What I Never Understood Until I Lost My Mother

When a mother dies, a daughter’s mourning never completely ends.        ~ Hope Edelman

A reader writes: Today I visited your site for the first time, and I have decided to share something I wrote with you. This fall I lost my mother less than a week before my son's wedding. I have been grieving both my empty nest (all three of my adult children have moved on with their lives) and the loss of my mother. Each time I feel lonely or sad because my children have grown and left the nest, I feel deep pain for having caused my mother the same grief. Relationships with parents are complicated: expectations, irritations, personality quirks, being a 47-year-old daughter, and all the rest. Along with the emotional connectedness we shared, my grief also includes the loss of my mother as a friend.

Finding Comfort, Connection and Hope in a Grief Support Group

A knowledge that another has felt as we have felt, and seen things not much otherwise than we have seen them, will continue to the end to be one of life’s choicest blessings.  ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

A reader writes: Today is exactly two months since my husband died. I have been crying since Sunday, after my son and his fiancé left. I can't seem to find any joy in anything. Two of our children are getting married, I have a new grandchild on the way, there is so much happy stuff going on, and I just want to cry. Maybe I’ve been trying to be brave. Nobody likes a downer, but damn it, I feel like a downer. I just saw an ad in the newspaper for a grief group that’s starting this month, and I really feel I need this. I have never been one to join a group, but this is more then I can deal with. Do these groups really help? There are six sessions, all dealing with different steps. Is it worth trying? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.

In Grief: "Time For Me to Write My Experiences"

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. ~ Anaïs Nin

A reader writes: I'm not sure what I'm writing here..but felt compelled to say something.  I have been on a horrendous journey since my husband died 4 yrs ago.  Every trauma has hit the children and me.....tonight my son aged 13 who is very ill came to my bed.....he couldn't sleep and was in terrible pain...I don't know how or why..but for the second time over the past few years I did hands-on healing on his stomach....which was an incredible experience for him and me...and that resulted in our best chat together in four years, and he fell asleep.....all I realized was that I had not protected myself from taking his pain....and I became acutely aware of some "talents" that I have........I rushed downstairs and searched the Net, to find information on healing....and then psychic surgery...and then somehow I got to your site!!!

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 14 - April 20, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

A pediatric clinician shares the rewards and challenges of working with terminally ill children and their families. Terminally Ill Pediatric Patients and the Grieving Therapist « Psychotherapy.net

Take Care in Seeking Comfort and Support in Grief

You need many teachers, not one teacher; you need many gurus, not one guru; you need many books not one book!  ~ Mehmet Murat ildan

A reader writes: One of my recent problems has to to do with a book I’m reading, consisting mainly of writings and 'lectures' by a man who claims to be an actual avatar, a real embodiment of God Itself, and whose claims of how things really are, and how a continuing life might be for anyone, are very, very close to what I already believed to be the most logical and sensible way things probably worked. BUT, a few of the things he says have also been not only different, but quite frightening, at least to me.

In Grief: How Writing Letters Can Help

More than kisses, letters mingle souls.  ~ John Donne

A reader writes: I'm so sorry for all our losses and the horrible pain we're feeling. I'm a little reluctant to comment because my spouse died two years ago. Yes, I should be "over it" by now as so many have said, but I'm not. I hope my writing this doesn't depress too many others.

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 10 - July 16, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The key to overcoming sorrow and sadness is to remember that you will get past it in time — even though you can’t possibly see how at the present. Overcoming Sorrow « PsychCentral

In Grief: Finding Comfort in Writings

But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.  ~ Lord Byron

A reader writes: We are all on a rough journey, a journey with no map and our companion is not by our side as we know it, but if we move ahead forward at whatever pace we so choose and find comfort in some way we have traveled far...I enjoy seeking these poems/writings as they are indeed comforting and they stimulate your thought process allowing you to really see the light so to speak. 

Having a bumpy ride this week, this has helped....grab a tissue...

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 27 - January 2, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

In A Monster Calls, 13-year-old Conor dreams about a monster, but the words he's afraid to say about his dying mother are much scarier. Book Review by Cara Olexa « Seven Ponds 

The lingering pandemic has amplified feelings of isolation, depression and anxiety for countless Pennsylvanians, particularly as family-oriented holidays approach. Coping with Loneliness, Grief During a Holiday Pandemic « Daily American

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 31 - June 6, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Experts discuss honoring loved ones lost to COVID-19 and the disproportionate impact the pandemic has had on communities of color. Thrive With Your Family: Coping With Loss and Grief « The University of Michigan

Caregiving & Understanding and Managing Grief, December 8 - December 14, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief takes on a life of its own for many people and though it affects thousands on a daily basis, each journey is different. Yet, the one thing all those grieving people have in common is that the journey feels like a walk down a winding path alone. What Grief Truly Is, http://j.mp/2LRUUV9 « Yahoo! Lifestyle

Family caregivers pledge to fulfill their loved ones’ end-of-life wishes. But too often circumstances change, and they must break their word and guard against breaking hearts ― including their own.… The Health Care Promises We Cannot Keep, https://j.mp/35mCG66 « Kaiser Health News

From your description of your grandmother's illness her body had entered the dying process. It was shutting down, unable to combat the disease that she had lived with for so many years. Would She Still Be Alive? https://j.mp/36qR8tK « BK Books

Pet Loss: A Young Teen Loses Two Best Friends

Image by ThePixelman from Pixabay 

[Reviewed and updated October 17, 2020]

The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.   ~ Hilary Stanton Zunin

A reader writes: I am 13 and recently lost my two best friends: a 19-year-old cat named Sandy, and a 3-year-old Guinea pig named Teddy. Obviously, my cat had been with my family long before I was born. I loved her as I loved a family member, because she was always there with a lick and a purr. Two weeks ago, she stopped breathing and we rushed her to the hospital. We figured she would come out ok and come home but she didn't get better. When I came home from school, I knew that by the look in my mom's eyes, she had to put Sandy to sleep. On Friday, my mom and I buried her with some flowers and a can of her food. Then, just when the huge hole in my heart had just about begun to heal, on fateful Friday, my Guinea pig took sick for the last time.

Grief & Caregiving Tweets, July 28 - August 3, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Alone, together: the comfort of a pet when you’re grieving, https://bit.ly/2LXxzDn « Sue Ryder

How To Help Children Handle Grief After The Death Of A Parent, https://j.mp/2LZhUU2 « HuffPost Life

‘Like Being in an Ocean’: The Many Stages of Grief, https://j.mp/330tSlK « Web MD

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 30 - July 6, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

It’s Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die, http://bit.ly/2FYxJpn « McGillOSS

Book Review: The Unexpected Journey of Caring: The Transformation from Loved One to Caregiver, http://j.mp/2FO6PjY « Well Spouse Association

In Grief: Use Caution When Seeking Comfort, http://j.mp/2YvcFOI « Grief Healing

In Grief: Use Caution When Seeking Comfort

Find the latest version of this post here:

Take Care in Seeking Comfort and Support in Grief

A reader writes: One of my recent problems has to to do with a book I’m reading, consisting mainly of writings and 'lectures' by a man who claims to be an actual avatar, a real embodiment of God Itself, and whose claims of how things really are, and how a continuing life might be for anyone, are very, very close to what I already believed to be the most logical and sensible way things probably worked. BUT, a few of the things he says have also been not only different, but quite frightening, at least to me.

Pet Loss: Was My Cat Saying Goodbye?

[Reviewed and updated November 2, 2021]

A reader writes: This past weekend, my Puff (14+year-old cat) left this world and went to a better place. The other day she kissed my face all over and then licked my neck--with such gusto too--a contrast to how she became as she got older, blind and not able to stand. I think a 2-day heat wave contributed to her demise--but she hasn't been herself for months. The vet figures it was a neurological problem such as a brain tumor, or stroke--like my late but great grandma would say, "whatever it was, it wasn't good"-- the time had come.

Caregiving and Hospice, March 17 - March 23, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The Demand for Hospice Care Is Increasing, http://j.mp/2WevnZ7 « Seven Ponds Blog

Three Magical Phrases to Comfort a Dying Person, http://j.mp/2Wf2AUf « Human Parts

This Podcast Begins at the End, http://j.mp/2TSqmsE « Modern Loss

In Grief: Feeling Inspired to Write

Find the latest version of this post here:

In Grief: "Time for Me to Write"

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. ~ Anaïs Nin

A reader writes: I'm not sure what I'm writing here..but felt compelled to say something.  I have been on a horrendous journey since my husband died 4 yrs ago.  Every trauma has hit the children and me.....tonight my son aged 13 who is very ill came to my bed.....he couldn't sleep and was in terrible pain...I don't know how or why..but for the second time over the past few years I did hands-on healing on his stomach....which was an incredible experience for him and me...and that resulted in our best chat together in four years, and he fell asleep.....all I realized was that I had not protected myself from taking his pain....and I became acutely aware of some "talents" that I have........I rushed downstairs and searched the Net, to find information on healing....and then psychic surgery...and then somehow I got to your site!!!

I felt a compulsion to read many poems etc listed....and felt incredibly emotional and then amazingly at peace....
Thank you!
Something incredible has happened tonight..and from feeling scared...I have felt whole again.........its time for me to write my experiences and those of my children's journeys....hopefully one day this will be published ...and can bring help to thousands of others.
Thank you for being part of my journey.

What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief

[Reviewed and updated March 15, 2025]

Be mindful when it comes to your words. A string of some that don't mean much to you, may stick with someone else for a lifetime. ~ Rachel Wolchin

When a death is anticipated or when someone we know has died, the words we choose to write or speak to a caregiver or to a person in mourning can carry significant impact and can be remembered for a very long time. The newly bereaved are especially vulnerable and sensitive. Depending on what is said and how it is expressed, our words can be perceived as helpful and comforting, or as unkind, insensitive and hurtful.

In Grief: When Offers to Help Are Rejected

Source

[Reviewed and updated  March 3, 2024]

There is but one freedom. To put oneself right with death. After that, everything is possible. I cannot force you to believe in God. Believing in God amounts to coming to terms with death. When you have accepted death, the problem of God will be solved—and not the reverse.  ~ Albert Camus

A reader writes: My very wonderful aunt who has done much to nurture me as I was growing up, has suffered a huge loss in her life. Her husband of 49 years died three months ago from complications from heart disease. My husband is a minister, I have read a lot about grieving and the different stages of grieving, I have suffered the loss of my father 9 years ago from a long illness, but I have not been prepared for the devastating grief and crying that my aunt is experiencing. I feel helpless to help her.