You Can’t Take Away Their Grief, But You Can Be There

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone who is mourning, you are wise to learn more about the grief experience and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that someone who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to reflect on your own experiences of death and grief. Recall who died, what was helpful and unhelpful to you, and how you felt during that time.

If any of the suggestions offered here don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem appropriate for you or the person you want to help, simply set them aside and consider the others.

As soon as you learn that a death has occurred, there are several things you can do right away:

Keeping the Secret of a Terminal Prognosis: Finding the Courage to Tell Those You Love

If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.  ~ George Orwell in 1984

A reader writes: I am married and the mother of three children. I have been told by my doctors that I have a rare and terminal illness. My husband and children love me and need me, and they do not know that I am dying because I cannot tell them.

How can I tell the ones who count on me that I won’t be here for them? How can I tell them that I brought them into the world with love and tears, and now I’m leaving?

My husband and children don’t know. I won’t let them know.

After a Child’s Murder: What Parents Need to Know About Guilt, Grief, and Survival

When working with families and friends of people who have been murdered I find that the operative verb is never died but was killed . . . Being killed is seen as different from dying; it's unnatural, a form of theft, an act of taking something from you and your loved ones. What is taken is a person's life and all of its promise for future joy and happiness, companionship, and accomplishment. It is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer.  ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.

In Grief: Should Young Children Attend a Funeral?

When deciding whether your child should attend a funeral or memorial service, age is not the most important consideration. Your child is part of the family, and as grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt wisely observes, children who are old enough to love are old enough to grieve.

No child is too young to attend a funeral, provided that the child is prepared for what will happen and what he or she will see at the funeral home, and is lovingly guided through the process. Shutting children out makes them feel alone and conveys the idea that death and grief are too horrible to be faced. Children need to learn that special, loved people do die—but also that there will always be somebody there to take care of them.

End of Life Care for Companion Animals

All we animal lovers ever want is to do the best for our animal. When it comes to dying, what is best can be more complex than euthanizing. There is a way to come to peace with the dying process and discover its life enriching value. Animals can teach us about this if we let them. ~ Ella Bittel, Holistic Veterinarian

Coping with the terminal illness of a cherished animal companion presents the same challenges to an animal lover as would anticipating of the death any other family member. Today hospice and palliative care for human beings provides a much needed service to the dying and to those who care for them, but finding such support for a beloved animal close to the end of life can be more difficult.

Reflecting a growing trend toward allowing companion animals a natural death at home, the concept of providing hospice and palliative care for our four-legged friends is similar to that offered for people. The focus is the same: on providing safety and comfort care in loving, familiar surroundings, rather than on aggressive treatment and cure in a hospital setting. Animal hospice is based on a belief that, with proper preparation and guidance for everyone involved, symptoms can be managed, pain can be controlled, and death can be experienced with dignity and compassion. In this way, pet hospice can be an effective alternative to euthanasia.

In Grief: Death That Brings Relief

Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs.  ~ Leo Tolstoy

For those who endure chronic pain, terminal illness, or the slow decay of degenerative conditions, death can arrive not as a feared end but as a quiet release. It is the cessation of agony, the end of a long battle fought with dwindling strength.

For the grieving, death may bring relief in a different way. Watching a loved one suffer can be an unbearable burden, and though loss is painful, there is solace in knowing their suffering has ended. In such moments, death can be seen not as the villain but as a merciful hand, granting rest to those who have endured more than their share of hardship.

To help navigate the emotions and existential questions that may arise under such challenging circumstances, the following resources are suggested:

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 19 - February 8, 2025

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed:

[T]hat a man might actually feel a profound emotional connection to his unborn child as it lives—or dies—inside someone else’s body is not a truth we’re especially comfortable with.“My body, my choice,” the longtime rallying cry of abortion rights advocates, emphasizes exactly whose body and whose choice it isn’t. In the public imagination, men’s feelings on this topic are of no consequence; some find it inconceivable that they even have feelings at all.  The Men Who Lost Their Babies « The FreePress

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 24 - November 30, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

When I count the blessings in my life, I find that what I value most are the treasures that are free: my family members and loved ones, my friends, neighbors and colleagues ~ and most certainly my clients, readers and followers ~ fellow travelers in life's journeys, as together we find our way through the challenges of caregiving, loss and grief. Counting Blessings and Giving Thanks « Grief Healing

The Burden of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.  ~ Nicholas Rowe

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Child Loss: Supporting A Sister In Grief

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heal them.  ~ Leo Tolstoy

A reader writes: My 6 year old niece died suddenly a month ago. She was a completely healthy, strong little girl, until all of a sudden she wasn't. She had been sick for a few days with a low grade fever and a headache. Her parents thought it was just the bug going around. One morning she woke up still complaining of her headache, but asking her parents if she could still go to her cheer competition the upcoming weekend. She was so excited about it. She fell back to sleep. When her father went to wake her an hour or so later, she started seizing. He rushed her to the hospital, where she continued seizing until at one point she stopped breathing and was intubated. She never woke up from that point. Once many tests had been run we were told that she was brain dead and she died from bacterial meningitis.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 14 - July 27, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:  

Yes, it is normal to feel crazy after a shattering loss. What I invite you to consider is that it is actually the loss that’s not normal. This loss came along uninvited and turned your life upside-down. Human beings are born to live and love. That’s why we are here. When a life ends, we’re simply not prepared. We can’t be fully prepared, even when a death is anticipated. Why? Because it’s human nature to want and expect life and love to continue. We’re just not made to easily welcome death into our daily lives. You’re Not Crazy – You’re Grieving Pt. 1 « AfterTalk

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 21 - April 27, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week: 

According to research from national bereavement charity Sue Ryder, gardening and nature can have a profound impact on the grieving process and 40% of the 1,000 respondents surveyed said that gardening had actually ‘saved’ them from their grief. Gardening Is 'Saving' People From Grief By Providing A Safe Space For Reflection « HuffPost

Voices of Experience: What You Want Your Loved Ones To Know When You Die

Rusty Rosman spent years helping her parents and her in-laws as they aged. Over the years, Rusty saw many of their friends and their families conflicted over final arrangements and family confrontations. After making sure the parents updated their estate planning, Rusty encouraged them to write out their final wishes for their funerals, mourning period and then, what they wanted done with their belongings that weren’t covered in their legal documents. Rusty is one of four children. Having her parents put their wishes in writing made the heartbreaking experience of a parent’s death much easier for all four of them to navigate—because they had their parents’ wishes in writing. From that experience, Two Envelopes:What You Want Your Loved Ones To Know When You Die was born. 

Here Rusty encourages us to convey our final wishes to family and loved ones by preparing our own two envelopes:

In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

A reader writes: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day I was having major surgery. Consequently, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery since I started taking care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband. It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well.

My sons are grieving, not sleeping well, and I’m working on getting them into a support group. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep, and I feel like I’m waiting for “permission” to cry. He wasn’t a terrible person, but he was an awful dad to my two boys. From what I saw, he was a great father to his new family—but that didn’t help my boys then or now.  Read on here: In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 3 - September 16, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

When a loved one dies, “things” are no longer “just things.” In everyday life, the shoes someone leaves in the middle of the room can be an ongoing nuisance. But when the person who wore them dies, those shoes left behind can become sacred. The act of moving them represents a new challenge. Picking them up acknowledges the reality that they will not be left there again.  Why You Should Resist Taking Care of "Things" for those Grieving « Nancy Berns

In Grief: Supporting Someone Soon After A Death

Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.  ~ Megan Devine

If this is your first encounter with someone in mourning, you are wise to do some reading about the grief experience, and to let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. Don’t assume that the person who seems to be experiencing little pain or sorrow is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to review your own personal experiences of death and grief, recalling who died, what was helpful and not helpful to you, and how you felt about it.

If any of the ideas suggested here don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem to suit you or the person(s) you’re wanting to help, then simply ignore them and go on to others.

As soon as you learn that a death has happened, there are several things that you can do right away.  Read on here >>>

In Grief: How Can I Go On?

You never really stop missing someone — you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. ~ Alyson Noel

A reader writes: I am so lost. My mother-in-law died a week ago. I loved her so much. She was wonderful with my children (I have four) and she raised a wonderful son. I am grateful to her for all she added to my life. For the last decade I spent time with her nearly every day. I looked forward to seeing her after taking my children to school, enjoying a cup of coffee and her company. We seldom had conversations about anything beyond the family. She offered me advice when I asked for it but never butted in or criticized. I miss her so much.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 18 - June 24 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"I found it in my 35 mm camera -- an almost complete roll of film. My heart did a few pounds more than normal -- that camera hadn't been used since the last time my husband and I went to Duke, three months before he died." In Grief: Preserving Memories « Grief Healing

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 23 - April 29, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

People in acute grief are especially vulnerable and may be very private or open to interacting with others about the details. Though the expression of sorrow may be sincere, one's personal beliefs may not be shared by the acutely bereaved. Being present and simply expressing sorrow for the person's loss is usually well-received.  What Not to Say to Someone Acutely Grieving « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 19 - February 25, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Everyone's grief is different. Good intentions don't necessarily bring good advice. Giving advice can be a subtle route to power. Why You Can Ignore Advice About Grief « Psychology Today