Grieving Without Numbing The Pain

Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim.— Margaret Gerner

A reader writes: It's been a terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad—at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the U.S. I've had all three children, plus one daughter-in-law, with me this past month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died.

I made the trip to the airport fine. I was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears, and drive home again. Altogether, it was a four-hour trip. When I got home from the airport, I collapsed into tears. It was still early, so the two sons who are staying with me—for now—were still asleep. I took a sedative, then had a glass of wine, followed by another. Nothing helped.

I never drink in the morning. I'm not even usually a drinker, and I'm not the type to use sedatives or sleeping pills. Now I'm wondering if I'm headed down the road to addiction.

Missing My Father: Learning to Live With the Pain of Loss

There is no expiration date on the love between a father and his child.  — Jennifer Williamson

A reader writes: I recently lost my father, and I am unable to handle my loss. I don't know why, but I want to dig him up and bring him back to life. I am so sad and lonely without my father, and I have never experienced anything like this before. I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not, but I do know that I need help. I do have people around me who love me and are there for me, but it just isn't enough. Can you please write me back with any advice as soon as possible?

In Grief: Doing The Work of Mourning

If I think of the real work of grief as doing whatever I can to keep my heart open, to feel and to face every stitch of both pain and love, without somehow abandoning myself in the process, well – that’s “work” I can get behind. That’s work I understand. ~ Megan Devine

A reader writes: It has been a year and 3 months since my best friend died. I think I've moved thru alot of the intensity of my grief and now what I feel left with is something similar to the wreckage after a train wreck. I feel so afraid...so removed from the person I used to be. I am not myself...my old self. I kinda expected that, but I feel so unmoved by life right now. Nothing seems to thrill me...in fact everything seems to be a struggle to do.

In Grief: "Time For Me to Write My Experiences"

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. ~ Anaïs Nin

A reader writes: I'm not sure what I'm writing here..but felt compelled to say something.  I have been on a horrendous journey since my husband died 4 yrs ago.  Every trauma has hit the children and me.....tonight my son aged 13 who is very ill came to my bed.....he couldn't sleep and was in terrible pain...I don't know how or why..but for the second time over the past few years I did hands-on healing on his stomach....which was an incredible experience for him and me...and that resulted in our best chat together in four years, and he fell asleep.....all I realized was that I had not protected myself from taking his pain....and I became acutely aware of some "talents" that I have........I rushed downstairs and searched the Net, to find information on healing....and then psychic surgery...and then somehow I got to your site!!!

Making Time and Space for Grief

It is said that Time soothes mourning ~ No, Time makes nothing happen; it merely makes the emotivity of mourning pass. ~ Roland Barthes

A reader writes: The selfishness in me is getting the best of me right now. I know grieving is normal but this takes the cake. I do agree with the idea of putting one foot in front of the other, as I have to do that each and every day. I have 3 kids to live for and take care of. (I love doing that). I can also tell when I step over my own two feet ~ you know the feeling, as if it’s your first day on your new feet, it is a hard day. And not having the choice to stay in bed is hard but I cannot. Not any day! Let me ask this question: Do you think that because we (I) have to go go go every day that it makes it even harder and longer that we take to heal because we have not had the chance to hide and cry and however we do grief?

Coping With STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

Using Alcohol to Cope with Grief

Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim.  ~ Margaret Gerner

A reader writes: It's been terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad - at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the US. I've had all three kids plus one daughter-in-law with me this last month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died. I made the trip fine, was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears and drove home again. Altogether a four hour trip. I got home from the airport, and collapsed into tears. It was early, so the two sons left at home - at least for now - were still asleep. I took a sedative, then a glass of wine, then one more glass of wine. Nothing helped.

Acceptance, Closure, and "Moving On" in Grief

Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it. ~ Michael J. Fox

A reader writes: This just isn’t something I can live with. I want to see my dad more than anything in the world. I can’t even go near the words “closure” or “accept.” My friend, who never lost anyone, even a pet, in her life, told me in a matter-of-fact, cheery voice, “You gotta get over it, right? Pick yourself up. Go out and live life. Your dad would have wanted you to be out there, I bet.” I almost hung up on her. I know she meant well, but I was so upset by that.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 22 - October 28, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

After-death communications (ADCs) occur in people of all faiths, as well as agnostics and atheists. ADC experiences often leave a sense of comfort and healing in the wake of grief. Even as religious affiliation is on the decline, ADCs and belief in the afterlife seem to be increasing. After-Death Communication Experiences May Promote Healing « Psychology Today

New Year Resolutions for The Bereaved

Nothing relieves and ventilates the mind like a resolution. ~ John Burroughs

A reader writes: It has been 10 weeks now since my husband died, and I’m noticing that I cannot concentrate on things like I used to. I just daydream so much about him – good things and bad. Also my memory is not so good lately which surprises me. I just write down a to-do list for myself often so that my life won’t completely fall apart. I can’t seem to decide on what to do a lot of the time, and I change my mind so much that I don’t want to promise people anything.

In Grief: Mourning An Elderly Parent

[Reviewed and updated November 12, 2024]

There is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressible- a wound that will never quite heal. ~ Susan Wiggs

A reader writes: Yesterday was the 4th month anniversary of my Mom's death. I still feel that after this time I have not fully grieved over her, or that if I do, I will not emerge from the pit of despair. I have been beset by material problems that have distracted me from grief, problems that are connected with her death. I feel that my mind is fracturing, that I am being hemmed in and trapped by everything, and there will be no end to this suffering. It is a constant companion that seems to not ever want to leave.

Coping with Longing in Grief

[Reviewed and updated August 24, 2026]

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.  ~ Thomas Campbell

A reader writes: At the age of 47, I have suddenly lost the most significant person in my whole life. He was my first and only true love. I just cannot go on. I will not harm myself but I know my heart needs to find his. I am empty -- lifeless without him -- I sometimes lay my head down at night and want him to come to me and take me with him. I have not felt his presence and crave it every single second of every single day. I have lost many people close to me including my dad but this pain is unbearable. I don't believe I have ever loved this deeply in my life and I have many loved ones around me. The only comfort I crave is to be in his arms again -- so I ache for something that I will never have.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 13 - February 19, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The grief of chronic illness extends beyond grief over the loss of our health. We mourn the loss of our place in the world. 4 Losses We Mourn With Chronic Illness « MSN

In Grief: Widower Tries Going It Alone

A reader writes: My wife passed away in hospice five weeks ago. Since then I went home and had scant support from outside sources, to some degree by choice, and I've done everything mostly alone. Hospice people have called and sent literature, and I just couldn't accept my wife's death enough to respond.

I was her caregiver and basically her nurse for years, without alot of outside help, it was all left up to us. I know she would have died much sooner if we both hadn't fought the powers that be to get her the treatment she needed and keep her out of the nursing homes. I wasn't going to do much with hospice, I was and am seeking counsling on my own though. Which should start in the next few weeks. I just happened to look up "grief" on the computer and yours is the first website I looked at. 

I'm still filled with grief, so many unresolved issues to do with my wife. We were so much in love,we spent every possible minute together. I was with her holding her in my arms when she took her last breath.

This is my first one-to-one time that I've reached out. I need coping skills, can you help me?  Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 3 - January 9, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Why processing the death of your mother is critical to your personal growth. How To Find Freedom From Grief « Essence  

There are birth certificates and death certificates. But this one new piece of paper has helped families deal with their grief after the loss of a baby or child. How 'certificates of life' can help parents grieving the loss of a baby « ABC Everyday

In Grief: I Hereby Resolve

Nothing relieves and ventilates the mind like a resolution. ~ John Burroughs

A reader writes: It has been 10 weeks now since my husband died, and I’m noticing that I cannot concentrate on things like I used to. I just daydream so much about him – good things and bad. Also my memory is not so good lately which surprises me. I just write down a to-do list for myself often so that my life won’t completely fall apart. I can’t seem to decide on what to do a lot of the time, and I change my mind so much that I don’t want to promise people anything.

In Grief: Longing to Feel A Loved One’s Presence After Death

Find an updated version of this post here:

Coping with Longing in Grief

A reader writes: At the age of 47, I have suddenly lost the most significant person in my whole life. He was my first and only true love. I just cannot go on. I will not harm myself but I know my heart needs to find his. I am empty -- lifeless without him -- I sometimes lay my head down at night and want him to come to me and take me with him. I have not felt his presence and crave it every single second of every single day. I have lost many people close to me including my dad but this pain is unbearable. I don't believe I have ever loved this deeply in my life and I have many loved ones around me. The only comfort I crave is to be in his arms again -- so I ache for something that I will never have.

Helping A Friend with Child Loss

[Reviewed and updated September 10, 2023]

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.  ~ Walter Winchell

A reader writes: My dear, dear friend and her husband recently lost her two young children in a horrific accident. I so wish I could take some of her pain away. But, I just don't know how to help her. I try to spend time with her and her husband, just listening and holding her, but I feel as if there's nothing I can do for her. I mean, it's not like it makes her feel better, my being there. Her loss is just too big. Can you please advise me on how to help her???

In Grief: Seeking Help for Father Loss

A reader writes: I recently lost my father and I am unable to handle my loss. I don't know why, but I want to dig him up and bring him back to life. I am so sad and lonely without my father and I have never experienced anything like this before. I don't know if this is a normal reaction or not but I do know that I need help. I do have people around me who love me and are there for me, but it just isn't enough. Can you please write me back with any advice as soon as possible.  Read on here >>>

Does Information on The First Year of Grief Still Apply in The Second Year?

Sometimes too late is just in time.  ~ C.J. Carlyon

A reader writes: I wrote to you a while ago about the loss of my dad in an accident and issues regarding my brother who was unable to save him. I am so grateful for your detailed suggestions and I have taken your advice and have seen positive results with the conversations that have evolved with my brother. I look at the Grief Healing Discussion Groups forum daily and even have my mom reading the posts. They help us both. Sometimes, I would like to write something myself but since my mom reads them, I am afraid that she would know it was me and it would make her feel worse if she knew of all the junk going on in my head.