The Burden of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings.  ~ Nicholas Rowe

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a jumbled mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Understanding and Managing Grief, January 22 - January 28, 2023

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Unlike other causes of death (like illnesses or accidents), which happen to the person, suicide is an act performed by the person who has chosen death, leaving bereaved survivors with guilt and haunting questions. Healing and Rebuilding Your Life After a Spouse's Suicide https://wb.md/3HDATzg

Understanding and Managing Grief & Pet Loss, July 17 - July 23, 2022

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

The dying process usually starts well before death actually occurs. Learn how to recognize the signs of approaching death from one month to one day. The End of Life Stages Timeline: What to Expect « VeryWellHealth

Caregiving and Hospice, July 16 - July 22, 2017

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Health reform everybody could love, http://j.mp/2vsz15b « Kevin MD

Opt-out Organ Donation Saves Lives, http://j.mp/2uHuWML « Seven Ponds

Cancer Doesn't Choose Who Survives Based On How Hard Someone Fights, http://j.mp/2vrYmw0  « HuffPost

Coping with Pet Loss, April 2 - April 8, 2017

Best selection from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Don't Shame Me For Grieving My Dog's Death, http://huff.to/2oIupra « The Huffington Post

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below. If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Understanding and Managing Grief, December 20 - December 26, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

What Grieving Parents Want Others to Know, http://j.mp/1Oj5fR8 « HuffPost (Common Grief)

Grief and Shame: An Unacceptable Combination, http://j.mp/1OGb37O « HuffPost GPS for the Soul

The Promise of Christmas, http://j.mp/1NH3td8 « Grief Healing

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own in the Comments section below.
If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 15 - November 21, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

What No One Told Me About Grief,  http://j.mp/1XgUYdp « HuffPost GPS for the Soul

DSM-V is psychiatry's maladaptation in the grey zone masquerading as science, http://j.mp/1NiSZpp
« Kevin MD

Widowed by suicide: Fighting The Stigma, http://j.mp/1LsA6J2 « Soaring Spirits International

Understanding and Managing Grief, November 8 - November 14, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Talking to Kids about the Paris Attacks, http://j.mp/1MIvwfc « What's Your Grief?

Grief and Shame: An Unacceptable Combination, http://j.mp/1LdIuvV « The Adversity Within

Researchers call for hospitals to establish bereavement programs for families of deceased patients, http://j.mp/1HLDcI2 « Dana-Farber Cancer Institute

Understanding and Managing Grief, August 9 - August 15, 2015

Best selections from Grief Healing's Twitter stream this week:

Happily ever after: The Big Lie, http://j.mp/1Nac63G « Alive in Memory

Sharing Grief Across Species Lines, http://j.mp/1TFrHHt « NPR

When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents, http://j.mp/1LaDbR5 « Grief Healing

In Grief: Ashamed To Share Negative Feelings In An Online Forum

Source

Don't push the river, it flows by itself.  ~ Chinese Proverb

[Note to readers: Permission to share the following exchange with all of you has been granted by the person who wrote to me.]

A reader writes: I was going to post this on our [online Grief Healing Discussion Groups] forum, but it’s such a downer and people posting these days all seem so upbeat that I didn’t want to throw this post in right now. I do need to put it out there just so I know someone hears me. I hope you don’t mind. You’re it. I’m not looking for feedback – just an ear and an understanding heart.

Grief and The Burden of Guilt

When your loved one’s terminal illness was finally diagnosed, as a caregiver you may feel guilty that you hadn’t noticed symptoms sooner, waited too long to seek treatment or didn’t do enough to comfort your beloved. If death came suddenly or unexpectedly, you may feel guilty for not being present when it happened. If it came after a long, lingering illness, you may feel guilty for feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering is over and you’re now free from the burden of worry and care. You may feel guilty that you are the one who survived, or uncomfortable that you received an insurance settlement or inheritance following the death of your loved one. If you’re a religious person, you may feel guilty that you feel so angry at God.  Read on here >>>

Guilt and Regret in Grief

[Reviewed and Updated October 15, 2025]

The message of shame is “I am bad.” The message of guilt is “I did something bad.” ~ Dale Larson

A reader writes: Since my mother died, there are so many things I feel guilty about. All of the times she asked me to do something for her and I put it off. All of the times I rolled my eyes when she couldn't do things for herself. She lived in our home for two years after a major heart attack. I took care of her up until the last two weeks, when I finally called in hospice to help. That was the best thing I ever did. They helped us get through the dying process. But the guilt I feel is driving me crazy. I feel like a horrible person, and I wish I could tell her how I feel. She was 90 when she died, and lived a good life, had many friends and she seemed to be happy up until the last few weeks, when she became too weak to do the things she enjoyed. I wasn't always there for her, as I also work full time. I don't quite know how to handle this guilt and I am very depressed. Has anyone else had these kinds of feelings?

My response: This feeling of guilt in the aftermath of significant loss is so common as to be universal. Much has been written about why we experience it and what we can do to cope with it. (See, for example, The Burden of Guilt in Grief.)