Coping With STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 10 - December 16, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Grief is a process that we must engage with in order to heal and ultimately experience joy. Grief can be more severe or prevalent during the holidays; it's important to make space for your grief. Everyone grieves; no one escapes this universal experience of being human. What Anderson Cooper Gets So Right About Grief « P ychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 2 - July 8, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Public trauma, or vicarious trauma, refers to indirect exposure to a potentially traumatic event. Watching the news, listening to a survivor’s story, or witnessing a tragic event can cause vicarious trauma. When left unaddressed, public trauma can manifest in the psyche, causing PTSD-like symptoms. How to Heal From Public (Vicarious) Trauma « Psychology Today

In Grief: College Student Struggling with Too Many Losses

[Reviewed and updated April 25, 2025]

What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us. ~ Helen Keller

A reader writes: I don't know what to say, what to do, or where to go anymore. I have lost four very good friends within a 10 month time span -- two to death, one to multiple strokes and the other is in a psych institution for the entirety of his life. They were all my good friends, friends I trusted, friends I confided in, friends I did things with; they were all I had, and, now, they are gone. I am lost, sad, alone, and as each and every day goes by I get lonelier and lonelier without them.

In Grief: Coping With Infant Loss

Source

[Reviewed and updated October 23, 2023]

I remember the people I love who have died even though it brings my heart deep sadness. Not to remember them feels like I'm living a lie and like they are dying twice. ~ Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

My husband Michael and I were just out of college when we married in 1965. Less than two years later we were mourning the unexpected death of our second son, who succumbed to an Rh incompatibility when he was barely three days old.

Our baby David Luke Tousley was delivered via C-section on May 23, 1967, after what we thought had been a normal, full-term pregnancy. He died three days later, on May 26.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 9 - September 15, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

It is a scary thing to fall in love again after loss, https://tinyurl.com/y8jrlrzj « Second Firsts

Book Review: "The Cremation of Sam McGee" by Robert Service,  http://j.mp/2MpQzWV « Seven Ponds Blog

Terminally Ill Father "Walks" Daughter Down The Wedding Aisle, http://j.mp/2MvizIv « Seven Ponds Blog

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 10 - September 16, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Yes, You Can Measure Grief And Here’s How, http://j.mp/2h9xnT9 « Grieve Well

Remembering the 'Lasts,' http://j.mp/2eZW8wV « Open to Hope

I Can't Live Without You, http://j.mp/2eZSGSZ « Mourning Coffee for the Mourning Soul

In Grief: Can I Do This By Myself?

[Reviewed and updated March 6, 2021]

If I think of the real work of grief as doing whatever I can to keep my heart open, to feel and to face every stitch of both pain and love, without somehow abandoning myself in the process, well – that’s “work” I can get behind. That’s work I understand.  ~ Megan Devine

A reader writes: I have only talked to you a couple of times and I am hoping that you can help me out. I am feeling so lost and empty right now that I just want to get in bed and pull the covers over my head, hide and cry. I know that you will say that is normal but I am 32 years old and have never had to deal with the loss of someone. For my first to be my mom, when we used to talk all the time and spend a lot of time together, and for her to leave me—I am so hurt and lost and misplaced. I am hurting so bad. I hate reading books. I get so side-tracked that it does not stick, and the thought of going to a counselor? No thanks. The last one I went to made me feel like I was wasting his time and offered no advice. I used to be so full of life and always had a smile on my face and now nothing.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 4 - June 10, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

It's hard to articulate grief after a suicide – but we still need support, http://bit.ly/2s4W9rh  « The Guardian

Powerful: The Gifts We Give, The Gifts We Are, http://bit.ly/2s4ZmqB « On Being

Finding the Strength You Need, http://bit.ly/2r18Obr « Open to Hope

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 26 - May 2, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

After a spouse's suicide: Scared of the Anger, http://j.mp/1QYaZo9 « Widow's Voice

Tips for Who Should Be In Your Grief Support System, http://j.mp/1GCKsob « GriefMinisterDotCom

5 Things to Do Before Visiting a Psychic Medium, http://j.mp/1EVRgCn « Modern Loss

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 12 - April 18, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Find Your Way With a Labyrinth, http://j.mp/1bcWcFK « SevenPonds Blog

How Can a Labyrinth Help in the Grieving Process? Lauren Artress Interview, Part 2, http://j.mp/1CYghqd « SevenPonds Blog

Kaleidoscope: Rearranging the Pieces After Loss, http://j.mp/1FTOnfN « Open to Hope

In Grief: Family Resists Widow's Readiness to Move Forward

[Reviewed and updated November 13, 2022]

If [one's] character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relative to do the business.  ~ William Makepeace Thackeray

A reader writes: I am looking for advice. Almost six years ago my husband of ten years and the father of my children died. The kids were ages 5 and 3 at the time, and now they are 11 and 9. Neither child has any physical memory of their father and almost all of their memories are based on my recollections. I re-partnered three years ago and we began living together in December last year.      
          My extended family members have all found it difficult to accept my new partner. As a result we have little or no contact, which is fine with me. I had always found my relationship with my family members very strained and had little to do with them during our marriage, so letting them go in the end was for me a relief.

          I don't want to end our relationship altogether, but I find it all too much to be reminded continually of my dead husband’s lively personality, along with my parents' insistence on putting him on a pedestal.

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 21 - September 27, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Jewish Mourning Tradition of Shiva, http://j.mp/1yuyQFg « SevenPonds Blog

National Day of Remembrance for Murder Victims, http://j.mp/YnakFi « Grief Digest Magazine

Supporting Angry Bereaved Children, http://j.mp/1t33TPY « Kids' Grief Relief

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 14 - September 20, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Obligation to Replenish When Mourning, http://j.mp/1rqkyAC « Ezine Articles

Growth and Grief Resources (in print), http://j.mp/1wwSID0 « What's Your Grief?

New book to help children express feelings, navigate difficulties: The Rhino Who Swallowed a Storm, http://j.mp/1r7x0Un « Amazon

Grief: Understanding The Process

[Reviewed and updated May 30, 2026]

Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making.  ~ Stephanie Ericsson

Few of us are prepared to face the excruciating pain associated with the death of a loved one. We think we cannot bear it, that to feel such sorrow is abnormal, as if we're going mad. Yet loss is a natural part of life's cycle of growth, decay and rebirth. We know that when someone dearly loved is lost, certain feelings and reactions will be experienced by most people. Still, there is no rule book that works for everyone, because how we experience grief ~ and for how long ~ is uniquely personal and distinct. Finding your way through grief successfully requires some knowledge and understanding of the grief process, and a willingness to do the work of mourning.

In Grief: Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

Find the updated version of this post here:

Coping with STUGs (Subsequent Temporary Upsurges of Grief

If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.  ~ Beth Mende Conny

A reader writes: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry. But at other times, it may take a day or two before I can bounce back. I’ve had these extreme shutdown spells so many times now, you’d think I would have learned a little about how to cope with them, or at least have some forewarning that another spell is coming on so I could prepare. But I don’t understand it—each time it happens, it’s like the first time and I’m caught by surprise. Why am I not getting any better at predicting or handling these crises?

I know I need to pay attention to my grief, and I do. But I’d like to have better control over the shutdown spells because I don’t know what to do when their timing creates problems in the rest of my life. For example, I had an extended shutdown spell just when I was struggling to complete an important project at work. There was much work to be done, and the deadline could not be postponed. I almost didn’t deliver on time because during my shutdown I was too paralyzed to do anything but cry! That’s my dilemma – grief by itself is difficult enough to live with, but the stress intensifies when life and work make demands during my shutdown times. When things are that bad for me, telling myself to “suck it up” and press ahead isn’t helpful – it’s like trying to run a marathon an hour after open heart surgery.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 20 -July 26, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"Cowbells Ring... are you listening?" http://j.mp/1xc7m1h « GriefCorner

100 Songs about Grief and Loss, No. 2 http://j.mp/1qFfFF6 « What's Your Grief?

Waiting [for another grief attack], http://j.mp/1t4mwYE « Widow's Voice

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 8 - June 14, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Supporting Kids Who Can't Remember Their Dads This Father's Day http://j.mp/1y1Y0bu « What's Your Grief ?

Grief, Mindfulness and Alcohol, http://j.mp/18FKP3i « What's Your Grief ?

After Death Communication: Uncovering The Richer Connections in Our Signs, http://j.mp/1kwpGv0 « The Grief Toolbox

Understanding and Managing Grief, March 30 - April 5, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

How Can Afterlife Communication Aid The Grieving Process? An Interview With Terri Daniel, http://j.mp/1kd9CUQ « Seven Ponds Blog

Metamorphosis: Reflections on the process of grief, http://j.mp/1fWHL3R « Personal Growth and Grief Support Center

Mother Loss: When Will the Crying Stop? Q & A by Grief Counselor, http://ow.ly/vghoA « Self-Healing Expressions

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 16 - February 22, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Sometimes You’re Sad ~ It's Only Natural, http://j.mp/1jo9AG7 « Einstein's Gifts

Yes! Everyone Grieves Differently, http://j.mp/MNNuBq « Alive in Memory

Grief Frenemies: How "sometimes a friend/ sometimes and enemy" applies to grief, http://j.mp/1cB1isD « TewksburyPatch