The Second Year of Grief: Why It Can Hurt Even More

Sometimes the first anniversary of his death is one of peace when we realize that we managed to survive the worst year of our life, but then we wake up to the second year and find a whole other set of challenges to meet.   — Pat Bertram

 A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days? For me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy, Marty? I have not dreamed of my beloved since he went to Heaven, except for a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him. No one will say his name, and I am trying desperately to understand all of this. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him, I did something wrong? I feel that way.

My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder, and she was so right. Am I the only person who feels this way?

Missing My Father: Learning to Live With the Pain of Loss

There is no expiration date on the love between a father and his child.  — Jennifer Williamson

A reader writes: I recently lost my father, and I am unable to handle my loss. I don't know why, but I want to dig him up and bring him back to life. I am so sad and lonely without my father, and I have never experienced anything like this before. I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not, but I do know that I need help. I do have people around me who love me and are there for me, but it just isn't enough. Can you please write me back with any advice as soon as possible?

After a Child’s Murder: What Parents Need to Know About Guilt, Grief, and Survival

When working with families and friends of people who have been murdered I find that the operative verb is never died but was killed . . . Being killed is seen as different from dying; it's unnatural, a form of theft, an act of taking something from you and your loved ones. What is taken is a person's life and all of its promise for future joy and happiness, companionship, and accomplishment. It is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer.  ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.

Making Time and Space for Grief

It is said that Time soothes mourning ~ No, Time makes nothing happen; it merely makes the emotivity of mourning pass. ~ Roland Barthes

A reader writes: The selfishness in me is getting the best of me right now. I know grieving is normal but this takes the cake. I do agree with the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, as I have to do that each and every day. I have 3 kids to live for and take care of. (I love doing that). I can also tell when I step over my own two feet ~ you know the feeling, as if it’s your first day on your new feet, it is a hard day. And not having the choice to stay in bed is hard but I cannot. Not any day! Let me ask this question: Do you think that because we (I) have to go go go every day that it makes it even harder and longer that we take to heal because we have not had the chance to hide and cry and however we do grief?

Understanding and Managing Grief, September8 - September 21, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

In my grief, I’ve learned to avoid resenting others’ inability to understand my loss and focus on sharing the overwhelming goodness of my brother’s character with those not lucky enough to have known him. I love to talk about him and am thankful for friends who give me the opportunity to do so. As I readjusted to campus life in the weeks following Matthew’s death, I realized I couldn’t compartmentalize my grief. There’s never any good time to process loss, and the task is never completed. Being thrust back into mundanity, however difficult, taught me I had to find ways to incorporate the memory of Matthew into each day — with tears or with smiles, with a story about him or a call to my family. I just have to process it everyday. Navigating Grief on the College Campus « The Loyola Phoenix

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 6 - August 12, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

Highlighting the dissonance between clinical diagnosis and the human experience of grief, new research sheds light on the controversial inclusion of Prolonged Grief Disorder in DSM-5-TR. Is Grief a Disorder? New Research Challenges the Psychiatrization of Mourning « Mad In America

Finding Joy in Grief?

[Reviewed and updated February 2, 2025]

For we have shared many griefs, but they are translated into pure love and rejoicing when we meet. ~ May Sarton

A reader writes: I am reading a wonderful little book Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman and I have a question for you. I have found this book of daily readings to be of great comfort to me. It has helped me survive one day at a time. Like the daily book readings, some days are better than others. I find that some readings are very difficult for me to comprehend. Overall, I can still recommend the book, but it is not perfect! 

Grief In The Second Year: "Harder And More Painful Now"

A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days? For me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy Marty? I have not dreamed of my beloved since he went to Heaven, except a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him, no one will say his name and I am trying desperately to understand this all. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him that I did something wrong? I feel that way. My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder and she was so right, am I the only person that feels this way?  Read on here >>>

Looking for Answers in Grief

[Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

A reader writes: I have never been a religious person. But it seems that when you have such a tragedy in your life like losing a husband of 40 years that you seem to turn that way because you are looking for an answer. All the books that I seem to read talk about the plan that God has in store for you. Why I get so upset is that I was completely happy with my old plan - being with the love of my life until we were, say, 90 years old (not just 60). So why take my wonderful plan away and make me so miserable because He has a plan for me?

Finding A Friend in Grief

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.  ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

A reader writes: Marty, I just wanted to write and thank you for your Grief Healing Discussion Groups website. It's been 6 months since I lost my horse, Domino. I know you recently heard from my friend, Anita, who lost her dog shortly after I lost Domino last August. Although Anita lives in Canada and I live in the States, we have developed a wonderful friendship via email and telephone calls.

In Grief: Are You A Christian?

When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that is my religion.  ~ Abraham Lincoln

A reader writes: The poetry I read on your website's Comfort for Grieving Hearts page seemed to point people to God and Heaven. I was curious, are you a Christian, and do your books and writings dealing with coping, also point to God as our greatest source of comfort? We lost my dad earlier this year, and my brother-in-law last week. My family is definitely hurting, and just wanted to know a little bit more about you and your books -- if you don't mind to share?

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 18 - April 24, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief, the experts tell us, is not an emotion, like sadness, but a process by which we come to terms with loss. Seen through that lens, in different ways and for different reasons, we are all grieving right now. Face to Face: Grief in the Time of COVID « UMB News 

In Grief: Searching for Meaning

[Reviewed and updated September 9, 2025]  

Never stop just because you feel defeated. The journey to the other side is attainable only after great suffering.  ~ Santosh Kalwar

A reader writes: What’s the point in life, when it’s too often filled with more pain than joy?

My response: You’ve asked a very important question, my dear. At various points in my own life, I’ve found myself asking much the same question, which I suppose is what calls me to keep searching for answers (not unlike yourself).

Coping with Grief In The Second Year

[Reviewed and updated August 10, 2023]

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.  ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

A reader writes: How does one deal with the overwhelming grief at 14 months and 9 days....for me it is harder and more painful now. Am I crazy Marty? I have not dreamed of my husband since he went to Heaven, except a nightmare the night he died, that they lost him in the tunnels in the hospital. I can't feel him, no one will say his name and I am trying desperately to understand this all. Does it mean that since I cannot dream or feel him that I did something wrong? I feel that way. My doctor/therapist told me that the second year may be harder and she was so right, am I the only person that feels this way?

In Grief: Seeking Help for Father Loss

A reader writes: I recently lost my father and I am unable to handle my loss. I don't know why, but I want to dig him up and bring him back to life. I am so sad and lonely without my father and I have never experienced anything like this before. I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not but I do know that I need help. I do have people around me who love me and are there for me, but it just isn't enough. Can you please write me back with any advice as soon as possible.  Read on here >>>

Voices of Experience: Death Is But A Dream

But at the time of transition, your guides, your guardian angels, people whom you have loved and who have passed on before you, will be there to help you. We have verified this beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I say this as a scientist. There will always be someone to help you with this transition.
~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

In his extraordinary and beautiful book, Death Is But a Dream: Finding Hope and Meaning at Life’s End, hospice physician Christopher Kerr, MD, PhD shares his patients' stories and his own research pointing to death as not purely the end of life, but as a final chapter of humanity and transcendence. Drawing on interviews with over 1,400 patients and more than a decade of quantified data, Dr. Kerr reveals why pre-death dreams and visions are remarkable events that bring comfort and exemplify human resilience. Different from regular dreams and described as "more real than real," they frequently include loved ones long gone and mark the transition from distress to acceptance.

In Grief: Taking Time to Mourn

Find the latest version of this post here:

Making Time and Space for Grief

A reader writes: The selfishness in me is getting the best of me right now. I know grieving is normal but this takes the cake. I do agree with the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, as I have to do that each and every day. I have 3 kids to live for and take care of. (I love doing that). I can also tell when I step over my own two feet ~ you know the feeling, as if it’s your first day on your new feet, it is a hard day. And not having the choice to stay in bed is hard but I cannot. Not any day! Let me ask this question: Do you think that because we (I) have to go go go every day that it makes it even harder and longer that we take to heal because we have not had the chance to hide and cry and however we do grief?

As to asking Why? and Why Not? Why not the bad people, the ones who do wrong and don't ask for forgiveness? Well one answer that my brother told me was that God does not want bad souls in heaven only angels and my mom is an Angel 100%. I have also been told that we each and everyone one of us is put here on earth to accomplish something and once we do it’s time to go Home so to speak. I realize that people die its natural but why my mom? Her life was hard enough and she suffered for many years on personal things so that this cancer she had was a piece of cake. Mom survived breast cancer years and years before. I know that it is not our choice in the matter. I do want my mom back. I see every time I turn on the TV about a cancer breakthrough yea thanks is all I can say at this time. Please forgive me in my mood writing its just this is the 1st time of losing someone and have no idea how to get through it!!!!!!!!! Its been 3 months and 4 days. Thanks. 

Grief and Resilience: Suggested Resources

Credit: Barrie Johnson, Unsplash

[Reviewed and updated November 7, 2021]

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.  ~ Helen Keller

A reader writes: Do you have any suggestion of articles about grief and resilience? I am a bit confused about resilience. I've been targeted with that word/advice which to me doesn't make sense with what I'm going through. So, I would like to learn more. Thanks in advance.

My response: Quite a bit has been written on the topic of resilience, some of which specifically addresses grief and mourning, and some of which is more general in nature. Here is just a sampling:

Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything - Book by Lucy Hone

The Other Side of Sadness: What The New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss - Book by George A. Bonanno

Soaring Spirits Resilience Center - The Soaring Spirits Resilience Center takes a unique approach to compiling research-informed tools and resources by harnessing the power of shared experience. The research of the Soaring Spirits Resilience Center is made possible by a huge community of widowed people. Every stage of our research and program design has been created by widowed men and women who are making meaning from their own grief experiences by participating in the creation of tools and resources that will aid the widowed people who come after them.

Getting Mojo Back: Tools to Help Grief-Stricken People to Develop Resilience  - Resilience is like a muscle. One can build it over a period of time.  That is what counselors, psychologists, doctors, and experts propound. Owing to the pandemic, sharing grief has become much more difficult with many people unable to give or receive a hug during times of tragedy. Option B, a global portal dedicated to building resilience, is for such people. 

Resilience is about falling into your own strength by Jerri Clark - Lately I’ve been pondering the word resilience. It doesn’t mean keeping your chin up and being okay no matter what happens. It DOES NOT MEAN THAT. Our society has such a limited collective opinion about human emotion. Bright, bubbly happiness gets way too much press. There’s this weird misunderstanding that resilience must be gifted to some souls like the tap of a fairy wand—a “blessing.” (That’s a word I despise, but not the topic of this short essay.) People seem to believe that resilience either is or isn’t a strength of theirs and miss the whole point that resilience is a skill to be cultivated.

Sheryl Sandberg talks grief, resilience and 'Option B' - On this episode of Recode Decode, hosted by Kara Swisher, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg stopped by to talk about the events that led to her new book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.

Option B: Build Resilience in the Face of Adversity - OptionB.Org is dedicated to helping you build resilience in the face of adversity—and giving you the tools to help your family, friends, and community build resilience too. Here, you can read and share personal stories, join groups for solidarity and support, and find information from experts.

Brokenness, Sorrow, and Resilience in Loss by Thomas Attig - Today I want to tell you some stories to illustrate what I've learned about brokenness, sorrow, and resilience, and especially about what enables us to relearn the world following loss.  

Is There a Connection Between Grief and Resilience? - We're sure you've heard this quote from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: 'That which does not kill us makes us stronger.' Over the years, many grieving individuals have found the truth within his words: while it sometimes feels as if you'll die from the emotional, psychological and physical effects of grief, there is the potential for self-growth within the experience of bereavement. Here we look at the relationship between grieving and the development of greater resilience.

An Interview with George Bonanno on Bereavement  - Dr. Bonanno describes lessons learned from his 30 year research career studying bereavement (grief in response to the death of a significant other). His findings debunk many grief myths that are widely held, including the notion that grief is always a drawn out process, and that it proceeds as a predictable series of stages. In reality, many people get over their losses fairly quickly. Rather than stages, the typical experience is more like periods of sadness that gradually get less intense. It is also the case that people normally experience intense happy emotions during bereavement as well as sad ones, moving back and forth between the two, with both emotions tending to be intensely felt but brief in duration. 

Resilience Alliance - a research organization that focuses on resilience in social-ecological systems as a basis for sustainability.

All About Resilience - Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes.

The Road to Resilience - This brochure is intended to help readers with taking their own road to resilience. The information within describes resilience and some factors that affect how people deal with hardship. Much of the brochure focuses on developing and using a personal strategy for enhancing resilience.

Resilience.org - We like to think of [this] site as a community library with space to read and think, but also as a vibrant café in which to meet people, discuss ideas and projects, and pick up and share tips on how to build the resilience of your community, your household, or yourself.

Resilience Development in Children - Science tells us that some children develop resilience, or the ability to overcome serious hardship, while others do not. Understanding why some children do well despite adverse early experiences is crucial, because it can inform more effective policies and programs that help more children reach their full potential.

How People Learn to Become Resilient - Perception is key to resilience: Do you conceptualize an event as traumatic, or as a chance to learn and grow?

Building Resilience - Can resilience be measured and taught? Thirty years of scientific research has put the answers to these questions within our reach.

How to Make Stress Your Friend - Psychologist Kelly McGonigal outlines how we can build resilience by connecting with and caring for other people during times of stress.

Stress: The Roots of Resilience - Most people bounce back from trauma — but some never recover. Scientists are trying to work out what underlies the difference.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Related:

• 6 Coping Skills to Work Through Grief
• Finding Meaning In Your Loss
• Grief In the Second Year: Finding Your Way
• Grief: Understanding The Process
• Resilience After Loss
• Talking to Fear
• The Thereness of Grief

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH

In Grief: How Long Will This Pain Go On?

[Reviewed and updated February 12, 2024]

Although there is no magical cure for the pain of losing a person you love, forming a bond with others who know your struggle may make the path a little bit less lonely. ~ Karen Johnson

A reader writes: I recently lost my precious angel wife after 40 years of marriage. I visited your Grief Healing site and the discussion groups. It seems that everywhere I go including the discussion groups I'm hearing those who are grieving over a loved one saying pretty much the same thing, "It still hurts almost as bad after x number of years," and it doesn't seem to matter what number you replace the x with. I am feeling like there's no tomorrow right now or at least I don't care if there is one.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 23 - July 29, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Struggling with Grief? You Need Not Struggle Alone, http://j.mp/2uJT0wl « Self Healing Expressions

Reject the 'J' Word that Devastates Grievers, http://j.mp/2v6dr9c « Stunned By Grief

Grief Identity Crisis: Who are we now? http://j.mp/2v4DZYp « The Grief Toolbox