Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

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A reader writes: Seven years ago I fell in love with a wonderful man I met at work. Although we never dated, we spent many wonderful hours together talking about everything and nothing. We spent a year getting to know each other, and I fell more in love every day. After I was transferred to another department, I was sure we would spend a wonderful summer getting to know each other in a more romantic atmosphere. That never happened. He didn't return my calls or emails, and never spoke to me again. I was heartbroken and never understood why he dumped my like that. Since then I have married a wonderful man, who has been a great stepfather to my children and a wonderful husband. He loves me and supports me in all I do. 
          Last month I found out that my co-worker "love" of seven years ago had died in a one-car accident earlier this year. I feel like I'm going crazy!

Caregiving and Hospice, August 19 - August 25, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Make Room for Mom: Caregiving Tips for Veterans, http://go.usa.gov/7NF via @VALasVegas

• Asking for Help in Caregiving: What Works, What Doesn't, http://j.mp/NqzgQu from @JenMarsh2 via @Caring

• 8 Ways Pets Protect People from Illness, http://j.mp/SrvsoK via Caring.com

• Coping with Violence: If Your Loved One Changes in Caregiving, http://j.mp/NGcjhW

• "Sam" Rick Phelps Dementia Services Dog, http://wp.me/pApjM-1l4 « Alzheimer's Speaks Blog

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 19 - August 25, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Secondary loss: Maggie's Cool Car - A Goodbye, http://j.mp/Qz1qZQ

• Great read! Robin Amos Kahn: How Your Loss Can Transform You, http://j.mp/PMDN3z

• Lovely! "Grief is to be trusted, not treated," http://j.mp/Ob7VGb by @survivegrief

• Grief Beyond Belief: Faith-free support for non-religious people, http://j.mp/zzbmYe

• Powerful story from Grief Digest Magazine » Growing Up, http://j.mp/PYtsTX

Coping with Pet Loss, August 19 - August 25, 2012

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Invitation to the Pinterest Pet Memorial Board, http://j.mp/L4PVbw 

Voices of Experience: Anticipatory Grief Poem ~ "Edge of Day"

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[Reviewed and updated November 6, 2017]

Only he who suffers can be the guide and healer of the suffering. ~ Thomas Mann

Grief is the normal response to significant loss, but it doesn’t necessarily wait for death or separation to happen. It can occur both following a loss and in anticipation of it. Anticipatory grief and mourning can be felt as soon as the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness is given, at the moment when we become truly aware that death may happen to us or to someone we love.

If exploratory surgery, diagnostic testing, biopsies and the like are required to determine the extent of the disease, the ambiguity and uncertainty of awaiting a definitive diagnosis can be excruciating.

Caregiving and Hospice, August 12 - August 18, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Question, answer session with director of hospice and palliative care, http://j.mp/MDLvgL from @DianeEMeier via @VNSNY_News @LisaDMorgan

• How Do You Want It to End? http://j.mp/NNL9jN by Paula Span via http://NYTimes.com

• 5 Ways to say "I'm sorry" in caregiving, http://j.mp/OnfLuF by @GlennerCenters

• New ad campaign portrays caregivers' call for help, http://apne.ws/Pp7oSc%0A News from @AP via @TheConnily

• Discussing Dying: ‘The Conversation’ About How My Dad Wants To Go, http://bit.ly/R6Ei9K via @hospicepharmacy

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 12 - August 18, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Terrific expert information on Traumatic Loss! http://j.mp/S4XEMm  « SevenPonds Blog
  
  
• Send a sympathy gift of food anywhere in the continental US from The TLC Kitchen, http://bit.ly/NMV2Sr via @TheTLCkitchen
  
  
• Getting Out From The Cloak of Grief, http://j.mp/NK0Ie0 
  
  
• Carole Brody Fleet: 15 Things You Should Never Say To The Bereaved, http://j.mp/OFWKGY
  
  
• Wonderful! Radio interview with author of Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise (Christian perspective), http://j.mp/N7KDmc via @griefminister01

Coping with Pet Loss, August 12 - August 18, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• "Help in facing the final farewell" in The Orange County Register http://j.mp/RqyXMH via @MarianneSoucy
  
  
• Find the place inside where there is joy,  http://j.mp/S5jOhA « Healing Pet Loss Blog


• New England Pet Hospice Introduction on Vimeo, http://j.mp/S5cLW3 « Pet Loss Board on Pinterest
  
  

Grief Support Online: An Invitation

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[Reviewed and updated February 22, 2024]

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.  ~ Maya Angelou

Surely one of the most painful aspects of losing a loved one to death is that somehow, on top of all our grief, we must tolerate all the insensitive comments and empty platitudes we may hear from friends, relatives and others who think that they are helping us. If they don’t know what to say, they may talk about the weather or some other mundane topic – anything except to discover how we’re doing and how we are coping. Those who are unable to face us may avoid us altogether, as if we no longer exist for them.

Sometimes people say things out of ignorance and inexperience, and we are left feeling angry, frustrated, disgusted and hurt. Stunned with shock and disbelief, we think to ourselves, “How could they say such an awful thing? Don’t they know how much it hurts?” The answer is simply that No, they don’t know, because they haven’t been where we are and they haven’t walked in our shoes.

Caregiving and Hospice, August 5 - August 11, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Good practical sense tips on how to "Take Your Oxygen First" when caregiving, http://fb.me/2lKZSLhlQ via @LeezaGibbons
  
  
• Medical student reflects on end of life care, http://lnkd.in/yQFqQK via @robingsmith
  
  
• Dr. Ira Byock on end-of-life care, http://bit.ly/MYtxlP via @hospicepharmacy
  
  
• Good things in small furry packages: even Guinea pigs can do hospice, http://bit.ly/P9Lxhk #pettherapy via @suncoasthospice
  
  
• Twitter Q&A: Join @AARPFamily for a discussion about caregiving resources on Thursday, August 16 at 2pm ET – Use Twitter hashtag #caresupport to ask questions

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 5 - August 11, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Ouch. New post, and it's brutal. Read with caution, http://j.mp/QoPw4W via @brownie1301
  
  
• Agreed: Absolutely excellent! “Real” Men and Mourning, http://j.mp/RAPYBf by @CalebWilde via @UnweddedWidow
  
  
• "Forgotten Mourners!" Who are they? What does it mean? http://conta.cc/RtmlmT via @markhundley
  
  
• If you do something to help others in grief, share it in the comments, http://www.facebook.com/grieftoolbox/posts/331946840229870?notif_t=share_comment … « The Grief Toolbox
  
  
• A beautiful sound: Add your loved one's name to the comment list, http://www.facebook.com/grieftoolbox/posts/228138287308030 …  « The Grief Toolbox

Coping with Pet Loss, August 5 - August 11, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Excellent! Why are we embarrassed to show grief over pet loss? http://bit.ly/NUIWlV via @MarianneSoucy
  
  
• Touching true story: When a child loses a pet, http://j.mp/NUPAbO by @MarianneSoucy
  
  
• Invitation to the Pinterest Pet Loss Memorial Board, http://j.mp/L4PVbw by @MarianneSoucy
  

Does Child Loss Destroy a Marriage?

[Reviewed and updated October 18, 2021]

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That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ~ Friedrich Neitzsche

A reader writes: I think we need to seek out whatever help we can to be able to balance reality against our fears . . .When we lost an infant to SIDS some time ago, the one thing that really convinced me to get help was being told that many marriages end after the loss of a child, since the couple's grief is different and they find it harder to communicate.

My response: My friend, I agree completely with your statement about seeking help and balancing reality against our fears, and I'm so pleased to know that you followed your own advice. Nevertheless, as a grief counselor, and as a wife and mother who several years ago experienced the unexpected death of our own baby, I feel a need to respond.

Caregiving and Hospice, July 29 - August 4, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• SOLACE: Sharing the wisdom of the dying, http://j.mp/PRX3ZS « SevenPonds Blog
  
  
• Must read article on caregiving, http://j.mp/N8xAg6  by Sandra Tsing Loh in @TheAtlantic via @CaregiverSN
  
  
• Important questions here: A Desperate Act, Born of Depression, http://j.mp/M9lNR8 « New York Times
  
  
• Having the Talk - An Important Gift, http://j.mp/M8MkOs « Hospice and Caregiving Blog
  
  
• Easy things you can do to help the hospice patient in your life, http://ow.ly/cFxMg via @SeasonsHospice

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 29 - August 4, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Powerful: What Mourners Long to Tell Others, http://j.mp/PQYqIn  by @griefminister01
  
  
• The Need For Motion And Movement When Mourning, http://j.mp/NXMmXS
  
  
• Symbols of grief: Memories of a Daughter Lost, http://j.mp/PsjWT3 « AARP
  
  
• When someone says to you (in your grief), "What do you need?" http://bit.ly/MfaamQ by @AudreyPellicano via @UnweddedWidow
  
  
• The Empty Chair http://j.mp/NNFYVR « Grief Digest Magazine « Blog Archive

Coping with Pet Loss, July 29 - August 4, 2012

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

• Love is sweeter the second time around, http://j.mp/NSgCpN | Life + Pet Blog|
  
  
• Grieving For Furry Children, http://j.mp/MBgAOC  | PetSafe Blog
  
  
• Pet Euthanasia Gone Bad, http://j.mp/Q4olzO #petloss | Grief Healing Blog