Surviving A Spouse's Suicide: Coping with Guilt, Grief, and Blame

There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved.   ~ Arnold Toynbee

A reader writes: I lost my husband to suicide last year and I am trying to cope. I am trying to move on, but I cannot do this alone anymore. I feel responsible, because he asked me to say something I could not say, and subsequently hanged himself. I feel so much remorse, guilt, pain, and it won't stop. I continually have thoughts to go to him. I am losing it by the day and don't understand what's happening to me. I need contact of some kind to know he is okay and does not blame me. I know we are all responsible for our own choices, but "yes" instead "no" would have made the difference in whether he was living today. I know this to be true. I don't know where to turn and am hoping you can save my life.

After a Child’s Murder: What Parents Need to Know About Guilt, Grief, and Survival

When working with families and friends of people who have been murdered I find that the operative verb is never died but was killed . . . Being killed is seen as different from dying; it's unnatural, a form of theft, an act of taking something from you and your loved ones. What is taken is a person's life and all of its promise for future joy and happiness, companionship, and accomplishment. It is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer.  ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: I’m writing this letter in hopes of finding some peace. It will be three years next month that my son was murdered. He was only 18.

In Grief: Offering Survivor Support to Insurance Beneficiaries

Since the 17th century, insurance agents have been the foremost experts on risk.  ~ Charles Duhigg

An insurance representative writes: So nice having dinner with you the other night. I'm writing to thank you for sharing with me a copy of your book, Finding Your Way Through Grief: A Guide for the First Year. You may not believe this, but I read the entire book on the plane coming home Sunday. I found so many situations that I have seen in real life doing "Survivor Support" counseling, that I couldn't put the book down. I think it would be a most appropriate reading for 90% of my clients.

Here are some random thoughts in no particular order which I made notes about while reading:

Unresolved Guilt Following Accidental Pet Loss

Apologies aren't meant to change the past; they are meant to change the future.  ~ Kevin Hancock

A reader writes: I have been doing some research on a grief-related topic over the past few days, and stumbled across some of your blog posts, and find them rather encouraging and welcoming.

Around ten years ago, I inadvertently killed a cat while driving home from a class on a dark road. I later killed a deer that ran directly in front of my car. I have been unable to overcome the guilt in all that time, as I feel that I need to apologize to the cat's owner in order to properly move on (I've never found them). If I never find the owner, to whom should I directly apologize?

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 22 - September 28, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Grief therapists will tell you that there are no words to take the pain away from someone who is suffering, but there are things that well-meaning people say that can make grief worse. I’ve adapted some of these from the Coalition to Support Grieving Students, and I’ve also lived it. Navigating the universal yet personal pain of grief « SBJ

Advocacy can lead to feelings of empowerment and connection to others. Finding purpose and helping others naturally helps oneself. Advocacy can be a double-edged sword: People have different reactions to “going public” with a family story. Does Turning Pain Into Purpose Aid in Healing From Grief? « Psychology Today

Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. The Burden of Guilt in Grief  « Grief Healing

The Burden of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.  ~ Nicholas Rowe

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 25 - September 7, 2024

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

Best selections from Grief Healing's most recent X feed:   

Children and teens have their unique way of grieving. Loss tends to affect children in different ways than from adults. Depending on their age, experiences, and maturity levels, all children will have a different grief experience from the next. Oftentimes, a child’s grief is overlooked or overshadowed by adults who may be grieving the same loss as in the case of a sibling or a grandparent that has died. 11 Ways to Help a Grieving Child or Teenager « Cake

Voices of Experience: Sounding The Alarm for Cats Dying in Clothes Dryers

A danger foreseen is half avoided. ~ Thomas Fuller

Prevent Tragic Accidents: Put Reminder Stickers on Your Washer and Dryer!

This past March, Anne's life changed forever. While working from home, struggling with internet issues during a meeting, she moved to another room and briefly paused and restarted her noisy clothes dryer. Tragically, in that brief moment, her beloved 9-year-old, 7-pound cat sought refuge in the warmth of the machine. Anne didn’t anticipate this, and when she restarted the dryer, her kitty was inside. Her cat perished in what has become Anne's worst nightmare. This is her story.

Making Comparisons in Grief

I generally find that comparison is the fast track to unhappiness. No one ever compares themselves to someone else and comes out even. Nine times out of ten, we compare ourselves to people who are somehow better than us and end up feeling more inadequate.  ~

Jack Canfield

As news about mass shootings and natural disasters continues to flood the airwaves, our hearts go out to the victims, survivors, and others who witnessed these horrific events, as well as to the people living in those places. As a nation we express our collective condolences, offer our heartfelt prayers, and work to contribute whatever we can toward their healing.

For those of us already struggling with grief, however, such catastrophic events unfortunately can give rise to feeling guilty for feeling bad, as if we don’t have a legitimate right to mourn our own individual losses.

In Grief: Mourning The Loss of A Dream

[Reviewed and updated November 4, 2025]

A reader writes: Seven years ago I fell in love with a wonderful man I met at work. Although we never dated, we spent many wonderful hours together talking about everything and nothing. We spent a year getting to know each other, and I fell more in love every day. After I was transferred to another department, I was sure we would spend a wonderful summer getting to know each other in a more romantic atmosphere. That never happened. He didn't return my calls or emails, and never spoke to me again. I was heartbroken and never understood why he dumped my like that. Since then I have married a wonderful man, who has been a great stepfather to my children and a wonderful husband. He loves me and supports me in all I do. 

          Last month I found out that my co-worker "love" of seven years ago had died in a one-car accident earlier this year. I feel like I'm going crazy!

Understanding and Managing Grief, September 17 - September 23, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's X stream this week:

People bereaved during the first two waves of the Covid pandemic are three times more likely to have prolonged grief disorder (PGD), which can leave them lonely and in intense emotional pain, research from Cardiff and Bristol universities has revealed. The disorder, also known as complicated grief, can result in persistent longing for the deceased, intense emotional pain including guilt and denial, and trouble engaging with friends and planning for the future, all of which goes on for longer than six months. Prolonged grief disorder more common in Covid lockdown bereaved, study finds  « The Guardian

Understanding and Managing Grief, July 16 - July 22, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

People who are grieving can make us feel uncomfortable. We tend to isolate those who are grieving, exacerbating their pain and loneliness. Acknowledging and addressing each other's suffering goes a long way to alleviating it. We need to be less afraid of saying or doing the "wrong thing" when addressing someone's grief. I'm Sorry For Your Loss « Psychology Today

Pet Loss: Regrets Following Dog's Burial

Bones mend. Regret stays with you forever.  ~ Patrick Rothfuss

A reader writes: I am writing in hopes that you may be able to provide advice or support that I can give my parents who just had to euthanize their 12-year-old Golden Lab, Barney. He had to be put to sleep because he could not walk anymore. It was a very sad event for the whole family, especially for my mother who was home alone a lot with him. Since he was buried last Sunday, my mother has not been able to let go of the fact that neither the vet nor my mom closed Barney’s eyes before he was buried. I know it sounds silly, but it really has been bothering her. She says she still can't control her emotions. Do you have any advice or comfort I can give her so she can let this go? Does this matter that he was buried with his eyes open?

Understanding and Managing Grief, April 30 - May 6, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Texas author Dina Gachman shares her story of healing after losing her mother and sister in her book, So Sorry For Your Loss: How I Learned to Live with Grief, and Other Grave Concerns: Author Interview « Texas Standard

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, February 5 - February 11, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief. Grief Rituals Can Help on Valentine's Day (Or Any Special Day) « Grief Healing

Disenfranchised Grief: When A Friend Dies

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.  ~ Flavia Weedn

A reader writes: A friend of mine died last month. I have been struggling to cope since then. We met only a few months ago when I did some work at the theater where he was based. We knew each other a very short time and I realize that if you've lost someone you've known for years this may seem so selfish and silly, but we really connected and I miss him so much.

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 22 - January 28, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Unlike other causes of death (like illnesses or accidents), which happen to the person, suicide is an act performed by the person who has chosen death, leaving bereaved survivors with guilt and haunting questions. Healing and Rebuilding Your Life After a Spouse's Suicide https://wb.md/3HDATzg

Acknowledging Jealousy and Anger in Grief

A reader writes: My counselor came. We talked. I told her about my horrible feelings about other people who have been ill and are recovering. Instead of feeling good for them like a proper empathetic person should do, I feel sorry that they are getting better. How totally awful is that? My counselor said that it's anger that my husband died and they didn't. She said she asked me way back if I felt anger at my husband’s death and I said No. She said now the anger is coming out in resentment that others have survived and my husband has not. I think she may be right. I have struggled with this because it seems such a horrible attitude.

When people recover I should rejoice, but I don't. I feel disappointed. This seems to make me the most horrible person I ever met. I am being really honest now with you and you are at liberty to think I am a completely awful person. I wasn't like that before I lost my love. I hope this is a temporary state of affairs because it seems to suggest that bereavement, rather than make me a better, more understanding person has made me a monster of unfeeling. Please don't think me a horrible person, just temporarily one maybe?  Read on here >>>

Pet Loss: Yet Another Kitten Killed in Clothes Dryer

[Reviewed and updated December 2, 2025]

A deliberate mistake is not the same as an accidental one.  ~ Frank Sonnenberg

A reader writes: My mother saved three kittens from a feral life when she found them on her property by a feral mom. She watched them closely until mom had started weaning them then she took them in and had been raising them for the last couple months. They’re finally big enough for their sterilization surgeries and they are scheduled. I’ve been around animals my entire life. I’ve worked as an assistant in the veterinary field so I’m no stranger to animal care or loss. However yesterday crushed me.

Coping with "Moment of Death Guilt" in Grief

[Reviewed and updated February 24, 2025]

Protective parents tend to not die with their children in the room, even if that child is seventy years old.  ~ Barbara Karnes, RN

A reader writes: My mom passed away 28 days ago. She was very sick and I took care of her for the last 10 years - she was living with me. I never left her alone, in fact our family dynamic changed because she was our priority. She was in the hospital for 12 days and everyday I was there for 12 to 13 hours, but could't stay overnight because I have a knee injury and it was necessary to rest my leg to be ready for the next day. On November 30th the doctors told me they couldn't do much for her, just wait to see what happened during the following 24/48 hours.