When a Teen Driver Carries the Weight of Guilt After a Fatal Accident

God teach us by Moments, we only know it as Accidents  ~ Dyota Narotama

A reader writes: Two weeks ago my nephew was involved in a terrible auto accident. He was driving at night during a heavy thunderstorm when one of his rear tires blew out. He lost control of his car, skidded off the highway and ended up hitting a tree. His girlfriend was in the passenger seat and did not survive the accident. My nephew is only 17 years old and is not handling this well at all. I am worried about him and don’t know what I can do to help. 

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic auto accident that took the life of your nephew’s girlfriend. I can only imagine how devastating this has been for you, your nephew, and both families. Auto crashes are among the most sudden and unanticipated of deaths, and that alone can make grieving especially complicated.

It’s very likely that your nephew believes, deep down, that he was somehow responsible for his girlfriend’s death—even though the accident was unintentional.

Dealing with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources

There is a light within each of us that need never entirely go out. We can lose the battles, but not the war. We can go on when our minds tell us that there is no point in going on- because something deep inside tells us we can go on. And we do.  ~ A. Powell Davies

A colleague writes: I am wondering if you would send me your best recommendations for dealing with traumatic loss. If you know any activities or rituals that can help a person heal that would be helpful. A coworker is dealing with a traumatic event and has asked for some help. Thanks so much.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 25 - July 1, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"Am I mentally ill? I've been told I am manic, a spoiled rotten brat and have dependent personality disorder." In Grief: Emotional Immaturity, or PTSD? « Grief Healing

Clinical experience, empirical evidence, and common sense all point to the oft-noted truism in serious illness and loss that was summarized in my friend Jim Kok’s book, now in its third edition, 90% of Helping is Just Showing Up. "Being There" is Invaluable: The Role of Presence After Loss « Grief Perspectives

In Grief: Emotional Immaturity, or PTSD?

A reader writes: I lost my mom two years ago, 43 days later my dad remarried and disinherited me for his "new" son, 6 months later my business and personal partner of 5 years walked out with no notice leaving me several million dollars in debt with construction loans. That same year two of my clients died by suicide and I was called to take care of the property including the clean-up. Four months ago I was raped by an usher in my church. For the first 2 years I worked 16-18 hours a day trying to keep up with the financial debts that were over 10K monthly. The legal financial part was over last month. I survived that on my own. I decided to take this month off just to regroup. The rape didn't even bother me until I stopped. I have no family or friends. I work out of my home. Since I stopped working around the clock, I cannot function. I have never experienced this kind of pain. I do not get dressed, I'm confused, overwhelmed, don't want to leave the house. I spoke with my minister and he told me I had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

When Grief Is Delayed and Unresolved

[Reviewed and updated May 2, 2026]

Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on.     ~ Rabindranath Tagore

A reader writes: I found your Grief Healing websites via Google and I appreciate the wonderful articles and online support you offer. I'm a man, 44, and through some wonderful recent life experiences I am just now getting in touch with some very old and very deep sadness. It feels like grief but there's no person I'm grieving over; it's the loss of a normal childhood that I'm feeling deep sadness over. Are there grief support groups on the Internet that help guide people in my situation? Thanks very much.

Childhood Sexual Abuse, Mom’s Murder Complicate A Daughter’s Grief

[Reviewed and updated July 24, 2022]

If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn.  ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

A reader writes: My Mom was murdered a year ago. She was poisoned by my father....so not only did I lose my Mom, I lost my father as well... As one could imagine, I am not dealing with reality very well. I have and still am going through counseling on a weekly basis but the pain, rage, and guilt is still very much a part of my daily life.... there have been no arrests by the police... they tell me it is one thing to know he killed her but another thing to prove it..... he fed her fatal doses of anti-freeze over time... she died a very painful death....

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, August 23 - August 29, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

64 of the hardest grief lessons learned by the What's Your Grief community, in no particular order. Keep the list growing by adding your own . . . The 64 Hardest Lessons That Grief Taught Me « What's Your Grief?

Pet Loss: PTSD Following Euthanasia Decision?

[Reviewed and updated December 2, 2025]

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really.  ~ Agnes Sligh Turnbull

A reader writes: After agonizing over this decision, I decided my beloved 16-year-old dog was no longer able to live without suffering, and I had him euthanized at home. This of course was the beginning of absolute anguish for me. Since then I have read alot, gone to grief counseling groups, conferred with a counselor, joined the APLB chatrooms (they suggested I contact your website when I told them that the chatrooms were too upsetting and intensified my pain), written copious diary entries as well as love letters to my dog, and finally, have started reading, responding and communicating with others on your website.

In Grief: Teen's Driving Results in CADI (Causing Accidental Death or Injury to Another)

A reader writes: Two weeks ago my nephew was involved in a terrible auto accident. He was driving at night during a heavy thunderstorm when one of his rear tires blew out. He lost control of his car, skidded off the highway and ended up hitting a tree. His girlfriend was in the passenger seat and did not survive the accident. My nephew is only 17 years old and is not handling this well at all. I am worried about him and don’t know what I can do to help. Read on here >>>

Voices of Experience: Four-Footed Healers Support The Team

by Michael Shannon O’Keefe

Isolation is a natural reaction to depression and grief. If you’re in the depths of depression, it can be hard to pick up the phone and call a friend. If you’ve lost of a loved one, lost your good health, or lost a relationship, you may pull inward and grieve alone.

But just because isolation is natural doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Isolation can create a spiral of despair. Depression and grief cause people to cut themselves off from friends and family, which in turn causes more depression and grief, and so on.

Talk therapy and medications are the standard treatments for these states of mind. Recent research, however, points to another way to help people escape that spiral. It’s been called the pet effect. Simply put, being around animals helps people feel less isolated, depressed, and grief-stricken.

In Grief: Coping with Deaths "Close Enough to Hurt"

Find a more recent version of this post here:

In Grief: Coping with Traumatic Loss

A reader writes: For the sixth night in a row I can't sleep. Last Monday a friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Her three children were in the car, the nine and eleven year old were perfectly fine, in fact just scratched. Her four year old was severely injured and helicoptered to another hospital. She died the next day. Mother and child were buried together in one casket. She was a friend from the past, but we had parted ways over the years. She still had a close relationship with my sister, and my niece and her eleven year old are close friends. This was not a death I would consider very close to me, although close enough to hurt. Anyway, I've become so paranoid I can't sleep.

Coping with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources

A colleague writes: I am wondering if you would send me your best recommendations for dealing with traumatic loss. If you know any activities or rituals that can help a person heal that would be helpful. A coworker is dealing with a traumatic event and has asked for some help. Thanks so much. Read on here >>>

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 12 - November 18, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

"Conversational Narcissism" ~ an excellent read on grief response: The Mistake I Made with My Grieving Friend, http://j.mp/2zU65pg « Oprah.com

Grief Is Good, http://j.mp/2iZZP7m « OptionB.Org

STOP! Read This Before You Post Another RIP on Social Media, http://bit.ly/2inAip5 « Grief Watch

Teen Grief Following a Fatal Accident

Source

[Reviewed and updated July 8, 2022]

Guilt is to the spirit what pain is to the body.  ~ Elder David A. Bednar

A reader writes: My niece, nephew and my nephew’s girlfriend were in a car accident four weeks ago, and my nephew was the driver. Another car cut him off and he hit a concrete divider. His car flipped over a couple of times and his girlfriend was killed instantly. My nephew is not handling this well at all. How can I help him deal with his grief, or perhaps you can help with contacts with other individuals who have been through the same or similar loss. My nephew is 17 and his girlfriend was 17 also. Any help, information or contacts you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

In Grief: Causing Accidental Death or Injury (CADI) to Another

[Reviewed and updated January 25, 2026]

Life is an adventure in forgiveness, the writer Norman Cousins once said, but few things come so hard as forgiving oneself.  ~ Todd Leopold

A reader writes: Three weeks ago I hit a pedestrian. Two days later he died. I am up and down, feeling guilt. Sometimes I try to act OK. My husband is very worried about me. I am going to a class on anxiety. It helps me understand what I am experiencing. But are there any online resources that deal with someone dying who is NOT a loved one, but rather actually a complete stranger and the ongoing guilt I feel about this?

Pet Loss: Grief in the Wake of a Dog’s Wrongful Death

Source

[Reviewed and updated May 5, 2024]

When confronted with a legal problem regarding negligent or intentional harm to a companion animal, there is no substitute for face-to-face, fact-specific advice obtained from one’s own attorney. Accordingly, Institute for Animal Rights Law urges anyone with a potential or actual problem of this kind to consult a lawyer. ~ Professor Henry Mark Holzer

A reader writes: Hello. I'm writing to you because my daughter's dog Sadie was savagely attacked and torn up by 2 big dogs this past Sunday night. This local news report gives the details of this terrible tragedy:

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 15 - January 21, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grieving Isn't Wallowing,  http://j.mp/1WSQdaL « Tim Lawrence

Nothing You Can Say Will Heal Another's Grief, http://bit.ly/2jjQ7M1  The Mighty

The Grieving Need You Most After the Funeral, http://bit.ly/2jDKQC4 « John Pavlovitz

Voices of Experience: My Second Chapter: Life, Marriage, Family

Source

A great relationship is about two things: first, appreciating the similarities and second, respecting the diffrences.  ~ Anonymous

Michelle Jarvie is a mentor, educator and author of Then and Now: Changed Perspectives of a Young Widow, her book about surviving the traumatic death of her first husband James, who was killed in a motor vehicle crash in 2008. Michelle remarried five years later, and now lives with her husband Sean and their daughter Ruthie in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Connect with her online at MichelleJarvie.com.

Many people ask me, What’s it really like being re-married? My widow(er) friends want to know if I’m as happy as I was in my first marriage, if I compare my two husbands, why I’d risk being a widow again, and most importantly, if my new husband is understanding. Can you talk about James with him? Is he jealous?

Coping with Overwhelming Loss

Find the latest version of this post here:

Coping with Overwhelming, Traumatic Loss

A reader writes: I have come to the conclusion this year for me is supposed to be a lifetime movie. To start the year off I had to admit my son to a psychiatric hospital. He was bullied in school and wanted to die. He was also still having trouble dealing with his biological mother's death. She died of leukemia.

I got him home and less than 2 weeks later my family awoke to find my 2-year-old daughter dead in her bed. She was happily playing the night before, but had died in her sleep from an undetected heart condition.

Every day is a struggle and I am in more pain than I can bear. My heart hurts.

I have 3 amazing boys who need me right now but I can’t manage to be the strong mother I need to be. I am barely making it through this. Some days I don't think I will make it. I know my children and my faith are what is keeping me alive. My boys need me and I know if I were to commit suicide I would never be able to see my beautiful daughter again. These thoughts are what keep me going.

Then this past week the 16-year-old young man who lived next door decided he could not live anymore and hung himself. My boys found him and I had to break the news to his parents and help cut him down. This young man was very close to my family. My boys looked up to him like a big brother. I even looked at him as family. I can't help but be angry with him though. We already had enough difficulties in our lives and now we have to deal with this. I also feel sorry for what could have been going through his mind.

I don't sleep, my kids keep having nightmares. I have developed claustrophobia. I can't stay in a room for too long without it feeling like it is closing in. I can't stop crying. My mind will not shut off. I do not know what to do for myself, my family, or in general.

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 5 - June 11, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Stifled Grief: How the West Has It Wrong, http://j.mp/1OilF33 « One Fit Widow

How Social Media Expands the Space Between Mourning and Grief, http://j.mp/1OdY837 « The Atlantic

Explaining Daddy's Suicide: Pictures by Emily Vaden, http://j.mp/2193g9P « The Gift of Second