After a Child’s Murder: What Parents Need to Know About Guilt, Grief, and Survival

When working with families and friends of people who have been murdered I find that the operative verb is never died but was killed . . . Being killed is seen as different from dying; it's unnatural, a form of theft, an act of taking something from you and your loved ones. What is taken is a person's life and all of its promise for future joy and happiness, companionship, and accomplishment. It is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer.  ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 16 - March 1, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

Every year, Hillsdale students bury parents, siblings, or best friends. Every year, Hillsdale students suffer devastating mental or physical health crises. Every year, Hillsdale students endure divorce or serious family discord. And if they’re bold enough to share the struggles, they most often receive pity or polite silence: two poor substitutes for real empathy. We can do better. In a largely Christian environment, we have the tools and tradition at our disposal to better accompany those teammates, classmates, and friends who are grieving. First, though, we must open our hearts. After Eden: Embrace Grief « Hillsdale Collegian

Making Time and Space for Grief

It is said that Time soothes mourning ~ No, Time makes nothing happen; it merely makes the emotivity of mourning pass. ~ Roland Barthes

A reader writes: The selfishness in me is getting the best of me right now. I know grieving is normal but this takes the cake. I do agree with the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, as I have to do that each and every day. I have 3 kids to live for and take care of. (I love doing that). I can also tell when I step over my own two feet ~ you know the feeling, as if it’s your first day on your new feet, it is a hard day. And not having the choice to stay in bed is hard but I cannot. Not any day! Let me ask this question: Do you think that because we (I) have to go go go every day that it makes it even harder and longer that we take to heal because we have not had the chance to hide and cry and however we do grief?

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 25 - September 7, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

Children and teens have their unique way of grieving. Loss tends to affect children in different ways than from adults. Depending on their age, experiences, and maturity levels, all children will have a different grief experience from the next. Oftentimes, a child’s grief is overlooked or overshadowed by adults who may be grieving the same loss as in the case of a sibling or a grandparent that has died. 11 Ways to Help a Grieving Child or Teenager « Cake

Grief Is Difficult

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult -- once we truly understand and accept it ~ then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. ~ M. Scott Peck, MD

A reader writes:  I read in one of your recent posts a quotation from The Road Less Traveled about accepting the fact that life is difficult. I'm trying to understand the author's words but failing.

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 5 - March 11, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The International Day of Hope and Healing after Loss is a free online experience brought to you by the Opento Hope Foundation with the mission of helping people find hope after loss. Open to Hope's International Day of Hope & Healing After Loss « YouTube

Looking for Answers in Grief

[Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

A reader writes: I have never been a religious person. But it seems that when you have such a tragedy in your life like losing a husband of 40 years that you seem to turn that way because you are looking for an answer. All the books that I seem to read talk about the plan that God has in store for you. Why I get so upset is that I was completely happy with my old plan - being with the love of my life until we were, say, 90 years old (not just 60). So why take my wonderful plan away and make me so miserable because He has a plan for me?

Helping A Grieving Grandparent

When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance. And inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy and their understanding.  ~ Helen Keller

A reader writes: Hello, I’m a grandmother watching her 10 yr old granddaughter suffer through osteosarcoma. I’ve denied the terminal diagnosis, hoping she’ll defy the odds. Hoping and praying for a miracle. I talk to the starry heavens every night, begging. I’m forced to watch my daughter suffer with her daughter’s suffering. I’m crushed and absolutely broken. I’m angry. Why the children …

In Grief: Taking Time to Mourn

Find the latest version of this post here:

Making Time and Space for Grief

A reader writes: The selfishness in me is getting the best of me right now. I know grieving is normal but this takes the cake. I do agree with the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, as I have to do that each and every day. I have 3 kids to live for and take care of. (I love doing that). I can also tell when I step over my own two feet ~ you know the feeling, as if it’s your first day on your new feet, it is a hard day. And not having the choice to stay in bed is hard but I cannot. Not any day! Let me ask this question: Do you think that because we (I) have to go go go every day that it makes it even harder and longer that we take to heal because we have not had the chance to hide and cry and however we do grief?

As to asking Why? and Why Not? Why not the bad people, the ones who do wrong and don't ask for forgiveness? Well one answer that my brother told me was that God does not want bad souls in heaven only angels and my mom is an Angel 100%. I have also been told that we each and everyone one of us is put here on earth to accomplish something and once we do it’s time to go Home so to speak. I realize that people die its natural but why my mom? Her life was hard enough and she suffered for many years on personal things so that this cancer she had was a piece of cake. Mom survived breast cancer years and years before. I know that it is not our choice in the matter. I do want my mom back. I see every time I turn on the TV about a cancer breakthrough yea thanks is all I can say at this time. Please forgive me in my mood writing its just this is the 1st time of losing someone and have no idea how to get through it!!!!!!!!! Its been 3 months and 4 days. Thanks. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 20 - May 26, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

MemorialDay: The Story Of A Hero Son, A Dad's Grief And A Hit Song, http://j.mp/2INZ558 « Newsweek

The Need for Self-Compassion in Grief, http://j.mp/2ILeHWY « What's Your Grief ?

My Name is Grief, http://j.mp/2IMY60X  « Bryan C. Taylor

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

 [Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]

. . . Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life. We can't explain it any more than we can explain life itself. We can't control it, or sometimes even postpone it. All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did it happen?" and begin to ask the question, "What do I do now that it has happened?"  ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

A reader writes: Exactly one month ago at 1:30 in the morning, I got the call from my mama who said, "she's gone, she's gone!" Just waking up and not believing the words I was hearing, I dropped to my knees as my heart pounded crazily in my chest.....We buried my sister 4 days later.

Surviving A Child's Homicide

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18. His mother and I were divorced when he was very young. At that time it was heart- breaking, knowing I would only see my son every other weekend. The years went by ever so quickly. Then he reached the tender teenage years and it seemed I lost control. My son was changing for the worst and there was nothing I could do to stop it. His mother and I had lost communication years prior. Those were years of lies and holding back vital information of my son’s dealings. Making a long story short, my son was dealing marijuana. When his life was taken, my life as I once knew it ceased to exist. Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 20 - April 26, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Friday Favorite: The Family Lives On Foundation, http://j.mp/1ikdp06 by Litsa Williams, What's Your Grief

An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Recently Experienced a Loss,  http://j.mp/1iV5C8I « by Samantha Halle, Celebrate You More

After loss: finding comfort in tokens and linking objects, http://j.mp/1nt7Krw « by Harriet Hodgson, Open to Hope

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 2 - February 8, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Outstanding commentary: Philip Seymour Hoffman - What a Waste, http://j.mp/1dvM5oJ « Widow's Voice

The Power of the Simple Letter, http://j.mp/1ivMsFc « Writing the Heartache Blog

Well said: Philip Seymour Hoffman: A Man We All Knew (But Didn’t), http://j.mp/LUMtHm « Modern Loss

Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief

Find the latest version of this post here:

Looking for Answers in Grief

A reader writes: I have never been a religious person. But it seems that when you have such a tragedy in your life like losing a husband of 40 years that you seem to turn that way because you are looking for an answer. All the books that I seem to read talk about the plan that God has in store for you. Why I get so upset is that I was completely happy with my old plan - being with the love of my life until we were, say, 90 years old (not just 60). So why take my wonderful plan away and make me so miserable because He has a plan for me?

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 5 - January 11, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Meditation: Helpful to Those Who Grieve, http://j.mp/1ch9a1D « Grief Healing Blog

8 Ways to Cope With Grief during Milestone Events, http://j.mp/Kb38ot « HuffPost Healthy Living

Is it okay to express sympathy on Facebook? http://j.mp/1iYij3B « HuffPost Healthy Living

Guilt in The Wake of A Parent's Death

[Reviewed and updated September 23, 2024]

A reader writes: My mother died in her sleep and I feel like I’m starting to lose it. I just can't stop thinking about what happened. She was in her early 60s, had high blood pressure and was a smoker. She became very depressed after my father passed away five years ago. I'm sure my dad wanted me to take care of my mother after he died, but she just wouldn't go to the doctor.     

She stopped taking her blood pressure medicine (which I didn’t know until about a year before she passed). We begged her to see the doctor, but she wouldn’t go and said she was fine. Two months before she died, she complained of a sharp chest pain but didn’t say anything until the next morning, and then she still refused to get it checked out. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 20 - May 26, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Delayed Grief and The Aftermath Of Loss, http://j.mp/Khgwoe
  
  
• When Doctors Grieve, http://j.mp/KhghJR via @swhitbo
  
  
• Powerful Video: 3 Mothers on Losing a Child and How A Support Group Can Help, http://j.mp/JLK1uj via @HopefulMJ
  
  
• Helping Bereaved Youth Successfully Navigate Through the Grief Process, http://j.mp/JLN1Xv via @TraumaReport
  
  
• Amazing: Keeping A Father's Memory Alive, http://j.mp/KP1JT2  | Maria Shriver

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 11 - March 17, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Supporting Grieving Children: National Poll Results, http://j.mp/y78naZ via @HFAhospice
  
  
• 'Battle Fatigue: The War for Peace' - grief in the wake of homicide, http://shar.es/ppxlB via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Great activity to help children with grief: "It's Okay To Have A Dragged-Down-Day!" http://shar.es/ppdkE via @TheGriefToolbox
  
  
• Love this! Friend Grief Lessons from "The Big Chill," http://j.mp/xgKSVa by @Victoria_Noe
  
  
• Beyond Kübler-Ross: Recent developments in understanding of grief and bereavement, http://bit.ly/z0qQFO via @tweet_ACGB