When Grief Comes Without Tears

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.  ~ F. Alexander Magoun 

A reader writes: My only sibling and big brother passed away six months ago. He was 30 years old. I used to be able to cry. I mean, I would cry at work when things got stressful, cry after fighting with friends, or cry when I was frustrated. My brother passes away, and no tears. No tears at the funeral home. No tears at the hospital. No tears at the funeral. And no tears six months later.

In Grief: Finding Crying Time

Sorrows which find no vent in tears may soon make other organs weep. ~ Sir Henry Maudsley

A reader writes: My sister has been very sick and only recently recovered from a serious illness, thank goodness. Thursday will be three months since my big brother died. And last night I found myself crying—really crying—for the first time. Maybe it’s because I can breathe a little easier now that my sister is more out of the woods. I've always been a caretaker. I've always put everyone I love before myself. I did that for my big brother when he was alive. And I'm doing it for my sister. I couldn't save my big brother, just as I couldn't save our father. I cried for a good couple of hours last night. My husband tried to console me, but either I just wouldn't allow it, or he was doing it wrong. I don't know really. All I know is that my big brother is gone and I'm having a hard time with his loss. He was my big brother and meant the world to me. His passing is hitting me hard.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 19 - November 25, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Knowing how to respond sensitively to someone else’s bad news is the last missing piece in the jigsaw of adulthood, the life skill most of us only realise, to our dismay, we are lacking in that particular sniper’s alley of the late 40s and 50s, when everyone is seemingly running from something and it suddenly feels very important indeed to be a good friend. These are the years of losing elderly parents, but also of early heart attacks, cancer diagnoses, of friends blindsided by now-the-kids-are-grown-and-gone divorces. Lately I’ve found myself struggling too often for the right words. There’s no right thing to say to people who are grieving, but the worst thing is fearing to speak at all « The Guardian

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 5 - November 11, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

I have lost many loved ones suddenly within the span of just a year—and this new period of my life has felt incredibly strange, confusing and chaotic. I’m used to seeing grief portrayed in movies, TV shows and even video games, but I never quite understood what it felt like to actually grieve. Nothing could have prepared me for the struggles I’ve had to face, especially as an already overwhelmed college student. A year later, though, I’ve decided to give myself the opportunity to finally talk about the realities of grief. If you’re struggling like me, then maybe you can find some comfort in my personal reflections. My journey through grief « The Case Western Reserve Observer

In Grief: Feeling Numb, Unable to Cry

A reader writes: My only sibling and big brother passed away six months ago, he was 30 years old. I used to be able to cry. I mean I would cry at work when things got stressful, and I would cry after fighting with friends, or cry if I were purely frustrated. My brother passes away and no tears. No tears at the funeral home. No tears at the hospital. No tears at the funeral. And no tears ... six months later. 

I have gotten teary-eyed but all of a sudden have the ability to shut it off. I just feel numb. I always thought that if someone were to die in my family I would go insane and weep like a banshee. My brother dies suddenly and no tears. I do feel really bad and miss him so much, but I think I'm blocking out the fact that he's gone -- but not sure about that. I just find it strange that I won't cry ... I'm thinking that down the road when I'm older I'll end up having a nervous breakdown.  Read on here >>> 

Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Why It Matters

[Reviewed and updated April 4, 2026]

A reader writes: I’ve been suffering from depression for a long time and am under the care of a psychiatrist. I went to see my doctor for the first time since my father died and was a complete wreck since I had to re-tell what happened. I was crying because it's hard to talk about Dad's sudden downfall and last day, but my psychiatrist seemed to think that I was being overly emotional. I tried to tell him that I'm not upset every day and that I didn't think that my sadness less than five months after Dad's death was abnormal. I did confess to doing some stupid things immediately after he passed and how hard some things have been, but I walked out of his office feeling like I should be over it. 

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 16 - December 22, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Christmas Eve Luminarias: A New Mexico Tradition, http://j.mp/2BC2rS2 « A Good Goodbye

Introducing the We Remember Memorialization Service, http://j.mp/2BxtvBZ « A Good Goodbye

Coping with The Holidays: Suggested Resources 2018, http://bit.ly/2AMA8Br « Grief Healing

In Grief: Coming Apart at The Seams

[Reviewed and updated October 15, 2024]

Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey. And solace comes from understanding how others have learned to sing again. ~ Helen Steiner Rice

A reader writes: I lost my Grandmother last month and I cannot seem to get control of my emotions. I am constantly in tears. I have never been this depressed and empty inside in all my life. I was given time off from work and assured that my job was not in jeopardy just get myself well and my job would be there once I returned. Apparently, I wasn't getting it together quick enough because I was informed that I would be immediately terminated tomorrow if I do not come to work.

Grief and Resilience: Suggested Resources

Credit: Barrie Johnson, Unsplash

[Reviewed and updated November 7, 2021]

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.  ~ Helen Keller

A reader writes: Do you have any suggestion of articles about grief and resilience? I am a bit confused about resilience. I've been targeted with that word/advice which to me doesn't make sense with what I'm going through. So, I would like to learn more. Thanks in advance.

My response: Quite a bit has been written on the topic of resilience, some of which specifically addresses grief and mourning, and some of which is more general in nature. Here is just a sampling:

Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything - Book by Lucy Hone

The Other Side of Sadness: What The New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss - Book by George A. Bonanno

Soaring Spirits Resilience Center - The Soaring Spirits Resilience Center takes a unique approach to compiling research-informed tools and resources by harnessing the power of shared experience. The research of the Soaring Spirits Resilience Center is made possible by a huge community of widowed people. Every stage of our research and program design has been created by widowed men and women who are making meaning from their own grief experiences by participating in the creation of tools and resources that will aid the widowed people who come after them.

Getting Mojo Back: Tools to Help Grief-Stricken People to Develop Resilience  - Resilience is like a muscle. One can build it over a period of time.  That is what counselors, psychologists, doctors, and experts propound. Owing to the pandemic, sharing grief has become much more difficult with many people unable to give or receive a hug during times of tragedy. Option B, a global portal dedicated to building resilience, is for such people. 

Resilience is about falling into your own strength by Jerri Clark - Lately I’ve been pondering the word resilience. It doesn’t mean keeping your chin up and being okay no matter what happens. It DOES NOT MEAN THAT. Our society has such a limited collective opinion about human emotion. Bright, bubbly happiness gets way too much press. There’s this weird misunderstanding that resilience must be gifted to some souls like the tap of a fairy wand—a “blessing.” (That’s a word I despise, but not the topic of this short essay.) People seem to believe that resilience either is or isn’t a strength of theirs and miss the whole point that resilience is a skill to be cultivated.

Sheryl Sandberg talks grief, resilience and 'Option B' - On this episode of Recode Decode, hosted by Kara Swisher, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg stopped by to talk about the events that led to her new book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.

Option B: Build Resilience in the Face of Adversity - OptionB.Org is dedicated to helping you build resilience in the face of adversity—and giving you the tools to help your family, friends, and community build resilience too. Here, you can read and share personal stories, join groups for solidarity and support, and find information from experts.

Brokenness, Sorrow, and Resilience in Loss by Thomas Attig - Today I want to tell you some stories to illustrate what I've learned about brokenness, sorrow, and resilience, and especially about what enables us to relearn the world following loss.  

Is There a Connection Between Grief and Resilience? - We're sure you've heard this quote from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: 'That which does not kill us makes us stronger.' Over the years, many grieving individuals have found the truth within his words: while it sometimes feels as if you'll die from the emotional, psychological and physical effects of grief, there is the potential for self-growth within the experience of bereavement. Here we look at the relationship between grieving and the development of greater resilience.

An Interview with George Bonanno on Bereavement  - Dr. Bonanno describes lessons learned from his 30 year research career studying bereavement (grief in response to the death of a significant other). His findings debunk many grief myths that are widely held, including the notion that grief is always a drawn out process, and that it proceeds as a predictable series of stages. In reality, many people get over their losses fairly quickly. Rather than stages, the typical experience is more like periods of sadness that gradually get less intense. It is also the case that people normally experience intense happy emotions during bereavement as well as sad ones, moving back and forth between the two, with both emotions tending to be intensely felt but brief in duration. 

Resilience Alliance - a research organization that focuses on resilience in social-ecological systems as a basis for sustainability.

All About Resilience - Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes.

The Road to Resilience - This brochure is intended to help readers with taking their own road to resilience. The information within describes resilience and some factors that affect how people deal with hardship. Much of the brochure focuses on developing and using a personal strategy for enhancing resilience.

Resilience.org - We like to think of [this] site as a community library with space to read and think, but also as a vibrant café in which to meet people, discuss ideas and projects, and pick up and share tips on how to build the resilience of your community, your household, or yourself.

Resilience Development in Children - Science tells us that some children develop resilience, or the ability to overcome serious hardship, while others do not. Understanding why some children do well despite adverse early experiences is crucial, because it can inform more effective policies and programs that help more children reach their full potential.

How People Learn to Become Resilient - Perception is key to resilience: Do you conceptualize an event as traumatic, or as a chance to learn and grow?

Building Resilience - Can resilience be measured and taught? Thirty years of scientific research has put the answers to these questions within our reach.

How to Make Stress Your Friend - Psychologist Kelly McGonigal outlines how we can build resilience by connecting with and caring for other people during times of stress.

Stress: The Roots of Resilience - Most people bounce back from trauma — but some never recover. Scientists are trying to work out what underlies the difference.

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Related:

• 6 Coping Skills to Work Through Grief
• Finding Meaning In Your Loss
• Grief In the Second Year: Finding Your Way
• Grief: Understanding The Process
• Resilience After Loss
• Talking to Fear
• The Thereness of Grief

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 22 - July 28, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

What to Say at a Funeral or in a Card, http://j.mp/2LDHspa « What to Say When Someone Dies

Remembering Charlie: Why Children's Palliative Care Is About Never Giving Up, http://j.mp/2LIgAB8 « HuffPost

In Grief: When Sorrow Is Delayed, http://j.mp/2LEXgod « Grief Healing

Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning An Invisible Love

[Reviewed and updated December 23, 2025]

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
~ Kahlil Gibran

A reader writes: Three months ago, I lost my friend of 11 years to breast cancer. It happened suddenly when treatment seemed to be going ok. It was a long distance, unusual and complicated friendship. Trapped in an unhappy marriage, she lived in a different country, me across the ocean. We would text, phone, Skype, email every single day. Every day. Write letters. Send gifts every Christmas. I wear clothes she bought me on most days. It wasn't just a friendship. We loved each other. And I do mean loved in the strongest possible terms. Loved. Soul mates. Eleven years. Our friendship was so beautiful. We told each other we loved each other every single day. We laughed so much together. We supported each other through the hard times. I was there for her always. She was there for me always. We never physically met.

In Grief: When the Pain of Loss Won’t Go Away

[Reviewed and updated August 10, 2023]

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.  ~ Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

A reader writes: I wrote to you some time ago regarding a friend who had died by suicide. It's been two years now, and the pain is still just as strong now as it was when I first wrote to you. I've tried talking to family and friends. I've heard that talking about it will help ease the pain. Well, it doesn't. It makes me hurt that much more.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 12 - November 18, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"Conversational Narcissism" ~ an excellent read on grief response: The Mistake I Made with My Grieving Friend, http://j.mp/2zU65pg « Oprah.com

Grief Is Good, http://j.mp/2iZZP7m « OptionB.Org

STOP! Read This Before You Post Another RIP on Social Media, http://bit.ly/2inAip5 « Grief Watch

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 28 - October 4, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Finding Grief Support That is Right for You, http://j.mp/zCUOOB « Grief Healing Blog

Funeral etiquette: Why some people behave so badly, http://j.mp/1pv8hGx « Detroit Free Press

A child's perspective: Death Is A Very, Very Long Time, But Not Forever, http://j.mp/YUM6SW « GriefMinister.com

In Grief: When Tears Won’t Come

A reader writes: My only sibling and big brother passed away six months ago, he was 30 years old. I used to be able to cry. I mean I would cry at work when things got stressful, and I would cry after fighting with friends, or cry if I were purely frustrated. My brother passes away and no tears. No tears at the funeral home. No tears at the hospital. No tears at the funeral. And no tears ... six months later.

I have gotten teary-eyed but all of a sudden have the ability to shut it off. I just feel numb. I always thought that if someone were to die in my family I would go insane and weep like a banshee. My brother dies suddenly and no tears. I do feel really bad and miss him so much, but I think I'm blocking out the fact that he's gone -- but not sure about that. I just find it strange that I won't cry ... I'm thinking that down the road when I'm older I'll end up having a nervous breakdown. Read on here >>>

Pet Loss: Is It A Different Kind of Grief?

[Reviewed and updated September 7, 2025]

The difference between friends and pets is that friends we allow into our company, pets we allow into our solitude.  ~ Robert Brault

As one who for many years has supported bereaved animal lovers as well as people mourning the loss of human loved ones, I’m often asked how losing a pet might differ from losing a person. Is the grieving process any different, and if so, how?

Having worked as a grief counselor with both kinds of loss, and having experienced both kinds of loss myself, I can say without reservation that the grief that accompanies pet loss is no different from that of losing a cherished friend or special member of the family. As I often tell my clients, love is love, loss is loss, and pain is pain. Grief is a natural, spontaneous response to the loss of someone dearly loved. Without a doubt, the loss of a loved animal companion and the feelings associated with that loss are real, and they deserve a time of grief, mourning and healing.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 16 - February 22, 2014

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Sometimes You’re Sad ~ It's Only Natural, http://j.mp/1jo9AG7 « Einstein's Gifts

Yes! Everyone Grieves Differently, http://j.mp/MNNuBq « Alive in Memory

Grief Frenemies: How "sometimes a friend/ sometimes and enemy" applies to grief, http://j.mp/1cB1isD « TewksburyPatch

Voices of Experience: Just Let Me Be Sad

Source

Since she lost her four year old daughter in a drowning accident in 2009, bereaved mom Maria Kubitz has worked hard to find ways to learn from the pain and maintain a loving, healthy environment for her four other children. She volunteers at a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, and in 2012, Maria created Alive in Memory, a supportive place where families can share precious stories of the loved ones they’ve lost. Here she writes of society's pressures to suppress and bury the pain of grief, and how she's learned to carry it instead.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 18 - August 24, 2013

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Excellent! How long does grief last? http://j.mp/156myhD « Grief Helps

Beyond Surviving: after the suicide of a loved one, http://j.mp/1f9rEiE « SevenPonds Blog

Just outstanding: The Taboo Against Trauma, http://j.mp/19Mf1Nt « Maria Shriver

On a better understanding of depression and suicide, http://j.mp/16LUMgM « Widow's Voice

Suggestions for Coping with Sorrow in Grief, http://j.mp/15337u9 « Grief Healing Blog

Coping with Sorrow in Grief

Photo credit: El Hermano Pila

[Reviewed and updated November 20, 2024]

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.  ~ Washington Irving

Although feelings of hopelessness, anguish and despair are normal following any major loss, the intensity and duration of those feelings will vary from one person to the next, as the reality of the loss becomes more apparent in daily life. You may find that the sorrow of grief saps your energy, making even simple tasks like getting out of bed in the morning, tending to personal grooming, fixing a meal or going somewhere with friends seem overwhelming and exhausting. You may feel negative and critical toward everything and everyone, including yourself. Even in the company of others you may still feel lonely, and may prefer to avoid gatherings of any size.