In Grief: Death That Brings Relief

Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs.  ~ Leo Tolstoy

For those who endure chronic pain, terminal illness, or the slow decay of degenerative conditions, death can arrive not as a feared end but as a quiet release. It is the cessation of agony, the end of a long battle fought with dwindling strength.

For the grieving, death may bring relief in a different way. Watching a loved one suffer can be an unbearable burden, and though loss is painful, there is solace in knowing their suffering has ended. In such moments, death can be seen not as the villain but as a merciful hand, granting rest to those who have endured more than their share of hardship.

To help navigate the emotions and existential questions that may arise under such challenging circumstances, the following resources are suggested:

In Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother

It may be hard to play the role of the mourning [daughter] when part of you is saying, ‘Free at last.' ~ Helen Fitzgerald

A reader writes: Two weeks ago, my mother died of metastatic cancer. We had a strained relationship our entire life together. Growing up she could be very cruel to me, and that is what ensued as I tried to care for her. Before her illness, we hadn’t spoken in almost 3 years, but I wanted to be there for her and support her. I forgave her before she died and asked that she forgive me, and I feel a certain amount of closure which we were able to create.

But just when things were going beautifully, it was as if some demonic entity took over her being.

The Burden of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.  ~ Nicholas Rowe

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 11 - February 17, 2024

Best selections from Grief Healing's X feed this week:

Milestone dates can catch us off guard and bring us to our knees. Preparing ahead of time can bring sweetness and meaning to the day. Create rituals that honor your loved one's life and legacy. Grieving Through Birthdays and Death Days « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 14 - May 20, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Grief can blindside us at otherwise ordinary moments. Grief is an invisible wound because all our pain is internal. Sharing these experiences can help educate others about grief. How Your Pain Helps Teach The World « Psychology Today

Understanding and Managing Grief, February 27 - March 5, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

How much we struggle to keep that which we’re soon to lose. Anticipatory grief is normal and it is borne out of love people have for the person they are grieving. What Is Anticipatory Grief? « Psychology Today.

Death That Brings Relief: Suggested Resources

[Reviewed and updated March 24, 2025]

It is not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.  ~ Lena Horne

A reader writes: Hello, I lost my mother last month. She died after a 3 year battle with lung cancer. She also had a stroke a year into her cancer treatments which left her unsteady, unable to drive and with slurred speech. Although she went through Chemo, and two series of Radiation, in addition to 40 days in the hospital for the stroke, she never stopped smoking. This was very frustrating to all of her family, as we were spending most of our time caring for her and taking her to Doctor appointments. It felt as though she didn't care about us. She was also very difficult to deal with, not taking her meds at the right time, over-medicating herself, not eating, not allowing for the care that she desperately needed in the home.

In Grief: Coping with A Spouse's Deathbed Confession

[Reviewed and updated August 15, 2022]

The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.  ~ Cheryl Hughes

A colleague writes: I have been searching the internet for information on a situation that one of my newly referred clients has and am not really finding what I think I need. This client is dealing with the deathbed confession of her spouse. He had been cheating on her for many years. I meet with her next week and just wanted to do some prep work prior to our meeting. Any suggestions?

Caregiving and Hospice, July 1 - July 7, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

9 Ways to Soothe Someone With Dementia Who Wants to Go Home, http://j.mp/2ucxYq2 « Caring.com

Lizzy Miles: "A conspiracy of Hope" is educational for consumers and outlines the difficulties medical professionals have w/ being open and honest. LOVE that author recommends palliative care. http://j.mp/2zjaaXy « Men's Health

Be Your Brother’s Keeper, http://j.mp/2tWjB9Z « Second Firsts

Understanding and Managing Grief, June 17 - June 23, 2018

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

A Familiar Stranger, http://j.mp/2yzAb4n « Bryan C. Taylor

Opinion | The Example of Charles Krauthammer, http://bit.ly/2yvJ4Mp « The New York Times

My Father Always Wanted to Die with Dignity. But When His Time Came, I Couldn’t Let Him Go. http://j.mp/2ttUIl1 « Narratively

In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?

Source

[Reviewed and Updated March 13, 2026]

Alongside the hole left by losing a loved one, a caregiver may be surprised to feel a different kind of loss: a foundering sense of purpose. It makes sense -- caregiving can be so consuming and can require such hard-won expertise that it can be difficult to regain a footing in "normal life" afterward. ~ Paula Spencer Scott

A reader writes: My mother died 2 weeks ago. I had been her caregiver for 21 years. I don't know what to do or how to live. Everything I did was based on what was best for Mom. In the last couple of years, as Mom began to weaken, I became so depressed. I would care for Mom but neglected housework and yard work. I was always too tired. Now, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want....but I don't know where to begin . . . all of this stuff just makes me so tired. I just want to sleep or watch TV. Is this normal grieving? How do I shake myself out of this non-productive funk?

Understanding and Managing Grief, May 29 - June 4, 2016

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

In the Grief Browser, All the Tabs Are Open, http://j.mp/1srLyDr « HuffPost Healthy Living

How to Handle the EXHAUSTION of Grief, http://j.mp/1TRN6CN « The Grief Toolbox

Feeling Relief After A Death, http://j.mp/1Y0UxHH « What's Your Grief?

Resources for Service Members and Their Families, http://j.mp/1X8an4F « Grief Healing

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.

If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.