When You've Lost Both Parents: Coping With Anger, Despair and Grief

At midnight, even bad days come to an end.  ~ Ms Moem

A reader writes: I lost both my parents and it sucks. My father died before I even graduated from college. For me, I wanted to make my parents proud by going to college, and getting a good paying job and helping them out financially. My father died before I even graduated, and he never saw me off to my real professional job. Life seemed pointless. My dream was killed. A part of me died. Our family was broken. We had to find a way to hold the table up with one person short. At that point, I realized that the most important thing to me was to spend as much time as I could with family, especially my mom, since she was hurting so much because she lost her companion. She became my best friend and we did everything together. And I was happy. I just wanted time with my family. And then last month my mother passes away. I'm so shocked I can't believe it. Now what I lived for, just got killed again.

Supporting a Grieving Partner While Mourning Your Own Loss

If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.  ~ Peter Hoeg

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves. 

Missing My Father: Learning to Live With the Pain of Loss

There is no expiration date on the love between a father and his child.  — Jennifer Williamson

A reader writes: I recently lost my father, and I am unable to handle my loss. I don't know why, but I want to dig him up and bring him back to life. I am so sad and lonely without my father, and I have never experienced anything like this before. I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not, but I do know that I need help. I do have people around me who love me and are there for me, but it just isn't enough. Can you please write me back with any advice as soon as possible?

When a Widowed Parent Starts Dating: Why Adult Children Struggle

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.  ~ J.K. Rowling

A reader writes: Nearly a year after my father died at 54, I’m struggling with how much my mother has changed since she began dating someone new. I’m 34, the oldest of five, with three children of my own, and I’m deeply worried about the future of our family.

During my father’s illness—later revealed to be terminal—my mother was his full-time caregiver, handling every aspect of his care until he died. Afterward, she took a short break to visit her sister, then returned home seemingly renewed. She went back to work, attended grief counseling, and told us she had met a “friend,” a widower whose wife had also died of cancer.

In Grief: When Partners Are Mourning Separate Losses

If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.  ~ Peter Hoeg

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves.

Using Avoidance or Denial to Cope with Loss

Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

A reader writes: I feel extremely depressed. My father, who is my best friend and closest person to me, passed away. Ever since I was little, I was always afraid he'd be taken away from me; he and I were very close, and he was the best father any person could ask for. He's the type of father who'd drive you around town for hours when you needed some last minute item for your school project that's due the next day. He's the type of father who will buy your favorite foods and secretly put it in your fridge. He's the type of father who will drop everything to listen when you're having a problem. We hugged each other every day, and I always told him I loved him. Why did this happen? I must be such a horrible person to be punished in this way.

Struggling With Acceptance and "Letting Go" in Grief

The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.  ~ Steve Maraboli

A reader writes: I send you a letter, asking for guidance and help, my father passed away two months ago, and it's very hard to accept that he is gone, my mom is angry and sad, can you help us.

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 1 - December 7, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

When someone you love loses a person they love, it can be hard to know what to say. You want to show your friend you love and support them, but you also know there really isn't much you can say to heal their pain. In this situation, the best thing to do is "name the elephant in the room," says Mekel Harris, a psychologist and grief consultant. The Do's and Don'ts of Expressing Condolences « NPR

Setting Clear Boundaries in Grief

Boundaries in child-parent relationships basically establish that you're an adult with your own rights, choices, preferences and capacities.  ~ JR Thorpe

A reader writes: We lost our dad 5 months ago and my mother-in-law 3 months ago. My mom is constantly complaining that my 2 siblings and I are not doing more for her. I'm feeling very depressed with all the guilt she is putting on me.

Grief At Work: When Job Performance is Affected

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.  ~ Fred Rogers

A reader writes: This past year was a very difficult one for me and my family.   My father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and passed 7 months later. The day he died my mother-in-law was hospitalized and a few days later we found out she had stage 4 cancer and had only a few months left. She died 2 months later. I took one month compassionate care leave to look after my father and two bereavement leaves, and most of the year I was in a fog. It was very difficult to watch my father suffer over several months before he passed away at home.

In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

It is harder to accept the reality of loss if one is excluded from the dying process, restricted from the funeral rituals, inhibited from acknowledging the loss, or even given delayed news of the death.  ~ Kenneth J. Doka

A reader writes: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day I was having major surgery. Consequently, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery since I started taking care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband. It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 2 - June 15, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

The hardest part of growing up? For me, it has to be watching my parents grow older. There’s this sudden realization that all things are finite and there’s an end to everything. Every time I think about this, the reality hits even harder. Coping With Grief: The Sight Of Parents Growing Old « Her Campus

In Grief: Widowed Mom's Drinking Alienates Family

Compassion for our parents is the true sign of maturity. ~ Anaïs Nin

A reader writes: My father passed away last July. My mother and he had a terrible marriage and only stayed together for the "kids," then couldn't afford to live apart. He passed away after a brief illness, but had made my mother's life very difficult. For the last 20 years, they just cohabited together with seperate lives - different bedrooms and even different tv rooms.

I did not have a good relationship with him (nor did my brother) - he was mean, selfish and just not a very nice person to us or anyone else. Nonetheless, I did and still do grieve for him. I also grieved for the father I never had, but I did forgive him before he passed away and was present when he died.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 11 - February 17, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Milestone dates can catch us off guard and bring us to our knees. Preparing ahead of time can bring sweetness and meaning to the day. Create rituals that honor your loved one's life and legacy. Grieving Through Birthdays and Death Days « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 31 - January 6, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Normal grief is a process that varies from person to person. Prolonged Grief Disorder occurs when this process is derailed. Normal grieving is supported by joining specialized groups of mourners and cultural and religious customs. Prolonged Grief Disorder Therapy focuses on healing themes and achieving milestones as recovery progresses. Grief: What Is Normal and What Is Prolonged Grief Disorder « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 8 - October 21, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, which brings attention to the fact that tens of thousands of families across the country suffer the loss of their baby each year. It also brings awareness to the fact that the grief of these families isn’t widely acknowledged. Recognizing the Unique Grief of Bereaved Parents « Stanford Medicine

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 13 - August 19, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

Suffering the sudden death of a loved person leaves some survivors stuck in grief. Can they win their lives back – and how? When Grief Doesn't End « Aeon

Nobody chooses to hang on to grief; grief is in charge. Grief can feel like an ongoing connection with the loved one. The goal is to someday remember with more love than pain. Grief Is a Long, Tedious Slog « Psychology Today

Coping with Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

[Reviewed and updated August 13, 2024]

He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.  ~ Michel de Montaigne

A reader writes: I' m trying to deal with accepting the death of my father 6 months ago. I'm having panic attacks and I'm scared that they may start to develop into other fears.

I watched my father take his last breath and was there everyday as he slowly got worse. I want to remember him and not be afraid to think of him as it may provoke another attack.

In Grief: Sharing Sadness with A Child

It [is]our job to walk them through understanding their pain but also to be honest with them about our own.  ~ K.C. Freeman Ray

A reader writes: I recently lost my dad really suddenly, and he was only 50 and very healthy. I just wanted to talk about this because it seems there's nobody to tell. Nursing my younger brother today because he's not well. I got just an overwhelming sadness and couldn't stop crying and its weird how it doesn't even cross his mind why I might be upset because he's young? I dunno I don't get it surely even if he's a child he misses my dad too? Anyway I had to pretend I was crying because I felt ill and he was like "I never cry when I'm ill" haha.

Parent Loss: Coping with Mom's Toxic Beharior

[Reviewed and updated December 14, 2024]

We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming or cruel when we speak our truths.  ~ Melody Beattie

A reader writes: I'm having a hard time with my mom. My parents have been divorced for 20 years and frankly, my mom couldn’t stand my dad and often said so. She got a new boyfriend right when my dad died. In fact she introduced me to him while I was throwing up in her bathroom from the grief of my dad’s death two days earlier. She told me the day before the funeral that my dad was in hell. She rolls her eyes if I cry in front of her. I tried to talk to her about how much I needed her and she said I was an adult with my own kids, and I don’t need her.