Supporting a Grieving Partner While Mourning Your Own Loss

If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.  ~ Peter Hoeg

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves. 

In Grief: Should Young Children Attend a Funeral?

When deciding whether your child should attend a funeral or memorial service, age is not the most important consideration. Your child is part of the family, and as grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt wisely observes, children who are old enough to love are old enough to grieve.

No child is too young to attend a funeral, provided that the child is prepared for what will happen and what he or she will see at the funeral home, and is lovingly guided through the process. Shutting children out makes them feel alone and conveys the idea that death and grief are too horrible to be faced. Children need to learn that special, loved people do die—but also that there will always be somebody there to take care of them.

In Grief: When Partners Are Mourning Separate Losses

If you want to support others you have to stay upright yourself.  ~ Peter Hoeg

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves.

In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

It is harder to accept the reality of loss if one is excluded from the dying process, restricted from the funeral rituals, inhibited from acknowledging the loss, or even given delayed news of the death.  ~ Kenneth J. Doka

A reader writes: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day I was having major surgery. Consequently, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery since I started taking care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband. It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well.

In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

A reader writes: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day I was having major surgery. Consequently, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery since I started taking care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband. It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well.

My sons are grieving, not sleeping well, and I’m working on getting them into a support group. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep, and I feel like I’m waiting for “permission” to cry. He wasn’t a terrible person, but he was an awful dad to my two boys. From what I saw, he was a great father to his new family—but that didn’t help my boys then or now.  Read on here: In Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, March 12 - March 18, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

It happened AGAIN today! If you think it can't happen to you, read the comments (114 and counting!) at the base of this blog post. Please, PLEASE pay attention to your cat or kitten's whereabouts. Losing a beloved animal in such a horrific way leaves pet parents traumatized with gruesome images and devastating feelings of grief, guilt and remorse. Pet Loss: Curious Cats Get Killed in Clothes Dryers « Grief Healing

In Grief: Saying The Wrong Thing at A Funeral

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.  ~ Benjamin Franklin 

A reader writes: I don't know why I'm so unable to say the right thing at the right time but for some reason I just seem to put my foot into my mouth and make so many ridiculous comments. I decided to go to a funeral of a person I was acquainted with through a church activity group. She died last Sunday and her funeral was yesterday. All I could do was think about my mom and I was crying for the loss of my mom more so than I was crying for the loss of this friend. I felt sadness for her family and could see they were going through the same things that I did when my mom died three months ago.

Understanding and Managing Grief, October 23 - November 5, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

When I lost my husband to brain cancer, I learned there is no road map for grief.  A guide to dealing with grief as a widow « The Washington Post 

Anderson Cooper takes us on a deeply personal exploration of loss and grief. He starts recording while packing up the apartment of his late mother Gloria Vanderbilt. Going through her journals and keepsakes, as well as things left behind by his father and brother, Cooper begins a series of emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on - with loss, with laughter, and with love. All There Is with Anderson Cooper « CNN Audio

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 7 - August 13, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

However painful, Michael Cholbi believes grief can be valuable for the person who grieves. Grief has a purpose: the various emotions one feels as bereavement unfolds are our way of attending to the many elements of our relationship with the deceased. Beyond the Pain: A Philosopher's Guide to Grappling with Grief « The Jewish Herald-Voice

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 19 - July 2, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Assumptions about the nature of a person's grief based on the type of relationship they shared with the person who died often lead to disenfranchised grieving. What's in a name? Why you can't judge grief by a title « What's Your Grief? 

"I don’t downplay other people’s losses—each is its own unique pain—but the loss of a spouse is perhaps the most world-altering in the day-to-day. It is vast, encompassing every aspect of one’s life." The Infinite Sorrows of Grieving a Spouse « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 12 - June 18, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

While it may be a special day for many, Father's Day is a holiday that challenges the endurance of fatherless children, as well as fathers and grandfathers whose children or grandchildren have died. Father's Day: Insights on Coping with Grief « Grief Healing 

For practical suggestions on how to cope with grief and loss on Father’s Day ~ or on how to better understand and support a father in grief ~ I invite you to read one or more of the articles listed here. Coping with Grief on Father's Day: Selected Resources « Grief Healing

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 30 - June 5, 2021

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Loneliness and isolation are a giant cause of suffering for grieving people. Try these five tips on how to cope with the loneliness of grief.  Five Ways to Manage Your Grief and Loneliness « Refuge In Grief

A core set of principles separate those who make good and bad policy decisions. Op-Ed: Will the Real COVID Experts Please Stand Up? « MedPage Today 

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, October 11 - October 17, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week: 

Pediatric nurse practitioner Deborah Fisher spent her early career working in intensive care units. The experience convinced her that more needed to be done to improve end-of-life care for children. A nurse practitioner’s Brief But Spectacular take on end-of-life care for children « PBS News Hour

When Attending A Funeral Triggers Grief

Find the latest version of this post here:

In Grief: Saying The Wrong Thing at A Funeral

A reader writes: I don't know why I'm so unable to say the right thing at the right time but for some reason I just seem to put my foot into my mouth and make so many ridiculous comments. I decided to go to a funeral of a person I was acquainted with through a church activity group. She died last Sunday and her funeral was yesterday. All I could do was think about my mom and I was crying for the loss of my mom more so than I was crying for the loss of this friend. I felt sadness for her family and could see they were going through the same things that I did when my mom died three months ago.

In Grief: Helping My Partner Mourn His Dad When I'm Still Mourning My Mom

A reader writes: I am at a loss with things right now and I really need some help. My partner's dad is dying and on the advice of his doctor he has been placed in hospice care. My mom passed 4 months ago today and I am still numb from that. I'm still not knowing how to handle my own grief, and now here I am with my partner and his family going thru this themselves.

Although they have dealt with passings a few times before, they are really upset. I also know that every passing is different and the feelings are different too. I am at a loss on how to handle this and how to help. I hate to see people hurting and in pain, but I am also in pain and very confused on how to handle it. On where and what to do. I am not in the family, only on the sidelines.  Read on here >>> 

Caregiving & Understanding and Managing Grief, June 7 - June 13, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

A program designed to incorporate hospice and palliative care principles into undergraduate and graduate nursing education could help make a difference in ongoing staffing shortages in those fields. Palliative Care Nursing Curriculum Could Impact Staff Shortages « Hospice News

In Grief: Missing Grandmother’s Funeral

[Reviewed and updated January 19, 2023]

A reader writes: I have been abroad for nearly two years now and just learned that the only grandparent that I have has a stage 4 cancer. Since two or three weeks she has been having hallucinations and seeing dead family members of hers coming to get her on a white horse. I know that I won't be able to make it back home for her approaching funeral and I am really not at ease with this idea. What are the tips to deal with this? Thank you in advance for the counselling.

Caregiving, Hospice & Grief, April 5 - April 11, 2020

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

As a culture, we’ve never been great at handling grief . . . And now that families no longer have the opportunity to say goodbye to their loved ones, have to wait for hospitals to release the remains, and postpone any in-person gatherings for the foreseeable future, it has left many in a suspended state of grief. Processing Grief During a Pandemic, When Nothing Is Normal « Yahoo!

In Grief: No Sense of "Collective Closure" After Dad's Death

Reviewed and updated July 22, 2024]

When words are inadequate, have a ritual.  ~ Author Unknown

A reader writes: As soon as they learned that my father had died, the most beautiful flowers and lovely cards from friends and relatives around the country began to arrive at my door. Knowing that so many people are there for me and that all of them care means so much to me.

Still, all of this is so very, very odd-feeling, and I hope you can help me to understand why. My step-mother arbitrarily decided that, in her opinion, my father didn't know enough people in their town to make having a funeral or memorial service for him there "worth the effort." She had his body cremated virtually instantly, and she says we'll probably scatter his ashes over Long Island Sound sometime this summer.

Caregiving and Hospice, May 19 - May 25, 2019

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Insightful and informative: Caregiver Recovery versus Bereavement, http://j.mp/2VVSBHT « The Artful Caregiver

How to Plan for Weddings AND Funerals, http://j.mp/2VRCKKz « A Good Goodbye ~ Funeral Planning for Those Who Don't Plan to Die

3 things about psychiatry that don't focus on pathology, http://j.mp/2VVjFa8 « Kevin MD