of the most difficult and troubling aspects of grief. I suspect that nearly everyone who has suffered a loss can recall a moment when they felt just as discounted and disenfranchised as you must have felt when those comments reached your ears. Had I been in your shoes, I might have wanted to scream, “What about me? What about my grief? How can I take care of my parents when right now I can’t even take care of myself? And if I couldn’t save my own brother, how could I possibly save my parents? For that matter, how can I save myself from dying too soon?”

While some people truly are thoughtless and speak without thinking, many well-meaning individuals have never experienced a significant loss. They simply don’t know what grief feels like, how to respond, or what to say. They are not deliberately trying to hurt us. When we encounter such people in the future, we can choose to be patient with them, gently educate them about what we’ve learned through grief, or seek out those who are more understanding—such as the fellow mourners we might meet in a grief support group, whether in person or online.

I truly believe that grief support groups offer a rich opportunity to share and learn from one another what helps and what hurts. Through our own grief, we can educate others who have yet to walk this path—and in the process, grow more compassionate toward one another. After all, none of us is immune to loss. Sooner or later, we all find ourselves on this difficult journey called grief, whether we want to be here or not. 

As my friend and colleague Deirdre Felton has written, “Sorrow is a matter of taking turns. This year it’s yours. Next year it may be you setting the table for someone else who feels they cannot cope.”

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross expressed it this way: “If you truly want to grow as a person and learn, you should realize that the universe has enrolled you in the graduate program of life, called loss.”

If loss is the “graduate program of life,” and we are all enrolled, may we share with one another what we have learned along the way—and be as much teachers as we are students.

Unfortunately, there is no way to immunize ourselves against the insensitivity we may encounter while in mourning. It may help to remember that the rawness and vulnerability you feel right now will eventually soften. The day will come when thoughtless or trivializing comments will not wound you so deeply. In the meantime, please know that your profound sense of loss is a natural response to the death of your beloved brother. Your grief is a legitimate expression of your attachment and your love, and you do not have to justify it to anyone.

Finally, I want to acknowledge your insight that sibling loss differs in important ways from other kinds of loss. 

Special issues arise when a brother or sister dies, no matter how old we are. We may feel as though part of our identity is gone. Whatever role our sibling would have played in our future is lost as well, casting a bittersweet shadow over even life’s happiest moments. Because a sibling is our peer, we may suddenly become acutely aware of our own mortality and wonder how many years we have left. We may blame ourselves for the death or feel guilty for being the surviving child. We may feel alone in our responsibilities toward our aging parents—or pressured to set aside our own grief for their sake and for the other family members our sibling has left behind.

Please know that there are many compassionate resources available online specifically for those who have lost a sibling. See especially the Related Articles and Resources I've listed at the base of this post. 

I sincerely hope that you'll seek out the support you need and deserve. And please accept my heartfelt condolences during this sad and difficult time. ♥

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.
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Related Articles and Resources:

• 5 Strategies To Support Anyone Grieving The Loss of A Sibling
• 7 Life-Changing Lessons I Never Expected to Learn When My Brother Died
• A Long Journey Out of The Darkness
• Always A Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner's Guide to Grief
• Billy Bob Thornton Has 'Never Trusted Happiness' Since His Brother's Death
• Boots On The Ground: Sibling Suicide Loss 
• Celebration of Sisters: It's Never Too Late to Grieve
• Common Myths And Misconceptions About Grief
• Coping with the loss of a sibling
• Grief Support: When Others Fail To Meet Our Expectations
• Grieving the Death of a Sibling
• Having A Dead Sibling Is Full of Contradictions
• Helping Another in Grief
• How I (Barely) Survived The Death of My Sibling
• How Losing A Sibling in Childhood Haunts The Parent I Am Today
• How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences
• Is Losing A Sister Easier Than Losing A Grandmother?
• Judy Lipson: Death of A Sibling
• Rock On: Mining for Joy in the Deep River of Sibling Grief
• Sibling Bereavement
• Sibling Loss Across the Lifespan: Research, Practice and Personal Stories
• Sibling Loss Changes A Sister Left Behind
• Sibling Loss: The Grief Was So Physical and So Tangible
• Siblings: The Forgotten Mourners
• The Compassionate Friends Sounds of The Sibling
• This Memorial Day, Ask Me About My Brother
• Unleash The Silence: Compassion for Surviving Siblings
• What No One Understands About the Grief of Losing a Twin
• What Siblings Day Means to Someone with a Dead Sister

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT

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