Keeping the Secret of a Terminal Prognosis: Finding the Courage to Tell Those You Love

If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.  ~ George Orwell in 1984

A reader writes: I am married and the mother of three children. I have been told by my doctors that I have a rare and terminal illness. My husband and children love me and need me, and they do not know that I am dying because I cannot tell them.

How can I tell the ones who count on me that I won’t be here for them? How can I tell them that I brought them into the world with love and tears, and now I’m leaving?

My husband and children don’t know. I won’t let them know.

Should We Tell Our Dad That He's Dying?

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.  ~ Aldous Huxley

A reader writes: We know my dad is dying of cancer but apparently he still isn't aware of the truth. I don't find this to be right. I believe he should be told so if he has things he would like to say or do he can say or do them. I don't find that my stepmother is being fair with him. She has been a tough one to deal with during all this. She doesn't even tell us girls what is going on with our father. I was angry with her for this, but I have accepted that this is just her way for whatever her reasons. My stepbrother has called to tell me that hospice is dropping more and more hints, the signs of his end are more obvious, and it is really only a matter of time now. My sister and I have decided to visit him for the last time and say our goodbyes. Is there something you can share with me on coping with this being the last time I will probably see him alive? Should I say something about him not going to pull through this one? I am scared to face this now. Any words from you will be appreciated.

Caregiving and Hospice, May 29 - June 4, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Communication and Practice: Re-Imagining the End-Of-Life Experience, http://j.mp/22AIotD « Pallimed

Study: Hope often trumps understanding of a physician's prognosis, http://j.mp/1O6Jlr6 « LA Times

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Caregiving and Hospice, April 26 - May 2, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Who Guides Hospice Volunteers? An Interview with Steven Willey, Hospice Volunteer Manager, Part Two, http://j.mp/1Jgzc3E « Seven Ponds Blog

Overcoming The Death Taboo By Just Talking About It, http://j.mp/1bp2Jwc « KUOW.org

Brilliant: Does Everything Happen for a Reason? http://j.mp/1GM1K4B « HuffPost GPS for The Soul

Should Our Dad Be Told That He's Dying?

Find the latest version of this post here:

Should We Tell Our Dad That He's Dying?

A reader writes: We know my dad is dying of cancer but apparently he still isn't aware of the truth. I don't find this to be right. I believe he should be told so if he has things he would like to say or do he can say or do them. I don't find that my stepmother is being fair with him . . . 

Caregiving and Hospice, April 20 - April 26, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

NPR's This American Life takes a look at hospice and end-of-life care on this week's episode 523: 'Death and Taxes,' http://j.mp/1hykxFC « eHospice

Awesome! The Documents You Need, When You Need Them, http://j.mp/1fbF3NI « Paula Span, The New Old Age, The New York Times

Communicating with Healthcare Professionals? How to Stand Your Ground and Get What You Need, http://j.mp/1nNUMBY « by Dr. Arlene Houldin, The Caregiver Space

Keeping The Secret of A Terminal Prognosis

A reader writes: I am married and the mother of three children. I have been told by my doctors that I have a rare and terminal illness. My husband and children love me and need me, and they do not know that I am dying because I cannot tell them. How can I tell the ones who count on me that I won’t be here for them? How can I tell them that I brought them into the world with love and tears, and now I’m leaving? My husband and children don’t know. I won’t let them know.

Why should they feel this? I never lied to them. I didn’t want to share this with them because I am not strong enough to deal with their grief. I feel their love. I need it and it gives me strength. But just as I spent a lifetime helping and hand-holding, I can’t let go of my love for them or my responsibility to them long enough to let them grieve. I know I am being selfish. But I am dying. Please believe me when I say that I don’t want to leave. I want to see my grandchildren born, I want to see my youngest graduate from college, I want to hold the one I raised who grew up, left home and sent me emails and letters the whole time she has been gone. I love my family and would do anything to keep them from this pain. I know the pain. I have tried to keep it from them out of love. I don’t want my children or my husband to see or feel this pain.  Read on here >>>