A reader writes: Today is exactly two months since my husband died. I have been crying since Sunday, after my son and his fiancé left. I can't seem to find any joy in anything. Two of our children are getting married, I have a new grandchild on the way, there is so much happy stuff going on, and I just want to cry. Maybe I’ve been trying to be brave. Nobody likes a downer, but damn it, I feel like a downer. I just saw an ad in the newspaper for a grief group that’s starting this month, and I really feel I need this. I have never been one to join a group, but this is more then I can deal with. Do these groups really help? There are six sessions, all dealing with different steps. Is it worth trying? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.
My response: If you type the words “support group” into any search engine, you’ll find dozens of articles on the topic. That alone is a good indicator of how many differing opinions exist. As others accurately point out, whether a support group will be helpful to you depends on many factors — including your own needs and expectations, the purpose and composition of the group, and the skills of the facilitator.
In my experience as a grief counselor, the most effective grief work is not done alone. Whether we connect with others in person or online, support groups can be invaluable. When we’ve lost a loved one, we often feel a deep need to connect with others who understand grief — who have suffered a similar loss and recognize what our sorrow feels like.
At a time when it may be difficult to feel comfortable in usual social settings, support groups offer a safe place to interact with others. Here, we can express our feelings without fear of judgment. We can ask questions and receive responses from people whose experiences may be similar to our own. Members listen willingly and share their stories of loss. No one understands the pain of loss as deeply as someone who is living through it. It is also profoundly reassuring to discover that what we are experiencing is normal.
Working our way through grief is some of the hardest work we will ever do. Realizing that we do not have todo it alone can be life-affirming. One of the saddest realities of losing a loved one — whether a person or a cherished animal companion — is that friends and family members often move on from our grief long before we are finished needing to talk about it. That is why it is so important to find understanding, nonjudgmental listeners with whom we can openly acknowledge our reactions, express our pain, and come to terms with what has happened.
Another benefit of support groups is the opportunity for mutual healing. By sharing our loss, we help one another. Over time, many of us find ourselves on the giving end of compassion — reaching out through our own woundedness to the newly bereaved, listening to them, and offering hope that just as we have survived our losses, they will survive theirs as well.
Together — stumbling at times, reaching out for help, pausing to offer comfort, and walking on — we move through the journey of grief. In the process, we learn to love and to be loved more fully. It is one of the great lessons loss can teach us.
As mentioned in an earlier post, when evaluating whether a particular group is right for you, I suggest attending at least three sessions before deciding. Each meeting changes depending on who is present and what is discussed.
Once you’ve found a support group, make sure:
- It is made up of mourners with whom you can identify.
- The facilitator is not only comfortable leading groups but also knowledgeable about the grieving process.
- The group follows clear “ground rules” that:
- Recognize the uniqueness of each person’s grief
- Acknowledge that grief is a normal process with its own timetable
- Permit members to share as much or as little as they choose
- Encourage active, empathic listening (one person speaks at a time, without interruption or judgment)
- Allow equal time for sharing so no one monopolizes discussion
- Respect confidentiality — what is shared in the group stays in the group
- Prohibit unsolicited advice
To find a grief support group in your area, contact your local hospice, hospital, or funeral home. If you live in the Valley of the Sun / Phoenix metropolitan area, you can explore the grief support programs offered by Hospice of the Valley to locate a group near you.
Related:
- After the Last Bereavement Gathering
- Building An Effective Bereavement Group
- Coming Around Full-Circle
- Everyone's Talking About Grief -- And for Good Reason
- Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You
- Finding Support in a Grief Group
- Grief and Gratitude
- Grief Support Group Didn't Help -- Now What?
- Grief Support Groups: Positives and Pitfalls
- Support Groups: Types, Benefits, and What to Expect
- The Comfort of Caregiver Support Groups
- The Comforting Arms of A Support Group
- The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life - YouTube video
- Widowed Fathers by Mark Liebenow
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